Couch 117: Come On In and Set-tee A While

Experience them and breathe through them. It actually works.
I go through this dilemma repeatedly.. My T reminds me emotions can not kill me. Feel them, recognize them, let the pain roll through you like a wave and see what remains in its wake.
I breathe and center myself in the present moment. I feel the ground under my feet, the air on my skin, the subtle tension of my muscles. I listen to all the sounds around me. I isolate the different smells around me. And I remind myself that THIS moment is the real thing.

The past is gone. The future is unknown
All that's true is this moment that I am in, and in this moment I am OK.

I'm actually getting good at and avoiding all my unhealthy coping mechanisms

Therapist said I'm a responsible and committed person. I think this is the first time ever she's "praised" me.

Been seeing her for one and a half years once every two weeks.

She won't say she likes me though lol. I asked if she dislikes me, she said no. I asked if she was neutral towards me, so she said oh come on. So I said maybe positive and she said yes.

I want her to like me because she's important to me and because most people in my life including my family don't like me.

Thank you for the video!! I didn't know of this holiday. It looks like a lot of fun. My mouth is watering thinking of the strawberry cake. It looked totally yummy!!

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Well done. I cannot do that but I'm delighted that it works for others.

Yes, I am a little sad that I have had no strawberries today - it is one of my favourite parts of the tradition.

so i drove by the place my T private office is . no i dont feel bad and im not telling her . i know she wouldnt care . i just wanted to see ware it was .it is just in this court of buildings. if it is the building i think it is cute . i was not able to drive in the court because it said private way .but she said the place is quiet and peaceful. it really seemed to be . not a bunch of people like at the clinic . i will like that . it is a bit of a drive for me to get there though . i do like the town it is in .there are a lot of coffee houses and small places i could spend time in after T to write in my journal and process things a bit . it might be nice

QM, I'm willing to bet your therapist likes you. I wish that some of them did not feel bound by some kind of code not to tell their patients that they like them. You seem like a splendid person to me.

granite, I like that you did that, and that it looks like a good place.

my T tell me that she cares about me ,unfortunately it is usually after she has done something that upsets me and convinces me that she doesnt .

My response to such nonsense from the therapist is usually "what difference is that supposed to make to me?"

granite, I agree that you don't need to tell your therapist you checked out her private office location, and that she wouldn't care if you did. Mine moved recently, and rather rapidly, but she told me where it was located as soon as she signed the lease. I asked if it would be creepy if I went inside the building to check it out and get the lay of the land (there are different entrances and exits to it), and she said not creepy at all--the building is unlocked weekdays.

I just say that because if you felt shy about the private drive sign, your therapist might assure you that you could go up to and inside the building. She might even see that as a positive way for you to transition, if only mentally. I know it helped me--not that I liked the old office (I hated it)--but I needed to visualize the layout to and from the office.

Morning, couch. It isn't noon yet, so I can still say good morning. I went to bed early last night (about 6pm). I was beat. I slept till 10 this morning when I got a text from C's mom asking if I was free this afternoon. I guess I needed the sleep after not getting much the night before.

I am now just chilling before I have to pick C up form camp. Then it will be back to his house to grab the money his mom left, then to Chick Fila for waffle fries and chicken nuggets, then to his house for a bike ride, then a shower, and then take him to his dad's where he is staying this weekend. It will be nice seeing C, but we will be busy. Lol.

Still stuck in the middle of all my brother crap. My mom keeps asking me to ask my dad questions, then I have to relay the answers back to her and hear my dad complain about her sticking me in the middle. My mom also feels in the middle...my brother calls her from jail and his ex-girlfriend has been texting her about it. Grrr.... Stupid people.

Well I mean, I worked at it for several years before it really started to help. But once it started to.help it REALLY started to help
So it might be worth trying, if what you are doing right now isn't working for you.

Okay, so I've been so out of it I thought it was next week at this time and I was heading home on Sunday. Nope, got another week here - and two more appointments with No. 3.

Eta: just realized this means I need to UNpack a bag.

I hate family.

Had several disturbing dreams last night about the old dog, the family dog who lives with my ex. In all of them he was missing his left front paw, everyone noticed but no-one wanted to talk about it no matter how hard I tried.

Something quite stressful happened today involving one of my kids, and my in laws were over. I was stressed out but ok, just probably more animated than usual. Everytime I opened my mouth my MIL said "okay, calm down [Echos]" and I just wanted to say "F you! This is my house and I'll do what I F-ing like!" She likes to portray me as an overreactor but this was a stress that we had to deal with, not her, so she has no idea how that felt.
It's been a hard day. I wish I could talk to T.

My mouth is watering! I had Doritos and Mountain Dew for lunch.

Well, today was pretty much the biggest holiday in Sweden, it's comparable to your fourth of July, without the fireworks.

Took DD1 to meet her new T, who just happens to have the exact same office I used to meet my T in. Weird. I was there for the intro, but beat a hasty retreat when the conversation turned to "so what were you and old T working on?" stuff. I haven't been present for a session in a long time and have no heart for it anymore. I feel like I'm failing as a mom in some way. However, I have to maintain my tenuous grip on myself if I want to stay the opposite of clinically depressed.

I want dinner but I don't want to get up. The Lazy Woman's Diet, wonder if I could market it?

Stopped at the grocery store on the way home, and was so pleased to find my wine on sale, the big bottles, for 9.99 normally 19.99 so yep, I bought 2!! Now I won't run out for awhile.... Let the weekend begin!!

Of course, I'll be having only one glass tonight, since I have to be at our road cleaning volunteer thingy at 7 tomorrow morning, and then I have t at 11 am....

...and in other news, my son got his first paycheck as a working man today! He must have been just beaming when he went to the bank to deposit it. Wish I'd have been there!

Evening, couch.

I had fun with C today. I am now relaxing before bed. I have CVS in the morning and all day tomorrow, so I can't stay up too late. It's only a little after 10 though, so I have a little time to spend.

Typed up a letter the the pharm manager tonight explaining my financial situation and asking if there is any way I could be scheduled a few more hours a week, or if any other stores in our area needed a little extra help where I could pick up some shifts. I will try to talk to him about it tomorrow, but we may be too swamped all day to get the chance to. So I will drop the note in his box just in case. :/

Got POed at my dad tonight. I texted him asking if he knew of anyone needing odd jobs done here and there the weeks I have left of summer so I can make a little extra money and he lectured me that there isn't enough time left in the summer to find a job now. WTF?!? I didn't say a JOB, I said "odd" jobs "here and there". Not an everyday thing. Grrr... This reminds me why I have very little contact with my family unless I have to.

Hopefully the pharm manager will be able to give me at least one more day a week (anything will help) or another store will need help. I need more hours to make it through the summer. My first school paycheck does not come until the last day of August, it is only June. CVS (and C the week of the 4th) are my only sources of income this summer. Last summer at CVS, I had about 35-40 hours a week, but corporate really cut back our hours for this summer. Stupid corporate America.

I will probably also look on Craigslist to see if there are any ads for a temporary babysitter or pet sitter. I just have to be careful who I reply to.

I really honestly don't know where the past 2 weeks went. The time has just flown by. If I get to t's tomorrow and she says again "It seems like it's been a long time since you've been here" I will really be shaking my head, cuz this two weeks went by faster than the previous 2 did.

I still find it amazing that people get paid by cheque these days.
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Just want to say hello. I've been quiet for a bit, except for the strawberry cake crocus, I'm still thinking how I could make it without sugar in it.

May I just hug anyone who would like one? (((Hug)))

My thoughts have been everywhere, but I have been hanging with you guys. Thank you for being here.



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