ok T tomorrow... and i surrender. i give up. i cannot spend all my time trying to pick apart the relationship or lack of relationship, or the process or whatever... am i paying $140/hr to do that? i wouldn't pay a mechanic $50 to talk about how he would fix my car., i'd expect him to fix my car right?

but i am finding the concept hard. It means trusting more than i do. i really want to spend more time settling my mind on some things... but my current life issues need to be addressed.

i am in deep sadness and i need his help. DO i accept the rope being extended down into the hole? or do i question the type of rope being used?

i want to need him... and i do need him, but not deeply. Lately though, due to same said circumstances i have been thinking more and more about how the relationship will end... is that what i want? To come to deeply need someone with the full knowledge of it ending?

[purplemoon]

I hear you Gerber. I seem to be struggling with pushing my T away. We had a difficult session and ever since then all I can do is go in chatter like a teen at the lunch table. I did call him after my last session 2x - one was to tell him how I really was feeling, the other was an issue that I need his help with - paperwork type stuff. He had me come in and we went over the paperwork - he wrote me notes so I could fill it out later. But he did touch on the first phone call - said he lets me direct the session - he doesn't want to control it. Now if I can find the courage to trust just a little more. I so want him to fix me - but he can't - he can only help guide me to fix me. I just need to trust. T just stinks sometimes.

[Perna]

Gerber, your T isn't like a mechanic (anymore than you're like a car!); he can't do anything for or to you. He can't fix you even one little bit. All he can do is "be" there with you, his own authentic Self, and try to help you see how to be your Self. He's more companion rather than guide (though he's been on similar treks before) but if you don't help with deciding the route and won't walk with him, he's "helpless" because he's with you rather than you being with him! You're in charge; it's your therapy!

[MissCharlotte]

Gerber,



Perna hit the nail on the head. It's your therapy, not his. You can go there and say you are stuck, (I do it frequently) and you can ask his opinion about things (he may or may not respond) or you can pose the very questions you pose here. But he can't tell you what to do because you have to do that part.



Peace

[happyflowergirl]

Perna,

You made a very good point, we do the work, we do the change, and our T's help us or stand by us during that time.

((((gerber)))) I wish I could say something to make a difference. I miss our chats. I care about you even though we haven't ever met, I feel like you are a friend.

you're right.. there really isn't a point to doing this.

well, this makes me very sad

It all makes me doubly sad because i came here tonight to ask a question... something got triggered for me, and i was going to ask what i should do, or rather how to approach it with him as i am not quite there in trusting him yet. But that's not relevant. If there is nothing he can do then i am left with no way to handle this.

i never expected him to "fix" me. But having him as a guide was important to me and my sense of safety right now. He seemed ok with that... but this is not ok?

you know.. one reason he has not pushed or come too close too quickly is that he knows my history of intense suicidal ideation and other destructive behaviours. having him as a guide helped keep me back from that.

if he can't be a guide to me in times when i am at risk then i have nothing and no one.

[Caramee]

(((Gerber)))

It sounds like you didn't get the support you needed. I am sorry for the bind you're in. It hurts so much to go to therapy and really not know what to do. You are there, looking to your T for answers, and you leave feeling bereft. I know intellectually that the answer is within me and that only I can change things, but when I am in the midst of pain, that's a lot of blah, blah, blah. If I knew what to do, I would do it and I wouldn't need to go to therapy, now would I?!?

My T is not a strong, leader type. He pretty much follows my lead. I have had to "coach" him and tell him that when I am in a crisis or look at all lost, I need him to lead me, almost telling me step by step what to do until I can find my way again. It's like I'm in a dark swamp and he has the flashlight and has to say, "step to the left, watch out for this and that . . ." and I just follow the light until I can see for myself again. But some Ts are adamantly opposed to this. I know mine will never be comfortable with it. But depression is often apathy and confusion and frozeness and a few words of direction (I've even needed to be reminded to eat and take medicine) are very necessary to jump start our own resources.

I don't know if you can relate to my story -- my needs are often from depression that physically shuts me down, but I guess I was tapping into your feeling of needing therapy to "do" something for you. I so get that.

Take care.