Is this a subtle ignorant and dismissive behaviour from T?

I think a lot about the last six months I´ve been in therapy with my new T and I came to think about how she greets me and how we end our sessions. I perceive those two events as an ingnorant and dismissive behaviour from T:

1. She always goes out to the waiting room to get me (I can´t go directly to her room, we have to pass through a hallway which is opened by staff). She waits by the door and never has she been the one who says "hello" first. Sometimes she hardly smiles but seems to look at other things like the reception desk and I realised that every time it´s me who address her first, by looking at her, saying hello and such.

2. After some sessions I reacted to her hardly saying goodbye at the end but just rushing to her desk not acknowledging me when I was to leave.We then decided that we would shake hands at the end of the session to get a more proper "goodbye". She had done that with other clients too.

But it´s the same phenomenon with that, now when I think back on our sessions, I realise it has always been me who reach out first, who "out my hand", she never does.

For me this is just a subtle way to keep a distance from me and these seemingly small things also say something. I´ll act as stupid as her next time I see her, I won´t say hello when we meet and I´ll just leave without saying anything at the end.

She seems to belive that keeping boundaries this way, or what she thinks she does, has some positive outcome in therapy.

How to interpret her behaviour, is it ignorant and dismissive or is there any other explanation?

From what you're describing, it doesn't seem to me that she's being dismissive. She doesn't say "hello" first. I don't interpret that as being dismissive. The other explanation is that you keep finding faults with this therapist who, by your own admission, is not particularly helpful and doesn't make you work on your goals. If she's so awful why not leave her? I understand you won't get another therapist but maybe it's better since you don't seem to connect with this particular therapist.

It could be she's just trying to let you take the lead. But as Myrto said, you don't seem that happy with this T overall. So it could be you're trying to look for obvious reasons to leave? When if you're not happy with her and feel she isn't helping, that's reason enough.

I suspect you would have already left this therapist if you felt you had other options, but you stay because you feel you have no other options. I guess the bottom line is that you need to figure out what your bottom line is. Does seeing any T, even an imperfect one, have a benefit for you? Or, is seeing this imperfect T creating more problems than it is helping? You need to sit down and weigh the pros and cons and figure out if the pros outweigh the cons or vise versa. Right now, like others have said, you seem to be in a place of finding a justification for leaving the therapist. The only person you need to justify it to is yourself. It doesn't sound like a perfect situation by a long shot; however, you also said in another thread that you won't be okay on your own. Is that justification enough to stay? Or, do you need to rethink your ability to function on your own without the support of a therapist?

I think it could very well be that your therapist really wants to let clients initiate things in the way they want to. Have you noticed the same pattern in session? Such as letting you lead the session with the topics and pace that you choose, for example? Maybe she clings too much to textbooks saying she should not initiate. I think that if you want to continue with this therapist it might be a good idea to express how you find this dismissive - that way you can explore how come you find it dismissive rather than something else and she can also see how this impacts you and perhaps change some things. I would feel unconfortable if I were in your position too, but personally, from what you told us here, I don't think she's being dismissive - she has actually heard you and changed soimething trying to adapt - she came up with the handshaking to help have a proper goodbye. Sure, this isn't something she does only with you, but in your case she suggested it to help with something I gather you expressed about your needs from her. That said, I also have the need for the other (therapists included) to initiate at least occasionally, so I'm sorry your therapist does not meet your nees. ut you could take this as an opportunity for growth, to explore how you feel and let her know.

I think some people are just like that. Think about it - they have to pretend to get excited about every person they see, maybe 8 times a day? Every day of the week? That would drive me nuts. And the thought that i was getting paid to do it - just SMILE - would be more depressing. I would prefer to think i am there for my expertise, not my charm.

I don't know. It does seem incredibly rude for her to not even say good bye. I am not really sure. I think it's s bad idea to become passive aggressive with her though. You can ask her why she never say anything first.

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Perhaps there is another explanation for her not initiating a greeting when you arrive. I know with my T, she comes in to the waiting area and waits for me to notice her. She doesn't usually say my name or prompt me in any way, unless I'm completely oblivious to her. She does it for privacy's sake. The waiting area serves every business on the floor so there are often people waiting for a multitude of reasons. So, she comes in, smiles or waves at me, but doesn't say anything, and I get up and follow her out. Then, as we walk down the hallway, she usually walks in silence. She's giving me that time to order my thoughts, settle in to the therapy mindset, or initiate small talk, whatever I need to do.

Maybe your T is doing something similar when you arrive? Maybe if that's not what you need, you could try telling your T that you'd prefer she chat with you on the way to the office?

My ex-T used to greet me in a similar way. I saw her at her home, she would open her front door to me and she wouldn't say anything or look at me. When we sat down she didn't say anything until I spoke. I asked her why she did this. She told me that it was because she didn't know what feelings I would be coming with. I think she meant that she was being a blank slate and did not want to impose her own mood or feelings onto me. I accepted it at the time. My new T usually says 'how are you' when we sit down and it feels a really caring question in contrast to my ex-T, I never tire of hearing her ask it, as I feel that she genuinely wants to know. I think I feel similar to you that I don't like it when a T doesn't greet you, but I don't think that it necessarily means your T is ignorant or dismissive. You say that she changed her way of saying goodbye after you discussed it, maybe if you discuss the greeting that might also be helpful?

All of the above are good points. I know my therapists have all said very little until we were back in their offices. My recent usually just came to the waiting room and caught my eye and we'd go back; he only used my name if I didn't see him there for some reason. My pdoc is very similar that way. I think that is a privacy habit of not using a client's name where others could hear. If we talked in the hallway it was because I initiated it. As far as good-byes go, I honestly don't think there was much to it. Maybe a see you next time or something like that -- sometimes very little if I was not in a great head space.

Thanks. That´s interesting. Why would she want me to take the lead? I´ve told her and she already knows that I´m not a shy or withdrawn person and by that I don´t need to learn how to lead. I though agree it could be how she thinks.

Mabye your T is distancing herself because she's reading the same in you? I'm sure she can tell you're not actively engaged.

Thanks. Yes, that´s right, I would have left her if I had other alternatives. I´m not sure what´s worst, being with a T that I don´t like that much or being left on my own outside the health care system.

Thanks. Yes, she partly lets me talk about whatever comes to mind. I agree to that she has tried and that she has adapted to some of the things I mentioned. That she agreed to a handshake at the end as a proper goodbye felt nice and that she understood me but it´s nothing worth now when I look back as she never initiates that handshake herself. It´s like she only halfhearted agreed to it and the big thing is here as I see it is - why should I treat her more nicely than she treats me?

I don´t mean anyone here says I should but that´s what comes out of it, like I seek her attention and has to "chase" after her and she only keeps withdrawing.

Thanks. It´s valuable to hear about a similar experience. I think my T has a similar thought as yours, to keep it private and I think not saying my name or calling me by name in a public waiting area is completely reasonable. I don´t think we have to chat when passing through the hallway either but a proper "hello" and a bit of a smile isn´t too much to ask I think.

But as I´ve already experienced that I experience her not being genuine about adaptations in therapy I wouldn´t ask for more changes. If she then for example initiated a handshake at the end herself I wouldn´t feel any better.

Thanks. That´s very interesting and also a bit of an explanation. My T isn´t at all a blank slate in general but perhaps she thinks this way when meeting me in the waiting area. My T more or less always asks me how the week has been or something similar when we have sat down to talk. But I think the overall impression is important and to be consistent. Not acting like a stranger when we meet and ends the meeting.

If she in a way "plays games" so can I. I can also act antisocial or odd, avoiding looking at her when me meet or something like that.

I´m the opposite of not being engaged, I´ve been very engaged in the process and my T has also said I´m entusiastic and that I know a lot about therapy. I´m not writing this to brag or anything but I feel I really try to get as much as possible from every session.

If she lets you talk about whatever you want then why not stir topic towards current goals.

I don't understand why you want to play games. What for?

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She seems very cold and distant and uncaring to me. I'm sorry you are experiencing that. You are in a tough situation not having choices though.

In a therapy with her talking about goals would just mean that I talk and talk and she listen and comments and then I leave without having reached anything. She answers and often get back to questions around my childhood and my mother.

Playing games is what my T does so why shouldn´t I?

If she just sits there and isn't helpful then maybe quiting is a good option. It's your therapy and your precious time. I still wouldn't play games as it won't help anything. Just my opinion

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Thanks. Yes, perhaps playing games is too much but I´m thinking of changing attitude against her. I won´t just listen and accept everything she says but show her I don´t like what she presents. I don´t want to feel I´m nice to her because I´m in a vulnerable position. Like I need to like what she says or else she´ll terminate.

Sorry her behavior bothers you. I wouldn't like it either.

Sounds dismissive, indifferent, unfriendly, unprofessional. If it's a deliberate tactic in service of some therapeutic goal, that is just nuts. A basic greeting and farewell is not optional among normal humans.

T1 always greets and ends with a handshake that he initiates. Although at this point I would say that it is mutual.
T2 and 3 do not say hello. They come get me in the waiting room, usually just getting my attention and then Heading back to their offices. No talk in the hallway, but I think this is both to maintain my privacy and to not be an interruption to other ts and clients. They don't really say good bye, either. Often they will say see you next week as I head for the door, but not always. To me it sounds like your t is trying to adapt for you, but doesn't get it right all the time.
You seem to have a lot of obstacles to a good therapeutic relationship with this t. I know you can't switch, and I wonder if doing what DBT calls radical acceptance would help. Basically it is accepting that things are the way that they are, even though it is not ok. For example, accepting that a family member is an alcoholic. That is not ok, but it is the way that it is. Then making decisions based on that fact, like perhaps stopping giving money, seeking support groups, not making excuses.
In your case, it sounds to me like you may have to accept that this t falls short of what you would like. For me it would be helpful to focus on the fact that t is not what I want, but is it better than nothing? Rather than focusing on what she does wrong, focus on whether I want to continue the relationship as is. It sounds like she wants to be helpful, but it also sounds like she is not going to be able to be the perfect therapist for you.