[Atoll]

Please, I suffered long term emotional abuse by my brother and mother and went into therapy, i immediately started taking antidepressives (sertralin) for about 6 months and went in therapy, In those 6 Months a weird NLP programmer approached me at the jobcenter. At first i thought he wants to start up a youtube project with me(he was a trainer there for educational courses, but he is also a sociologist) 2 weeks after i met him he already bought Filming equipment worth 2k Euro. I became sceptical at this point, googled him up and figured out he is a NLP programmer, and he also used several NLP techniques onto me and he also knew i took antidepressives.
After a while i ended up in a group of those people, also a high and reknown judge and we discussed political stuff. At some point one of them actually mentioned something about teaching people "Elitist" way of thinking.
I was always sceptical and looking up for proper news etc., they just provided me some insight how politics and media works and stuff and based on that it changed my way of thinking about society a bit.
Anyways after i stopped taking antidepressives i had a breakdown because during the time i took antidepressives they(either the therapist or the Jobcenternlpguy) made me do things i never wanted to do (mechantronics apprenticeship).
As soon as it went off I suffered from an Acute pancreatitis aswell, started to hate myself even more for doing things i never actually wanted and falling for it, but they kinda forced me to "like" it. I am ****ing creeped out at this point.
Not only that after that happened my therapy lasted another 6 Months (i lost my trust into my therapist at this point), but since im depressed and helpless i sticked to her with some hope. In the last 6 sessions she provoked me so extremely and then aprubtly quit the therapy(End of January), she also tried to downtalk waht has happened to me. Since that time i hate myself, have sudden anger issues if i have to think about what happened to me in my childhood(those triggers can be anything, just someone talking about my mother, or just realizing that i am alone and suffering because of this) makes me Angry as **** and i can't do ****, i can only deal with it by hating myself or in extreme cases hurting myself with biting etc...
Besides that i lost any interest and fun in going out bicycling and developed Psychosomatic backpain. Seriously now. The Therapy and antidepressives made everything worse. I don't know what but the whole **** changed me somehow and i hate myself for it. I dont want this, i never wanted this.
What shall or can I do? im so ****ing desperate.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Atoll: Welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I'm afraid that, in reading your post, there is a lot of this I simply don't understand. So I'm hesitant to write too much about it. What is apparent is that you got into some stuff that you now regret. And you're extremely down on yourself for this. That is something I can certainly relate to.

Unfortunately I'm afraid the answer for this is more of what you've already had... therapy. I know you wrote that your experience with the therapist you were seeing went poorly... maybe even made matters worse. The reality is that not every individual who wants / needs therapy works well with any therapist. One has to find a particular therapist that one feels comfortable with. And this can take time. It's a process of trial-&-error.

You need to work through what happened with you. And the appropriate place to do this is in therapy. So my suggestion here is simply to seek out a new therapist... one in whom you can have confidence. Of course, different medications are an option too. There are a lot of them you can try. But they're not going to resolve your issues, only mask your symptoms.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Ididitmyway]

Hi Atoll,

I am sorry you are suffering so much. It sounds that something in your therapy was traumatic. I am not sure exactly what it was because it's hard to understand it from your description.

I understand that seeking therapy right after a traumatic experience in therapy is the last thing you would want to do. A good place to start at this point would be some kind of support hot line where you can call and tell about your situation and see what they can suggest. I see that you are in Austria. I believe, there are support lines and free referral services in your country. I suggest you to utilize their help as much as you can.

Good luck.

[Atoll]

Originally Posted by Ididitmyway

Hi Atoll,

I am sorry you are suffering so much. It sounds that something in your therapy was traumatic. I am not sure exactly what it was because it's hard to understand it from your description.

I understand that seeking therapy right after a traumatic experience in therapy is the last thing you would want to do. A good place to start at this point would be some kind of support hot line where you can call and tell about your situation and see what they can suggest. I see that you are in Austria. I believe, there are support lines and free referral services in your country. I suggest you to utilize their help as much as you can.

Good luck.

Well its a complicated story... The one Story with that NLP guy is following: I did a normal therapy and this happened in the same timeframe as i started with ym therapy and in my country if you dont have a job you have to attend at courses where you learn how to write proper CV and applications, or some english course and stuff. I was in an Eco-C course where i met this Sociologist, i was pretty honest with my depression and said that i took antidepressants, he started to be very convincing and after 2 Weeks course i actually visited him at home and we started planning with the youtube project. As i said he immediately bought equipment worth 2k Euros and he let me decide what we need. We got a high quality camera with greenbox, lighting, and Microphone. Meanwhile we often talked about politics and stuff. At some point he invited me to some other people who are from the same project(within them there was actually a highly reknown judge, so there were few academics and some from PR agencies and stuff discussing political topics and giving insight how politics really work... I never was really sure what this project was about, every time i asked they came with some vague answers, at one point they said something about teaching elitist thinking, which i have to admit really deepened my understanding of politics and economy immensly, allthough since I was still depressed and highly sceptical i stopped contact, in the last meeting i was already more regressive so they probably knew i won't come back and they recommended me to study at the movie academy...
Besides that he used NLP techniques like anchoring onto me, I am pretty sure because when i look back when i was taking Antidepressants I was sometimes in a trance like state when we worked on the video project. So it is cringeworthy that there are people trying to manipulate me without even telling me.

I mean i don't believe in Illuminati or something but this stuff is very strange , weird and cringeworthy.