The Couch 120: The Missing Element

It is odd how seemingly every woman I meet at least ten years older than me wants to mother me - except my own mother.

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chris i hope he will be ok my thoughts are with you

Lolagrace I hope your dad is ok. Thinking of you

I'm sorry to hear that, Chris, sending good thoughts hoping he is okay.

My sister says he is in atrial fibrillation with elevated heart and liver levels, elevated bilirubin - eyes are yellow. They suspect a virus may have set this off. It is killing me to be so far away, but sister says he's alert and doing okay in the hospital and that I should stay here and tend to my husband who is scheduled for surgery Thursday. She'll let me know if she needs me down there (it's a major trip to drive -- 10 hours). Rather stressed at the moment.

• "Wow, our customers keep complaining" to "Wow, I'm going to get some new customers".
• "My boss has given me so much work, I can barely breathe" to "I'm going to get a boss who cares for me!"
• "My boss keeps criticising me" to "I'm going to get a boss who believes me!"
• "I am being tasked with more work without a pay-raise" to"I am going to get a great job!"
• "My colleagues are spreading rumours about me" to "I'm going to get some colleagues who find me interesting!"

Why on earth would anyone want to mock you for that?!?

((Crocus))

Now that's personal empowerment eh! But Corporate is never about personal empowerment of employees. At least, not any Corporate environment I've ever worked in.

Evening, couch.

I just had a random worrries attack and emailed pdoc in the midst of it. I wish I could unsend it. I was not under the influence of anything, so it was not a drunk or drugged email. I was just extremely worried and realized I have been for a few days and rambled on about how I was feeling. I hope he doesn't hospitalize me. I did end by saying I am safe and feel in control of my actions but I was just worried, so hopefully he will believe me.

Email to pdoc:

Dr. V,

Sorry for another email so soon, but I have a couple more questions/concerns. I want to know how long I should wait dealing with something before becoming concerned and contacting you office for an appointment. Here is the situation:

Tuesday last week, I got my annual review for my CVS job. While I received a "meets expectations," I was still told what I need to work on. One the things I was told was being more emotional and forming relationships with the customers. Not to use my mental health as an excuse, but I find it had to form relationships and show emotion to people out of fear that I might be taken advantage of or it might be used against me. I tried on Wednesday to do better at it and found it extremely difficult. Thus, Wednesday night I began to worry that I might lose my CVS job over not being able to form connections with customers. That got my stomach into enough knots. Then on Thursday I had three job interviews for teaching positions in the morning and two of the three seemed to go bad. Thus, I then began to worry that I will not find a teaching job and have to return to my assistant job once school starts back up and deal with the kids who threatened me last year and have the school do nothing about it again besides maybe send me to their therapist when I already have my own. I do not want a repeat of last year, that made me stressed enough. After my first three interviews on Thursday, I had my appointment with you (that ended up being with Mary Ann for a valid reason). After the appointment, I had one more interview for a teaching position. It also did not go well, so now I really began to worry that I will not secure a teaching position. I am afraid that if I return to the school I was at last year as an assistant, I will be stuck doing the same stuff they had me doing at the end of last year when they moved me out of half the classes I was assisting in to sit in a room for "study hall" students, which were never sent in, so I would end up sitting in the room alone and staring at the wall. They said they felt that it was a better placement for me concerning that I felt threatened by some students. In reality, it was worse as I was locked away with no social interaction. I do not want to be stuck doing that again and fear that I will me after reporting threats made by students last year. They wouldn't believe me that students were making threats against me. The students said I was lying and they believed them. I don't want to deal with that again, but it looks like I will have to. This is causing me even more stress. I am stressed enough where I am not sleeping as much as usual, though I am still sleeping some. I also have only felt like eating about one meal a day lately from having my stomach in knots.

I do not know if all of this is temporary and situational or part of a bigger problem. I have never really been worried about the fate of things before and I do not like the feeling. I don't know if it is enough to say I have anxiety as it is all related and piled on in a short period of time. If it is anxiety, I would rather not be put on another medication for it as I have enough problems taking the pills I am on. I am doing better about remembering, but I am still missing doses here and there.

My question is...how long should I allow these worries to carry on before becoming concerned that it might be more than I can solve on my own? I know you have a busy schedule and I know you get hundreds of emails a day. I just wanted some input on this as to when I should say enough is enough and call your office to make an appointment, which may not be possible depending on how booked your schedule is. I come back at the end of August for my injection, should I just wait until then (if the worries are still there) before becoming concerned?

Despite these worries, I am safe. I do not have any thoughts of doing anything to myself. I hate pain, so anything like that is out of the question for me. I do feel in control enough to control my actions, I am just more worried than anything.

Any input would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks.
Squirrel

Yep, corporate is corporate.
I like, haha!

I think it shows youre looking for more positive direction in your life? Look, you are fast-tracking yourself, with working at a school, going to school, and doing CVS. Does donald trumps daughter work that hard? No! She just was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. Youre doing it the hard way. Sometimes parents can give good guidance; other times not. We gotta find you a mentor or something. Is there a Toastmasters meeting near you? Or take a Dale Carnegie course - that helped me with relationships a lot.

It never rains but it pours. (((Lola)))

Always everything at once I guess. It will work out one way or another.

Looks like I will never get out of this place as I got my electrictiy bill and its nearly $1000 and I can't move to an new more energy efficient place until i pay off this account. The payment plan I am on is slowly eating into the balance but once summer comes again...

Doesn't sound to me like anything that would make pdoc think of hospitalization.

I really need to put my syllabus together for the fall semester.

Squirrel often corporations don't allocate enough budget for proper pay raises so "performance" becomes an excuse not to give raises. A common tactic they use is that given say five employees, even if all five are great workers, they have to identify a top performer and a bottom performer no matter what. It is a rigged system so I hope you don't take your review to heart too much. I've learned that self improvement and self evaluation are good things but it is important to identify what is NOT your fault also. I hate that companies take advantage of people's vulnerabilities. Squirrel you are so hard working!!! If you feel taken advantage of don't be afraid of going to a rival pharmacy.

Chris, I'm sorry to hear about your dad. You are in my thoughts.

Well, my T's explanation would probably be that instinctive reactions can be formed by certain aspects of our upbringing.

This rings true for me, as well. I'm constantly guarding my words or actions, expecting ridicule. And I'm the only 42 year old I know in real life who still blushes like a schoolgirl so my reactions are always noticed, inviting even more ridicule. (((Crocus)))

Chris, I'm sorry to hear about your father, good thoughts headed your way.

chris how are things with your dad

i noticeably blush too. im pale with reddish hair so its really noticeable when i do... like the other night at my job. a man told me i am very pretty. i instantly turned red. he said youre blushing and kept apologizing. it was pretty awkward!!!!! it makes me feel even more embarrassed when people point out that im turning red. i seriously almost covered my face with my jacket

I am the same way... constantly guarding my words and actions expecting ridicule... anytime I talk about myself I cry because of that, and blush of course.... (which makes job interviews awkward!) I think t is the only person I don't automatically cry when I'm talking about myself with anymore.... but even that took awhile. I'm interested to see if after my experiences over the weekend, how I feel like I truly have finally let go of my past (my 'old story' as t calls it) if that will change this or not. I should try meeting with my supervisor today and ask about how I can improve or something and see if I cry like usual or not. Might be a good test.