The Couch 120: The Missing Element

Does this mean I have to yield the wing chair to you?

))SD((

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We are dealing with bad chemo reactions and a very tired and worn out body and spirit who is at the beginning of getting tired (I understand this) of tests, bags of chemo goo, side effects etc.

I think welts and bruises are bad. When I raised my child, i never bruised her or left welts. I never let a man (father, step-father, teacher) spank her because I knew they would spank out of anger. Sometimes men don't know their own strength. I rarely spanked my child because of what happened to me.

When I was 10, my father was cheating on my mother. It was no secret within the family. There were several,other stresses at home. My fifth grade teacher noticed i was falling behind in my work, I was distracted and depressed. She whispered to me, "Pre, what's wrong?" I innocently told her the truth, "My father is seeing another woman." I didn't know I wasn't supposed to tell anyone.

My teacher thought she was doing a good thing and she called home. My father was enraged. I will skip the terrorizing details and just say I was belted. I was hysterical. During the punishment I remember thinking to myself, "I'm not going to let this hurt me anymore!" Then, I discovered I had popped out of my body. I was floating near the ceiling and I felt strangely calm. I could see everything that was going on. My body was limp. I couldn't feel pain, I wasn't even feeling sympathy watching my ten year old body getting hit. I saw one brother rush at my father, shouting, "You're killing her!" My father pushed him over the couch.

My next memory is of crying and walking up the stairs.

I never had broken bones. I never needed stitches. If i was ten and my father did those things to me today, he would be in jail.

I am not DID, but my punishments were bad. Leaving bruises and welts on your child is bad. When most of the touch you get from your parents is hurtful, that's bad. When you are not scooped up, hugged and told you are loved, that is bad.

I guess my point is, context is everything. You were bruised. You had welts. But that was not all of the damage. You may have been terrorized, you were most likely fearful, angry, and helpless. You and your sister may remember the details around your punishments, maybe you don't. If *you* feel your punishments were bad, they were.

In my opinion, It doesn't matter if corporal punishment was part of your societies norm. My ten year old self didn't know what kind of punishments were "normal" in my society. I popped out of my body anyway.

I was a sensitive child. I am a sensitive adult. My brother's experiences and memories of our childhoods are not the same. They were born with different temperaments.

But that doesn't discount how I experienced them or the effect they had on me.

If you are doing research, maybe look at some professional articles about child abuse and children's brain development. I read that the brain is not finished growing until age 18 to 21. If I remember correctly, there are articles that say child abuse at around age two and then again, around age 10-13ish are sensitive times and can affect how the child's brain is being wired.

I'm sorry your mother punished you leaving welts and bruises. Sometimes it can be confusing because you probably have had good experiences with her, as did your sister.... I had great experiences with my parents, too. It would be easier to judge these experiences if our parents were "all bad."

Sorry this is long. I hope it helps you and is not upsetting to read.

im not assuming anything she out right told me she expects me to be there for her etc...to come live here when she cant be on her own any more and to take care of her financially.

Did I chase CassyO away?

She would be miserable coming back to the cold. And with no friends? Im not trying to argue with you, but my mother would voice the same fantasy i think just to torture me. Then she went ahead and made her own plans.

Can you and hubby and maybe eventually an estate planner look into her nursing home possibilities where she lives now? Are all her friends going someplace?

In the meantime, i will bow out of this conversation and wish you good fortune.

Hey Granite...I hope you know that it is NOT NORMAL for a parent to expect this of their children, right? She just is digging her claws deeper and deeper into you.

Either way, we are here for you...seriously. I am, anyway.

thanks velcro taking care of your parents as they get old seems like a normal thing to do but so much of me doesnt want to do this at all .but another part feels horribly guilty about it

Crocus, Thank you for being awake with me last night. I've only had two hours sleep. I don't know what I'm going to do. I will probably be honest with my brother. I didn't do anything wrong except miscalculate. It could happen to most anyone.

I'm sorry you got no sleep but I'm glad you know you were in my thoughts. You're right, it was a honest mistake which could definitely happen to anybody, and it won't have any terrible consequences.

As for telling your brother, what I do (when I have no way to get out of telling - that's always my first choice) is say something on the lines of "This happened, and here's what I'm doing to fix it." I don't know if that works for you or not.

thanks velcro taking care of your parents as they get old seems like a normal thing to do but so much of me doesnt want to do this at all .but another part feels horribly guilty about it

That might just be a candidate for most bizarre thing said by a therapist ever. Did she explain what she meant?

Art, I get the sense your therapist wants you to have more of what you've found in therapy. So, not a negative at all.