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  #1  
Old Jul 26, 2007, 01:03 PM
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... at least according to my family and at least for the next several days, or until my mother gets out of her mood. It's the work of the devil to upset her. Nothing may be said which may in any way cause hurt or anger, even if it's true. The family will rally around and exclude the evil one. It doesn't matter that we seem to take turns at being the evil one. i am evil more than the rest combined. i am evil.

thou shalt not point out anything hurtful... for it is a sign that thou doth not appreciate any good things which have cometh thy way. Any and all good deeds must override any pain caused to the evil one.

"i am a bad mother" No, you are saying i am bad for making you cry.

37 yrs of being treated differently tends to create an evil one. It matters and it doesn't matter that good things happen too. i can be grateful and appreciate good things but still feel the sting of being the different one...the bad child... the difficult one... the one who made them glad you were born last instead of first so they were willing to have other children before you but not after.

evil bad difficult pushy stubborn unlovable unstoppable rotten bad bad bad

"but dear, you know we do a lot of good things for you."

i am the devil

did i ever deserve love? what did i do wrong? Call me a bad seed but tell me why.. tell me how to make you love me like you love them.

why was i born different from the others? why was i born different from everyone?

i tell my T i am not real people.

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  #2  
Old Jul 26, 2007, 03:22 PM
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dreamrunner dreamrunner is offline
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Member Since: May 2007
Posts: 340
Gerber,Im sorry you feel such strong feelings about your place in the family.Family is often the ignition that propels deep hurt and self doubt.
I'll tell you Ive done some crazy,hurtful,inconsiderate things to some of my family members but there were real issues surrounding them.No you cant always blame family,or a disorder or our weaknesses for everything but you can try to see it as just LIFE and sometimes you get kicked to the curb and its your responce to it that really makes the difference.
I dont know if this advise is helpful but dont equate your personal value and self worth in comparison to family.
Most families have shadows it doesnt have to make you in the dark. i am the devil
  #3  
Old Jul 26, 2007, 06:36 PM
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Soidhonia Soidhonia is offline
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(((GERBER)))). I am sorry that you are struggling at this time with your family. It is very confusing and upsettng to live within a family where someone is taking turns to harm others whomever it may be. I hope things get better for you soon and I hope you are not spending too much time trying to determine what you are doing wrong to cause this issue with your mother. Nothing that is happening is your Fault what so ever, and in time with your therapist I hope you can understand what is happening has nothing to do with you at all but is something your mother needs to address herself. Try to take care of yourself Gerber (you are not the Devil) and I dont truly believe that anyone here at Psych Central feels that you are at fault for what is happening. Try to hang in there, if possible. Soidhonia
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  #4  
Old Jul 26, 2007, 06:42 PM
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FloweringHope FloweringHope is offline
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Gerber,

You're precious and special!

i am the devil
  #5  
Old Jul 26, 2007, 08:11 PM
Caramee Caramee is offline
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Member Since: Jun 2007
Posts: 98
I am sorry you are seeing yourself through the lens of your family -- they can be very powerful lenses, but they can also be distorted.

I haven't been here long nor can I say I know you well, but I feel confident in saying you are "real people" to me. And you're not evil. Not at all.

I hope you can heal those family wounds to see yourself the way you deserve to be seen.

(((Gerber)))
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Fall down seven times, get up eight. -- Japanese Proverb
  #6  
Old Jul 27, 2007, 10:32 AM
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I internalised the "evil" that was done to me as being me. It wasn't. things happened outside of me taht made me feel evil.
  #7  
Old Jul 27, 2007, 11:29 PM
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January January is offline
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((((((( Gerber )))))))))

As a fellow black sheep, I can tell you that my family can and will hurt me like no one else.

Please try hard not to internalize the garbage they throw at you. It's not true. Not at all.

Hugs,

Jan
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  #8  
Old Jul 28, 2007, 01:11 PM
Balzac Balzac is offline
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Member Since: Nov 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 24
I'm a black sheep myself, but you are not the devil! far from it. You're a great, strong, stubborn unstoppable (I hope, anyway) struggling human being-- and you deserve a lot of good, much more than you currently have in your life. But it will get better; I have a lot of faith in time and working at it--and I know you are, determinedly, despite all the doubts and seeming setbacks.

I wish you could see how far from the truth all those thoughts and accusations, and self-accusations are.

Sorry I've been missing you on Babblechat. Maybe we'll be there together soon.

Balzac (Honore)
  #9  
Old Jul 30, 2007, 01:12 AM
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baaaaah.. i am the devil sorry. bad sheep humour.

my t talked about middle group ways i could handle this but i backed out and backed down. i am the devil i'm not very strong anymore. i used to be once.

thanks everyone for responding, those in the black flock or not. i suppose it's not just being treated as the bad child, but having a split... one good child and one bad child... makes it more obvious. i just let them circle the wagons and alienate me briefly. AT least it has been reasonably brief... so far.

once in my church..well when i had a church... they had a service for the teens and they had them all go to the front... had them all crying over their wickedness i guess... i was the only one left and i wouldn't go. i sat in those front pews alone with the minister leaning over me begging me to join the others. i think he thought i was evil too... and the people in the church. i know my mom was crying.

my dear honore... balzac is such a icky name... how ever did you choose it? it has an unhappy feel as it rolls from the tongue and reminds me of a bad spice or something. i have missed a lot of people lately...working mostly. But i miss you, not just in chat but in general.
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