Rejected by a Prospective Therapist

I finally got my nerve up, as I mentioned about a week ago, to begin the process of finding a new therapist. I interviewed my first one last week, and it seemed to go ok. However, she called me to follow up and give me her recommendation. It was a very awkward conversation. For someone who makes a living out of being impartial and hiding her own emotions during conversations, she sucks.

It was, as I said, very awkward. She said, "Based off of our meeting the other day, I think it would be best ... I am going to recommend ... that you find somebody else." I said, " ... Ok?" I expected a little bit more of an explanation. She said, "You mentioned things, like wanting to do phone sessions. Given the extent of my practice, I think ... I am going to recommend ... that you see someone else". It was just like that. Very stilted.

What does "extent of my practice mean?" Like her level of experience? Phone sessions were the second most important criteria for me in my search, because I will be going back to school later this Fall. I asked her about whether she did phone therapy the first time I spoke with her - before I even met her in person. And she assured me that she did do phone therapy. So I don't know why she used that as an excuse.

I was telling my old therapist, whom I am still talking to every so often while I find someone else, about this meeting. She and I agree that it was most likely my history that made this therapist wary of taking me on as a client. I was caught in the middle of a dispute between one of my past therapists and a hospital when I was in residential a few years ago. They accused her of being unethical and it was a whole thing - I was forced to terminate, made to see a therapist found by the hospital, it reinforced all the trust issues that I already have, etc. I didn't tell this new person that I was interviewing any of the details, only that I had a rocky history with transitioning from therapists and that it was something that I would want to process somewhere down the road, without judgment from her. She pressed for more details and I didn't tell her anything except for that I was forced to terminate with a therapist after the hospital accused of being unethical. I gave her no names, no details. My current therapist told me that to another therapist who doesn't know me, I sound like trouble because I either sound like a drama queen, someone who has a reputation of accusing therapists (which I technically didn't do, the hospital did), or a possible legal case. All of which are red flags.

So I was rejected by a therapist. I didn't even know that they could do that. It's hard not to take it personally. I'm trying to move on and find someone new but everything from my past continues to follow me around and cause trouble. Sigh. I don't know how many more interviews I have in me. What if I run out of steam before I find someone who fits?

Miswimmy,

I feel for you. Had this happen a couple of times during my search for a new T.
The painful thing was that I felt that I could have worked well with those Ts (well, maybe. Looking back I'm not so sure..)

It's so incredibly hard not to take this personally and feel rejected, especially since you opened up a little bit and made yourself vulnerable. Only to be told, sorry we can't work together. And for her to hide behind ehm 'technicalities' (for want of a better word..)

But, ultimately, it is their problem. So don't take the blame for this, and please don't feel shamed by her. Easier said than done, I know. And it stings.
But in the end you're really better off without this T, believe me. If she's acting so awkward and clumsy now - how would she behave once things start to get a bit difficult between you (and this most likely is bound to happen in any therapeutic relationship, sooner or later)? And that one would hurt even more.

With regard to your history:
Maybe you could give a potential T the basic facts about the forced termination and forced transition. But leave out that they accused your T of being unethical and leave that bit for later. You could just tell them that you were a minor at the time (if I remember correctly), that doctors and your parents thought your T wasn't helping and thus you were forced into seeing a new T... Make it clear that it was also a conflict with authorities (your parents, the doctors) and not having any say in the matter and thus feeling helpless and not so much about what your former T did or didn't do. Make it about you and how you felt in the situation, and how this tied in into you history of being adopted...

I'm sure that once you got a good working relationship going with a new T that all the details won't matter so much any longer.

Wishing you all the best for your search. Hang in there.
Hugs, c_r

It's hard to tell based on her short explanation. It's within her right to not accept patients. It likely was in your best interest and nothing personal as to you. You two likely weren't compatible in her eyes, that's all. Chin up, dear. xo

Why dont you just find someone wherever you are going to school? Most schools have counseling centers. And use it to help you achieve your goals for this college year, rather than rehashing problems from a few years ago? I dont understand why those incidents are relevant now.

Don't give up. I thought I would be judged as a "problem" or "difficult" client when I looked for a T after ex-T abandoned me. I thought they would all blame me. And I had to tell them because that was the most pressing issue. Both Ts I met with were fine with the situation. Neither seemed to judge me. So if I was lucky enough to find a T, I believe you can too.

I wouldnt take it personally.
If you came to me saying you needed a glass of orange juice, but all I had with me to offer was milk, beer, and wine, would it feel like a rejection of YOU? nope, i just cant give you what you need. so to really help take car eof your needs, i would send you to the guy who is selling orange juice down the street- that is what would help you the best.
does that make any sense?

Miswimmy1 - Ack. I'm sorry, I've been there too, and it's a rotten feeling... especially when the reason they give you seems lame and you know you're not getting the whole story.

I had one therapist that I was referred to, saw for 3 sessions, thought we were doing therapy... and at the end of the session (!) she told me that she thought I needed immediate help, and she was going to be leaving for a 2-week vacation and therefore wasn't available (ha... you know, for those 2 weeks!), so I needed to find someone else. No referrals or anything. It was incredibly *lame*.

I found it really hurtful too. One thing to keep in mind, sometimes they really can't tell you the reason, because it's either personal (i.e. your issues overlap theirs, and they don't think they can treat you effectively) or because of confidentiality.

So, for example, a T might do this if...

- You remind her of someone that she has strong feelings about (good or bad) - to the point that she doesn't think she can be effective. For example, you might remind her of her dear daughter who is currently ill that she's constantly worried about.

- If you disclosed anything that hit on her issues that haven't yet been dealt with.

- If it turns out that the T treats someone close to you. She couldn't tell you, due to confidentiality, but would have to make up an excuse. Or, if she has any kind of personal/professional relationship with people in your family, she might not be comfortable taking you on. You'd hope she'd realize this before taking your money for a first session, but... *ahem* clearly sometimes that doesn't happen.

BTW I kind of wish they'd offer a refund, or at least a partial refund, in cases like this. You probably didn't get any real therapeutic benefit from meeting with her, one session doesn't seem like enough to do anything other than check whether you both think you can work together. It sort of bugs me that Ts are willing to take your money, but then send you on your way. I really like the idea of Ts who do free initial consultations, even if they're much shorter, so that you can meet and ask questions and decide if you like each other, but I haven't seen any of those in my area.

Good luck with your search. If it helps, you have the same rights to be just as picky as these Ts about who you work with... so make sure you ask anything you need to know, and listen carefully to their answers!

You make some really good points here! There's a good chance it was a reason that had nothing to do with Miswimmy, but the T couldn't, for whatever reason, share the real reason. That could explain why she sounded so awkward.

It's risky trying to find someone who will listen. I think most people who need a therapist don't want to admit it to start with, let alone when you are turned down and forced to start again. I finally got the resources and I walked away out of fear. Someone has to have the expertise to help you. We all need to believe that. I'm sorry to hear this.

just a thought here based on my location.... many treatment providers are phasing out phone sessions due to the size of the mental health agency, treatment provider\client ratio doesnt allow much time for phone sessions if a client wants to do most if not all of their therapy by phone my location now recommends that client who does not want to do face to face sessions very often find someone new. short version since obama care laws requiring all americans to have health care insurance plans r get fined went into affect there are more people in the USA able to get mental health treatment. this results in many mental health agencies with long waiting lists. so rather than taking on clients that dont want to attend therapy and leaving those who need help right away and are willing to attend therapy sessions in person on long waiting lists, some mental health agencies are phasing out or limiting their spaces for phone sessions. a client can still have emergency phone sessions when needed but mental health therapy with most mental health agencies now require actual face to face sessions now.

another reason many mental health agencies are limiting phone sessions is because a big part of mental health therapy sessions is hands on work during the therapy session, sometimes a therapist can make mistakes if they dont have the part of therapy sessions called observing the client, noticing what makes the client comfortable or not, and other subtle body language that goes on as a normal part of mental health therapy sessions. not to mention the liability factors should something happen and the law says you were the persons therapist why didnt you do something to prevent this. well just like being online here at psych central the extent of help a therapist can give is very limited by phone vs in person.

this is all guess work mind you based on what that statement would mean here in my own location. to fond out what that statement means in your own location you will need to contact the treatment provider that stated that and explain to them you need more clarification on why they wont be your therapist.