Integration

I posted before about my BF with DID. He and I are doing fine. He and his Protector? Well...
(can I just call them Jon and Jonathan - Main and Protector?)

Jonathan has decided that they need to integrate. Jon's OK with the idea, but it's not working very well yet in practice. Jon doesn't trust Jonathan because Jonathan used to take over a LOT, and he caused a lot of trouble. So Jon isn't comfortable with the idea of "sharing" with Jonathan.

I don't know anything about DID and personalities and integration. The only people I know have a system, and the system works fairly well together. I don't know anything about the integration process...

They are..."speed switching". I guess that's a way to describe it. Before, I had Jon most of the time, and Jonathan for 15 minutes here, 30 minutes there. Enough time for a conversation, but not all day. Last Thursday and again last night, they were just coming and going for a while. Not even five minutes, and they switched again.

I'm just kind of worried about them. Jonathan decided last Thursday that he wants to "be together", and he tells me that he's trying to learn to cooperate. Even though Jon talks about "being together", too, he doesn't trust Jonathan not to take over. Is this sort of back and forth normal? How does integration work?

In other news, Jonathan tells me that he loves me, too. He told me he won't touch me sexually (although Jon doesn't believe him). I don't know if that would bother me or not...but that's between the two of them. Not my business as long as I know who's "here". I do feel badly for Jonathan, tho. He's such a hard-*** most of the time 'cause that's his job, but sometimes he sounds really tired and lonely.

Jonathan wants to be my Protector as well. He almost got into it with a girl last night because she was saying that Bisexuals are "freaks", and he didn't like that because I'm "not a freak!". I'm flattered, but I'm a big girl and I don't need protecting. Not like that.

I'm really confused...I love this man - all of him. I just don't want to do anything wrong, and I'm not sure what's going on or who to talk to about it.

Hi Kendyll,
Good to hear how things are going. I tend to forget how my DID affects others sometimes. It's interesting to me to see the other side of the fence so to speak.

I don't have any communication with other parts of me at this time, so it's hard for me to give advice on this. Is your boyfriend seeing a therapist? I don't know what I would do without mine.

I know for me, when I have seen or heard about some things I have done unaware, it's sometimes upsetting, especially when they've done something so out of character for me. So, I can understand Jon's hesitation on things. On the other hand, integrating gives more control in the long run I think.

There are times when I am so confused that I don't know what end is up. T has said that happens when I switch a lot in a short period of time. Because I don't have communication, it's just really confusing like I'm skipping through a movie and push play every other few minutes and trying to figure out what's going on around me. Those times can be hard and I really feel out of balance.

I think you're doing really well. Just accepting your boyfriend as he is, is huge in my book. In my opinion, the very fact that you are concerned about him and accepting of him, you'll be okay. Even if mistakes are made, he will know and feel that from you. Communication is key, I think.

Please keep us posted and thanks for coming back to update.

Thanks for being so kind!
He doesn't have a T. He did, but that T left, and the replacement has canceled the last four appointments. Not very professional...But he hasn't found a replacement yet. He doesn't have insurance ATM, so he's kinda stuck where he goes right now. I'd let him have some of my T appointments, but it's not like taking your car to the same mechanic. Besides, I need my T appointments enough as it is. :-P

He's not very co-conscious. Jon usually has NO idea what's gone on when Jonathan is "present". Jonathan is a little better, but not much. He does have some awareness of Jon's world, and he's been able to share things with me that Jon needs to know that he can't communicate himself. How are these two going to integrate when they can't even really interact with each other...???

Jonathan called me one night and left me a voicemail asking me to come and help. I called him back and then went over. Jon's only got a couple of months clean and sober, and his body is still kinda sick. He wore himself out (poor guy) and Jonathan stepped in to make him eat and rest, but he was too weak and he needed my help. After a while, Jon came back through and he was really unnerved to find me there. When he found out that Jonathan had left me a message, he wanted me to play it for him.

You're describing what he tells me he feels like when he's speed switching. Skipping through life and missing part of the story. I just wish he would quit bad-mouthing Jonathan. I understand there's been a lot of conflict between them. I just don't like hearing anyone talk badly about the man I love (any of him). But I can't be a T. I can only be a partner.

Jonathan did say something odd yesterday...Something about how he wishes he could see the stars again, how he wishes he were the one who felt loved. I wish there were something I could do for him...
But I know that I can't/won't do anything behind Jon's back. I feel bad enough sometimes for talking to Jonathan as much as I do, like I'm being dishonest or disloyal. I'm always honest about any switching. I just don't know if it's a breach of confidence to tell one what I spoke to the other about. When he asks, I tell him, but i don't always feel comfortable volunteering information.

Hi Kendyll

I'm not DID either but I do have a dear friend who is. I can only go by my experience with my friend and her alters in what I'm about to say and I don't know if it fits other folks with DID.

Whenever I've had conversations with anyone within the system and my friend asks me what was said or done, I ask her to go within and ask if it's alright for me to tell her what transpired. And the same goes the other way around also. I think there are times when those within the system need to release what is on their minds without the fear of being "told on". So by asking them if it's ok to discuss it with my friend, it gives them the right to say yes or no and feel validated at the same time that they are important and cared about. I believe that many times those within the system are more aware of what my friend can handle than I am. I don't ever want to hurt her or her system in any way.

I have also found that by asking permission, has helped her system to begin learning how to communicate better within. Some of them have been able to work towards co-awareness on many issues.

Wishing you both well!


sabby

Hi again That's hard about his T. I hope that will get straightened out soon. I definitely agree about you not being a T but a partner. I imagine it is so hard. My son struggles with some issues (not a dissociative disorder) and it was hard to see him in so much pain and not be able to do anything. But I did learn that while I wasn't able to do much, he still felt my support and was able to lean on it when needed. I think that's what our role can be, even when we aren't knowledged enough to help in other ways. I used to tell my T that I would have to quit so son could go to her because she was such a good T and I wanted son to have her. She said that was a nice thought, but it doesn't really work that way lol. So, stick with your T. Your T might also be able to give you some support and direction in supporting your boyfriend too.

I struggle with knowing. My T does not tell me things that other parts discuss with her, but quite honestly, I don't want to know. It's probably a form of denial, but that denial is what got me this disorder in the first place I guess.

I think one problem I have with people telling me what I missed, if they know I missed, is because it's too scary. What if they tell me something that my part of the brain wasn't ready to handle. Just be careful disclosing.

I know there is a running tape in my head calling me all sorts of names so I know it must be hard to hear negative things said about him. I don't have any advice there either other than to negate the negative with some positive stuff.

Just remember, it's all the same guy overall, but I do understand your feelings and Jon's feelings on that. I would say don't worry about integration at this time, until he can get to a T. If his brain is ready for that step, I think it will do it though.

Not sure this was much help, but I wanted you to know I care and am glad you're here and posting.

Jon was having a pretty good day the other day but...we were on the couch kissing *blush*. He pulled back and I heard Jonny ask "Who's kissing me? Oh, it's the pretty girl!" and he pulled me to him and kissed me again. Then he stopped and said "I've never kissed a girl before. That's so cool!" Uh-oh. I drew back and we talked for a while until Jon came back forward. He was tickled that Jonny would sneak out to meet me in person. Turns out Jonny is about 14-15 years old. And he's getting a crush on me.

This gets a little prickly. I know that there should be no sexual contact with children, and that would mean Jonny. But Jonny's just about integrated, and I didn't notice that switch until after. He and the "big guy" are really close...How do I keep from doing anything if I don't find out until after he switches? I mean, I'm bound to get tripped up on that one once in a while...but I don't want to do anything bad. I mean, I know I need to stop as soon as I find out! But is there anything I can do to protect us BEFORE?

Can integration come undone? I'm just curious because he told me that he and Jonny are just about integrated, but Jonny has been out a few times on his own lately. They're still co-conscious, so that's good (I think). But if they're integrated, how can Jonny act independently? Or is the key phrase "just about"?

Or do I just have NO CLUE?
Is there anything more I can do to help? I like the idea about asking him to check with everyone if there's something he needs to know. That might be good. I know sometimes they talk amongst themselves, so nobody is completely isolated. Hmmm...