Keeping secrets from T about ongoing abuse *Trigger*

Thank you Fingers crossed for Wednesday.

I can understand some of your fears around telling. I have never told my t who my abuser is because I know she is obliged to report him and that she would like nothing better than to report him.
Yes and if your dad is a psychopath, I don't doubt this for a second he will use all of him charm to manipulate anyone you report him too. It probably feels like you are stuck in a hopeless place, would you agree? You said your life wouldn't be worth living if no one believed you if you reported him, but is it worth living now if he can snatch you off the street?
Is there a way you can fight him yourself without reporting just yet. I wonder if you want to report this? Are you ready for this right now? I ask because in my experience reporting can do a lot more harm than good and often leaves the victim feeling more hopeless and abused.
It's hard to have any spirit left after being abused but could you muster up a little to see how you want to fight this, what feels right for you now?

My T knows my dad is responsible for the past abuse, but like you said, if I tell her now, she'll report him. I know what she thinks of my dad and I think she's just waiting for me to give her the green light to go ahead.

Hopeless, helpless, powerless - that's how it feels. Like this situation is black and white and I'm stuck in the grey area alone.
The way I feel right now, and as I stand, I'm not ready to end it. Since I left home there has been this silent war, one that only we know about. 10 years of having my 'freedom' but in reality I'm still his victim. I am so tired and frustrated with myself, I'm angry I don't have the strength to walk into a police station and tell them the truth. I'm ashamed at 25 I still feel like a 10 year old.

I have always fought him internally. When he says things I know aren't true, on the outside I'm nodding and agreeing, on the inside I'm waging a verbal war against him. I have phone records and have some physical evidence I've taken pictures of last night. But like you said, I don't have a lot of fight in me right now. Not enough to fight him in the court system.

What I feel is right for me now is not something I'm proud of. I'm playing a waiting game. Wait until I can't wait anymore. I have to be more scared of my dad and what he's capable of now, than I am of the consequences of telling my T / the police. The things he does, he's been doing since I was very young, I don't want to say I'm used to it as such, but I can cope with it. I have no idea how I'd cope with the fallout of pressing charges. I'm not ready to report it, I'm not ready to do a lot about it, but I can't keep it in anymore. Being here is the first step for me, this time history won't repeat itself. I might take a bit longer to open up this time (school counsellor Vs telling T) but I'll do it right this time. I hope.

You don't have to fight him in the court system.
You don't have to tell the police.
You can just walk away.

It sounds like you are doing the right thing for you right now which is always the right choice. You know that by reporting him when you don't have the fight or self support in place would be an annihilation on yourself. I know that when you have the resources in you and the support around you can fight this. Right now staying here stuck is familiar and in a way feels safe because you know how to protect yourself. You have a window of tolerance that has helped you survive this awful abuse you have suffered and endured. If you opened that window and you weren't ready god know what could seep through. Can you talk to your t about this and ask her would she report it knowing it would be detrimental to your health? I am sure that if you explain the risks she will collaborate with you on how best to proceed!

How?

You just leave. You go somewhere else. You move house. You move cities. You just... leave. You don't need to stay there.

I have been where you are. I've done it. You just... go.
Life is elsewhere.

My T has made it clear that she will report him, but I'm going to talk to her, hopefully if I can explain myself properly she'll understand that it isn't simple. That reporting him straight away isn't the best thing for me. Thank you so much for this. I'm seeing her Wednesday so I'll tread lightly. I'm 99% sure if I talk to her like you said, she'll understand. If not this week, hopefully I can tell her soon.

In the last ten years (since I was 15) he's found me everywhere I've been. I don't have the money to move again. It's so easy to find people in the UK, I'm on the electoral which is public. Unless I move countries he'll always have access to my address in one way or another.

My dad has always taken great pleasure in the fact I can't escape him. It's like I'm a fugitive and he always finds me. As soon as my financial situation changes, I plan to move out of the country.

Good idea. And you don't necessarily need a ton of finances to move countries. I sold my meagre stuffs to buy a one way plane ticket, packed a suitcase, and moved countries with a couple hundred dollars to my name.

Anything is better than that.

I'm glad you escaped. I hope I can do the same one day.

I can understand that... better the devil you know than the devil you don't. And in the past when you tried to get help, it sounds like he attacked you even worse, so getting help must be associated with being traumatized, for you.

You could collect some resources even if you aren't ready to use them yet... I was wondering if you might feel stronger or a little less trapped if you just found the name of (say) a local lawyer who specializes in domestic abuse cases? Or the name of a women's shelter nearby and their number? Just to have them. Like a little something in your arsenal for when the time comes. (A women's shelter would also be the place to go if you have reason to fear him at a specific time... they can keep you safe.)

I also wondered if you could find news stories about abuse charges pressed against parents, or a biography written by someone who faced this kind of abuse and did go through the courts. It might make the unknown a little less scary.

Or, you could start finding out what is involved in getting a work permit in the US or Canada, start thinking about where specifically you might want to move to, and what the plane fares are like. I don't mean to swamp you with suggestions, I was just hoping that taking small steps, investigating options while you are waiting, might be a bit empowering. Like putting together a pathway out, even if you're not ready to take that path yet.

Hope? Of course you can.
All you have to do is realize his power is all psychological and isn't actually real anyway. His power is the power one has over a child who is dependent on him. His power lies in you still feeling like that child.
But you are not. You are an adult with the free will to choose the path you walk. You can choose to be his prisoner walking the path he wishes, or you can choose to walk your own.
Once you realize your own power you will be able to do anything, and all those things that seem to be blocking you from leaving will be no more than dust. You will see that he is no more than a criminal who deserves the contempt of society. He is nothing.
Remember Natascha Duschamp? After ten years of captivity one afternoon she realized she could simply 'walk away.' And she did. And as soon as her captor realized he no longer had power over her he gave up the game. Without her belief that he had control he had none.
Their power is an illusion. The only thing that makes it real is them making you believe that.
The tables can turn in an instant.

Thank you MostlyLurking, all your suggestions are welcome. I need as many options as possible to decide which is best for me. Right now I don't want to talk, but having the names and numbers of people who could help is a good idea. A reminder there is always somewhere to turn. I'm actually going to spend some time looking into that tonight.

I reached out for help and was pubished for my betrayal, for telling people our family business. The idea of asking for help is terrifying. Being here and sharing is my new first step. Talking about it means I can't keep it in anymore. I know my limitations and I'm reaching them. I just need to do it right this time.

Maybe you could talk with your T about how seeking help is associated with being punished and traumatized-- but keep that discussion focused only on the past. It wouldn't require telling her about anything happening currently. But it might make it less terrifying for you if/when you do go forward and it gets reported to the police. I would imagine that you have something like PTSD about reporting things to authorities.

I've spent time thinking about this and how I'd say it and I think I'm part of the way there.

I just wanted to update everyone who left a comment for me. I have gone to the police, both my parents have been arrested, and things are out of my hands.
It's been terrifying and empowering, liberating and devastating; I've never been so tired and drained, but it's done. The police are continuing with their investigation -

{{ Ankh }}.

Wow, that took so much strength to do. I'm sure you're filled with a mix of emotions right now, but you did the right thing. I'm glad the police took you seriously. Have you talked to your T about it?

I did Lonesome, I will update more when I'm a bit more me.

I am so glad to read your update. It must have been an enormously difficult experience but how brave of you. Best wishes going forward.

Wishing you all the best. Take care of yourself. No matter what the outcome, you can be proud of yourself for speaking out.

We are cheering for you here on PC. That must've been a hard thing to do but this is something to be proud of.

I'm sorry to hear about the situation in which you find yourself; especially given it's your dad.

You mentioned that you T has come the conclusion you're dad is a psychopath, right? Based on that alone, I would be willing to bet any amount of money she believes there is something happening in your personal life you're not sharing.

I would encourage you open up to you're T about it. The fact you're in therapy, doing the work, etc. tells me you have the courage to move past your fear and do what is best for you.