Feeling angry and hurt about T's lateness and short sessions

At my last session, the previous client came out of my T’s office about 8 minutes late (my anxiety was going overboard as I hate waiting rooms!) and my T went back into her office and shut the door. Then she came out, went to the bathroom (she doesn’t have to pass the waiting room) and went back to her office to get some keys. She came out to some filing cabinets and told me to go in. So this was quite a while after my session was due to start.

I was already put off as I was so anxious and keyed up after waiting so long, and she didn’t apologise for being so late. So I was already feeling put offside when session began.

I expected her to go overtime, so I had a full session, but she wrapped up a couple of minutes before we were due to finish anyway! Approx 15 mins less than a full session.

I am now feeling terrible as I told her there was something I wanted to talk about that was making me feel unsafe, which I only raised towards the end, when she was beginning to wrap up and asked if there was anything I needed to say, but she said we were out of time. I told her I felt unsafe but she just said, “OK, we will talk about next time, it’s good that you raised it.” I wasn’t planning on making a session next week as I can’t afford it, but I really needed to discuss this issue. When I looked at the clock at the end of our session I was taken aback.

I felt like she couldn’t rush me out soon enough. I still had to pay the full amount. I didn’t even get a full session. I feel disrespected and have very low self-worth. She didn’t even mention the lateness or short session.

Usually I'm her first appointment and we start on time or a couple of minutes late and finish on time. But she has changed her times again recently.

I’m trying to contain my anger. It takes away from the care and support she shows during the session if she acts so carelessly about my time and needs. How do you react when your T is late? Do they apologise? Make up the time? Any advice?

I understand where that would be upsetting. She should have still given you the full 50 minutes.

My T is rarely more than a few minutes late, and she makes up for it. But she never goes over time, except for maybe by 5 minutes or so. There was one time when she was 15 minutes late, and I didn't think she'd made up the full time, and we had a bit of an argument over it.

My marriage counselor, on the other hand, is late more often than he's on time. Sometimes up to 20 minutes or more. But he always makes up the time and sometimes gives us extra time when we need it (especially when we meet before his break, so he doesn't have another client waiting). I think he does the same for other clients, too, so I understand (plus, I tend to run late myself). He used to apologize regularly about it, but I think now that we've been seeing him a while, he probably figures it's just the norm with him, and he always makes sure to keep us the full 45-50 minutes. One time I mentioned something about the time of sessions, and he was like, "I hope I've never shorted you!" So clearly he's paying attention to the start and end times.

I'm so sorry this is happening. That's really unprofessional and rude. Being late is one thing, but not apologizing and not making up the time is really bad. I think you should tell her how this made you feel. My T is almost always late, but she always makes up the time and sometimes even goes over. If I got shorted on time, I would be angry and hurt too. You should get a full session, and if you don't, you shouldn't have to pay the full fee. Again, I really think you should talk to your T about this.

My t has always apologized when she has been late and most always makes up the time. There were a couple of times where she couldn't make up the time so I paid her accordingly.

It's bad enough your t didn't apologize for her being so late. But to not acknowledge the time difference AND to still accept full payment?? That kind of makes her a thief in my book. You have every right to be angry. I hope you can call her out on this BS and get both an apology and credit for your next session.

Most importantly -- is there anything else that can be done to help you feel safe?? Anyone else you can talk to?

You have a right to be angry, and it is understandable that you feel the way you do about it. It is okay to talk to her about this.

Reading this sounds exactly like my ex T. I went through the exact same thing but I wasn't as brave as you to begin with yo voice it. It happened over and over again. I started out getting 60 min but she will say that it's a 50-60 min session. I have seen other go overboard as I sat there for two appointments waiting for My kids T to finish. I finally brought it up because it was getting out of hand and I also felt disrespected and wondering who else she does it to. I saw that she wasn't as lax with others. I finally brought it up and she got defensive and justified how she was right and how she made up the time. I think we as clients will pay more particular attention to detail and look at specific times. I know I was counting down. I know my T did not give me my full time and it seemed as if she was rushing to get the next appointment in. In the four years I was seeing her she didn't go over during my session either. It's awful feeling with these things happen but I would suggest communicating that with her so that it doesn't occur again.

Wow! I would have been very upset too and I probably would have asked to pay a pro-rated amount. Can't believe that she didn't apologize either!

I have a blank slate T which I can't stand as well as there are a couple of other things I don't like, but my T has NEVER been late, never yawned, never typed, never eaten anything, never been distracted in my session etc... I guess that I am so very lucky in that respect. I feel like my time is just as valuable as any Doctor, Lawyer or Therapist that I see because I look at my time as a precious commodity and we all get the same 24 hours in the day.

Thanks everyone here for your responses. It’s comforting to know I’m not just completely overreacting.

I'm so sorry you went through this too, and that your T didn't react well.

I don’t know how to voice it. I guess I will raise it next session. The thing is my feelings are very changeable. And I have severe social anxiety. My T knows I would never dare to confront someone I felt badly treated by. I hate to think that she’s taking advantage of this.

I don’t have anyone else I can talk to or rely on, and I’m still feeling very unsafe. Just taking one minute at a time. I’m too angry and mixed up to call my T. I’m feeling quite sick so just trying to keep away from anything harmful until next week. I could call my GP I guess if it gets worse. Thanks for caring.

Ok. Stay safe, my friend. If you need someone to just listen you can pm me.

She should have apologized to you, sorry this happened. She short changed you as well. My t, has been 3 min, late, but always gave me 55 min, sessions, sometimes depending on the topic the whole hour. Are you going to talk to her.

Does she accept email or can you write it down?

No email, and I feel like writing things down is even more terrifying than saying it. I may just say I'm feeling insecure with the relationship or something. I would probably have a panic attack if I told her about the time thing. I feel like she's really dropped the ball lately and I feel so unsafe.

I get what you mean. Just try your best to get it out there. I know it's tough because I had issues telling my T about the lateness thing. It only sort of came out when I was waiting for her one day for 20 min and then she came to me and asked me if I was planning on doing attending session. I told her then that I was there waiting for her and that I was waiting for 20 min. That never would've come out otherwise eventhough I was feeling it for so long. I also was upset about the no response with emails but I never voiced that. I didn't want to upset my T which is strange when I think that. I have the right to state what I feel like you do as well but I guess I was hoping she would change. Then to sit there and watch the same thing happen over and over again was tough. However I will say that I've was seeing her for many years and once we had that issue with her being late and me getting upset things were never the same. We had maybe three or four session tips after that and there was something there that was different and she acted different as well. So was it better or was it worse to have said something? I think we as clients should be able to voice ourselves without being afraid of what could happen or how things could change. I hope you can get the message across to the best of your ability. That's a hard task to do.

You were treated poorly. I wouldn't feel comfortable calling t either. But I hope you call t or GP or someone before you do anything harmful.

Thanks, I hope I will have the courage to call my GP if necessary. Still taking it minute by minute and trying not to dwell on my last session. Thanks for your validation too

Thank you so much. That was so helpful to read about your own experience. That sounds so hard. I can't imagine what it felt like to hope she would change and never find that she did. Wow. I've been seeing my T for about 3.5 years and I really hope this issue doesn't come between us. That's what I'm scared of, things never being the same. But right now I don't feel secure in the relationship so I guess I have to get the message across somehow. I will tell her I'm feeling weird about it. Thank you again.

Not all Ts are the same or will react the same. Wish you the best with that!!! Let us know how it goes.