[musinglizzy]

I know a lot of you know my story with T1. Every once in awhile, the topic of our rupture about a year and a half ago comes up. It did yesterday. T1 didn't agree with a decision T3 made to take away bodywork temporarily, and she knew it was damaging to me. Well, T1 had done something similar which lead me to a new T to begin with. I'm still not over it, but I'm attached to T1. So she gave me something to think about, and this is it....

think about what you want in our relationship. What would make you feel more secure, and that you are getting what you need?

I HAVE NO IDEA! Consistency. I want consistency. I want T to be the way she used to be with me.... but I don't know. Sounds like this is an invitation for me to tell her, and I can't find any words for it.

[itjustis]

This is a tough question. Most of us here want a lot more than what is ethically correct!
I would love for my T to be my friend...but because it's not allowed I don't bother bringing it up.
I think I might need to soon though because it's starting to eat away at me.

I hope you figure out what you need and how to say it.

[Waterbear]

Consistency has been a big one for me when I think of what I am thankful for in my T.

Authenticity and consistency. Especially consistency. I'm very sensitive to change. Thankfully my T knows this and tries to be completely consistent in every way. Last session he was mad at himself because I arrived at his office door before him. He normally is already sat down when I get there.

[Longingforhome]

Hmm good question. I definitely do not want friendship or anything other than a strictly boundaried professional relationship. I don't want rigid, but I definitely want T to err on the side of formality, even though I am a very casual person everywhere else in my life. I feel
like a bit of a therapy freak, really: while everyone else seems to want more closeness and looser boundaries & more friendliness, I just worked up the courage to talk with T about wanting less. It's too scary for me.

[Teddy:)]

I have had this discussion with my T on numerous occasions and the main role I wish she would fill is that of my mom, but we have talked about how that isn't possible. So i guess I'm looking for her to be:
- Trustworthy
- Open
- Honest
- Accepting
- Consistent
-Present

But I think most importantly I think I want her to be different then others and show and teach me what healthy relationships look like

[ThisWayOut]

Hmm, another really good question.
I think I want t to be accepting, reliable, consistent, trustworthy, able to help me challenge things that are troubling, professionally available, open to new ideas, respectful.(of me, of where I'm at in the moment, what I ask, what I bring, personal space, etc), genuine, will listen and allow me to feel heard, maintain the boundaries I ask for and she feels comfortable with, tolerate me while I learn things I should have learned decades ago, and a gentle nudge away from t once I no longer need it as much... Pretty much the way things are going in t with this t at the moment. I guess the only other thing I would want from t is help in building additional (therapeutic) supports when things get scary on my end. I know t is not perfect, and I don't expect it to be, but I'm mostly comfortable with how we work.

[HAL_9000]

Intimacy and sex.

[TishaBuv]

Someone to help me get my life back on track and keep it there.

I just have always required a therapist who is professional and skilled, personable and straight-forward. Beyond that, I don't require much. I don't want or expect my therapist to be my friend. I don't want or require much out-of-session contact. I don't tend to feel insecure about my therapist relationship, so as long as we are clicking and I'm finding sessions insightful and helpful, I'm good with that.

[stopdog]

I want them to stay back and not go on at me about them thinking they have a relationship with me. I don't want them trying to be funny, all careish/empathic ********, cool or thinking they are teachers.

I want to know my therapist sees me and genuinely cares about me.

I want her to be a stable person with whom I can discuss anything without fear of judgment or offending.

[therapyishelping777]

I guess I can say I want everything my therapist is.. Focused , intelligent, good boundaries and ethics, remembers what I tell him, suprisingly good. Funny, cool, good teacher, asks right questions, but knows when not to. I feel safe!!

All I know is that I need a therapist who can support me and won't work against me trying to break down my defences.
I want a to respect me and to respect where I am at and not to try and push me beyond my limits and so far that I break.

[rainbow8]

This is difficult to answer because what I think I want and what I need are different. I want my T to always be there for me and to let me email as much as I want, and I want her to always reply back. I want her to be my friend. I want her to tell me about her life more than she does. I want a reciprocal relationship with her.

What I need is what she gives me--her professional, caring self. She is genuine and down-to-Earth. She is honest. She makes it easy to confide in her. She goes the extra mile for me. The bottom line is she does give me what I want and need because she genuinely cares about me and expresses her caring directly. Within the therapeutic boundaries, she gives me unconditional love.

[musinglizzy]

It's insane how shameful it can feel just thinking about what you want and/or need. I've really been thinking about this and just can't put words to it. I see T1 on Monday.... if just thinking about it is going to continue to be this difficult, I may just not address the question again. But I know I HAVE to.

what do I want that I don't have? I think our relationship and her methds work very well for me; but, she eats throughout our sessions. I would even be prepared to start my session late if it meant her taking 10 minutes to have her lunch.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

what do I want that I don't have? I think our relationship and her methds work very well for me; but, she eats throughout our sessions. I would even be prepared to start my session late if it meant her taking 10 minutes to have her lunch.

I agree about the eating. What is it about your relationship and her methods that you like?

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

think about what you want in our relationship. What would make you feel more secure, and that you are getting what you need?

If the question is more about feeling secure in the relationship, is it possible for you to do after so much trust has been lost? I mean, this might have been a great question for her to ask when you had your big rupture, when she did not want to talk about it.

I guess I see trust as fundamental to this kind of arrangement with a therapist, and it can take a long time to build--years even--and does not happen with shortcuts she took with you early on and then stopped (the cooing and holding and the love bombing--which is very different than the somatic therapy you are getting from the other therapist).

I feel growing and greater trust now, at almost 2 years, and I think a good part of that is due to being treated like a human being, not a mental health patient, and being accepted for who I am, as I am, without talk about behaviors and other clinical and dehumanizing techniques. So that's what I would say I want from the relationship, is to not feel worse about myself than I already do.

There is more, regarding what therapy itself looks like, but this is what I would want from the relationship part--to be able to share what's going on with me and not be made to feel like a creep, to feel like a human being to another human being.

A theraputic relationship.

Originally I decided to try therapy to learn more about myself and to get feedback on my thinking, emotional and behavioral patterns. I also expected to learn more efficient coping methods for some specific issues that are challenging for me. Help from the therapist to resolve my issues.

My experience has been that I hardly ever make brand new discoveries about myself using direct insight from the therapist but often the things we discuss or I experience during the process help validate or adjust my own perceptions. I also find the routine of going to the same place being met with the same interest from my current therapist helpful due to the consistency in it (it was not the case with my former T, he had a very messy style and it stressed me out a lot).

So I guess I am not so much finding in therapy what I originally wanted but perhaps it is also not what I need. What I want now is the consistent and relatively predictable interest and open mind from the therapist (my current T provides these) to be able to discuss things that I don't with other people or not in the same way. I also want the T to remain relaxed and open but firmly professional. I don't want him to serve some kind of authority or substitute figure, for me therapists can only play a unique role that do not replace other people or can be provided in everyday relationships that are more complex.

[Bipolarchic14]

I would want someone who is real with me

compassion
consistency
honesty
not afraid to be real with me even if it hurts my feelings )I'll get over it)
dont treat me like i am fragile

[1stepatatime]

I want the relationship to have realistic boundaries, and I want my therapist to TELL me when I ask.. not to tell me to KNOW based on our experiences