[runlola72]

I feel like I've been posting a lot. Sorry... Just a mess lately.
My session today was terrible. I feel like I just stared at a spot on the rug for an hour and barely spoke, never looked up. T spent the session going over emails I had sent him over the week,one of which included a list of questions. He went through them one by one, slowly. The second question was if he felt concern/worry for me during the week, or if it was "out of sight out of mind". He said that he doesn't worry about me, he worries about clients who are suicidal or relapsing, and that he does a quick review of his patients before he sees them that day, and I might pop into his head if I send him an email. But that other than that, no, he does not think of me. I feel like I wasn't present after that, I just felt numb.

He knows my issues with having been abandoned as a young child by my father and brothers, and how I grew up basically feeling very unloved by my father who rarely contacted me and didn't seem to really care one way or another about me. I thought T might throw me a bone and tell me that he felt concern and that of course I pop into his head. But apparently only in a brief weekly review of who he is to see that day. I left 5 min early, and we both felt awkward because I wasn't talking, just staring and frozen and numb.

Just before I was about to leave he offered that I could come twice a week if I wanted, and I said I can't afford it (thinking that would get me out of it) but then he said "what if finances weren't an issue?" And outlined a plan whereby I pay for my copay for weekly session 1, and we keep tabs on weekly session 2, until some time down the road when I graduate and am working I can repay him, interest free. And if I don't get a job, the fee is written off, which to me seems quite generous. I want to believe he made the offer because he cares, but maybe he doesn't want to lose a client? I know his schedule isn't always packed lately.

Honestly, a month ago I would have jumped at his offer, but my attachment has gotten so weird and painful lately, and especially after today. Like, why would I want an extra session with someone who doesn't even say he's concerned about me. I desperately want him to be concerned. I know love is out of the question but is concern too much to ask for? Why can't he say he cares for me? I'm so so heartbroken. I know I have major "daddy" issues, so maybe picking a male therapist was a bad idea.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[junkDNA]

attachment can be very painful. i struggle with mine sometimes. it can get really intense. im sorry runlola

[wheeler]

Can you talk about his response with him? How it made you feel? Just because he's a T it doesn't make him a great communicator. Maybe he doesn't realize how much of a crappy response it was, because it was definitely crappy.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by wheeler

Can you talk about his response with him? How it made you feel? Just because he's a T it doesn't make him a great communicator. Maybe he doesn't realize how much of a crappy response it was, because it was definitely crappy.

Agreed. Maybe he was mostly focusing on the "worry" part of your question? Like he read it as "Are you worried about me?" rather than "Do you think about me?" or "Do you care about me?" He could care about you very much without necessarily thinking of you that often. (Or without necessarily telling you that he thinks about you.) I would definitely talk to him about what he said and how it made you feel. I've had some misunderstandings with both my T and marriage counselor recently (and in the past), a few times feeling really hurt by something they said, and talking with them really helped. Even though I had been tempted to run away.

And I think the fact that he's willing to make it work financially for you to see him twice a week shows that he cares...that it's not just about the job or the money.

Save

Perhaps sending him emails isn't a good idea? That would leave full time during your session to conduct the visit.

[Argonautomobile]

I'm sorry your session didn't go well, Runlola. I agree with the other posters that it would be nice to talk about his response more next time. Just because he doesn't worry doesn't mean he doesn't care. I think the offer to see you twice a week is very generous. I can only see my T once a month.

Good luck with everything.

I'm so sorry runlola

I've gone through what you are describing. At times I view therapy as one LONG grieving process. Grieving the loss of the caring parents I never had growing up. Grieving that my therapist can't be what I want her to be. Just painful, awful grieving that lasts a long time.

The best thing you can do is talk about it. Reality often hurts but breaking the illusions is an important part of the process. Then, you can accept what the therapist can offer and figure out what to do with the emptiness.

I agree that the key to your questions was "concern/worry" and he gave you an answer based on your question. His answer might have been different if you had asked "Do I ever pop into your mind during the week?" My own kids pop into my mind occasionally during the day (not really all that often), but I don't spend any time worrying about them unless, like you T said with clients who are in danger, something very particular is going on that warrants my being worried about them. The fact that I don't spend time worrying about them is no indication about how much I care about them though.

Sorry you are feeling badly.

[SoConfused623]

Lola, so sorry to hear about all of this! I know that I would be devastated if my T said that she never thinks of me! I do agree with the others that there's a difference between caring and worrying and he obviously cares about you or he would not have made that super generous offer! Also, if he didn't like working with you, he wouldn't suggest increasing the amount of sessions, he'd be trying to spread them out a little more.

The only other thing that I can think of is that he knows that you're concerned over your attachment to him so maybe he is trying to model to you behavior that would indicate a lack of attachment such as saying that he doesn't think of you. Either way, it's extremely hurtful and I really think that he needs to further explain and apologize in your next session.

((((((((LOLA)))))))))

Eeek. A T that can't hold a Client in mind between sessions. Isn't the sort of T couldn't be of help to me.

[CantExplain]

I think the big thing is that T was being honest with you. I'm sure he knew that his answer wasn't what you wanted to hear.

Perhaps the question you really wanted to ask was, "Am I important to you?" Could you ask him that?

Ts generally answer exactly the question you ask, and never volunteer any extra information. It's one of their more annoying habits.

[nicoleflynn]

It is usual/normal to become attached to a t, or anyone who validates yu. I never knew my father, met him when I was 30. Therapy is the hardest work you will ever do, but the most important.

Originally Posted by _Mouse

Eeek. A T that can't hold a Client in mind between sessions. Isn't the sort of T couldn't be of help to me.

That's not at all what the OP asked, nor is it what the T answered.

Lola, I know this is very hard for you and I relate to some of your posts, especially the thing about emails (I read your other thread on this). The compulsion wanting to tell the T all your secrets and wanting him to think/feel about them as deeply as you do. Of course it feels hurtful when he expresses it might not be the case, at least not outside of sessions. However strong these feelings can be, I am with CantExplain that your T was probably honest with you or at least tried to provide a healthy reaction, and in the grander scheme of things this may be better than any momentary validation and reciprocation because it's realistic.

When I get caught up in the feelings that I would want my therapist to engage with me more than what is realistic in the context of therapy, I like to use my own professional life to remind how it might be for the T to work with clients. I am not a T but supervise many people's work and collaborate with even more. And this often involves developing sympathy and close alliances with some that can go beyond the scope of the work, but I do try to make an effort to make it even and not to discriminate much. There are often students, for example, who contact me all the time not only with work-related matters. So how do I feel about these people? How much time do I spend thinking about them when we are not interacting? It varies... but the truth is, when I am mentally in a good place myself, I don't carry around my work relationships in mind very often, part of the reason being is because there are so many and I need to prioritize based on many factors, including urgency and what is most critical at a given moment in an objective sense (eg. deadlines, or when something goes seriously wrong). So in this context, your T's response very much reflects how I feel and deal with my work as well, and I like to use this when I get carried away and desire more from my T than what is realistic and balanced given the nature of the relationship.

Like others said, it is quite obvious that your T cares since he generously offered you what he is able to do within his role, offered you more of his time and attention in sessions. You don't feel like taking his offer because you may want something he is not able to provide, and I think it is perfectly fine to desire that and discuss it but, once again, the reality is that we need to accept one way or another that it is a fantasy. I remember reading your story about your former T who had really sloppy boundaries, and how that hurt you as well... now here is someone who seems more solid and professional in that department. I know it is a difficult but for me in the longer run, a T with solid, stable boundaries, without cultivating illusions, but with a willingness to give me more of his attention as a therapist if I wanted to has been a godsend in helping me to have more realistic expectations and more balanced ways of relating. It takes a while and hard work but I think it's absolutely worth it.

[runlola72]

Thank you all so much for your supportive words. I feel so emotionally exhausted but am starting to feel like maybe this is a good thing. Maybe it means I can move past all the transference stuff faster and get on with grieving what I missed growing up. I'm still not sure I will take him up on the generous offer he made. I'll be eyeball deep in student loans when I graduate so not sure I want to owe even more. I don't know though. I'm going to ask him what the point would be of seeing him twice a week?

I have written him some crazy emails in the last few days. Like everything from weepy to super snarky to angry. I feel like my little parts are engaging in mutiny and my adult self is bound and gagged below deck. :/

Going to try to start doing some nice things for myself, like working out, and possibly start meditation/yoga again.

Many thanks for the supportive words. I can't tell you how much this site helps me...

[Sarmas]

Sorry to hear hat. I would probably respond the same way. It's great that he's being honest but it's difficult to swallow.