Triggered by something T said

Last week my T said something that triggered me. After the session I had huge and horrible feelings of shame. We talked about it today. I know that the reason I was triggered was because of my childhood and we talked about the feelings and about the root of the shame. Now I'm reflecting on the session I feel that I really wanted more from my T. I wanted my T to express sorrow about what happened. Perhaps even horror that my session with her could have brought up these feelings that I've had to sit with and nurse for a week. Maybe I want her to feel that with hindsight she made a bit of a mistake and to tell me that she felt that. I don't know if that sounds like I'm wanting to blame her for what happened. I don't really think I mean to blame her.

Has anything like this happened to any of you - and how did you deal with it? Did your T handle it differently to mine?

Yes it's happened loads. But that's what therapys for.

To re-experience painful feelings and work with them.

Experiencing difficult emotions and working with them.....with a different outcome this time round. If you don't feel like you are getting a different outcome you might want to talk about it more.

How did your T react to you being triggered? Did she express any emotion?

The first one would be useless and deny anything happened. The second one would apologize

Why would she?
No one knows what our triggers are. Unless it's a deliberate attack, they haven't done anything. They remain professionally interested.

Yes that's true. I guess she didn't know it would be a trigger, and I wasn't able to say anything at the time because I didn't know how I felt till after. But still I want her to DO and SAY something.

Thanks, that's helpful to think about it like that.

Like what? I think this is worth talking about. It will give you more insight.

Perhaps I wanted her to look at me with a look that I've seen on her face before, which was really expressive of emotion. Now I see that I also needed to express all my feelings more to her. I think we/ she skipped too quickly to discussing the origin of my feelings.

Thanks for asking these questions mouse, you're right it is giving me insight.

This is a slow, hard, painful lesson to learn and implement. I often want my T to be a certain way with me but I forget that she responds to me. I have to do or say something that would elicit the deaired response. Manipulative?? I don't know, it feels it, but that is what emotions are for i think, naturally. It is just that to people who struggle with emotions it doesn't feel bloody natural at all. It feels crazy!! So if I want her to comfort me I have to show her or tell her I am sad, or just explain that I don't know how I feel except that I feel like I want comforting. If I show her and tell her that I am OK, she responds in a way that is appropriate to that. As I said, it is all a bit crazy making to me but that is why I am glad I have a T who us aware that it is hard work for me and who is so patient and consistent.

I've had to learn to be very direct about what I want or need. If I want reassurance, I have to ask for reassurance. If I want comfort, I ask for comfort.

One good example is that my T tends to ignore the negatives in my emails and focuses on the positives. Few weeks ago, I emailed that I missed her. I knew there would be a good chance she would ignore it, so I specifically asked her to address that I missed her. She did.

It can be hard sometimes asking for what you need. Maybe you don't know what you need? Maybe you're too caught up in the emotions?

The best thing to do is to talk about it with your T. Talk about what you need when you feel different feelings. What you need when something triggers you, when you talk about xyz, etc. Be specific. Maybe she doesn't know what comforting looks like for you? Or reassurance?

I had a problem with my T when we first started. She didn't show concern on her face. In fact, her facial emotions pretty much stay the same. She told me she could concentrate on her facial emotions when I talked about different stuff, or she could give 100% of her attention to me. I chose 100% attention, but she worked on using more comforting words with me. Even with emails, I had to "train" her on how a supportive email would be to me.

And sometimes, Ts just miss things. They're not perfect. And they're not mind readers. So we have to tell them. And if we want something we have to ask. It's not only necessary for a good therapeutic relationship, but good real life relationships.

Would like to see evidence that re-experiencing painful feelings, in therapy or otherwise, is healthy. If something happens in therapy that causes significant shame or distress, that should be considered a psychological injury like any other, and could be destructive when seen in absolute terms. The assumption that this is necessary or beneficial is therapy marketing more than reality, as I see it.

I completely agree. Makes me sad that people really believe this and end up being hurt worse many times.

Your T sounds great, she seems so ready to listen and adapt.

Thanks for that. I think one of my problems is I don't know what I need at the time. My natural response is to keep my emotions hidden, even from myself.

I've questioned this myself. But I have accepted that re-experiencing emotions can be helpful. I think that we re-experience these emotions in our everyday life anyway and that they impact our relationships. I think that with a lousy therapist this is retraumatising, but with a good therapist it is healing.

I get what you wanted brown owl. Unless anyone is in the room with you. We cannot tell whether T is still acting as a container, or whether she's just cold man! Only you can answer that.
I wrote a post a few weeks back where I talked of expecting something from T, like you, but as the session sank in, I'd realised T acted as a container, and not a rescuer which enabled me to take another step forward.
As I say, no one can say whether your T is doing it right or not.

I'm not sure I really know being a container actually means - does it mean sitting with you alongside your emotions? I suppose that sounds ok but I also want her to comfort me. I've been comforting myself for all these years.