[stopdog]

What sorts of things do you find it reasonable to ask/demand of a therapist?
I, for example, don't want the therapist to touch me, get close to me, or talk most of the time. I told her about it and the woman agreed. I would not expect a therapist to go to much if any trouble to keep me as a client. I don't think most of them think they need to do so. For me, I would see it as my job to find another therapist rather than their job to go out and get something I thought they needed.
It is coming up on another thread and so as not to keep hijacking it - I thought I would make another thread.
This is not to tell others they are wrong or right - just how do you see it for yourself.

[atisketatasket]

Not to screw up their job. That is a low bar.

The only thing I've ever asked one to do outside of that was speak with one of my doctors. In the event, the doctor blew her off, so it didn't happen.

That said, the ones I run into seem to want to do what I would regard as more than their job (hugging, emailing, offering to visit me in the hospital, etc.). These are not things I ask for and I don't think I would.

Eta: so upon reflection, it seems that they think more things are reasonable to ask for than I do.

[growlycat]

It is reasonable to ask anything but it is reasonable for them to refuse certain things (hugs or extended out of session contact).

There are those things that I feel they need to do if I ask like apologize/take responsibility when they screw up. I will have to think of this more but I'm finding that not blaming the patient for everything is important to me.

[Sarmas]

Ive never asked much from my T and I've never verbalized what I wanted. My expectations were for her to be honest, conscientious, empathetic, respectful, and to be non-judgmental. Other than that I really had no other requests.

I'm not sure the context of this particular question, but I am assuming this isn't about what is of course assumed in basic professionalism -- I take those things as a given (or I wouldn't see that particular therapist). So I am assuming this is about asking/demanding something of an already ethical therapist who hasn't done anything that would involve a matter of legal ethics.

I don't know that I'm one to ever "demand" anything of others; the use of that word rubs me the wrong way. I just don't do that to people. If there is something I need from a therapist that they aren't already providing, I talk to them about it. We have a discussion, and they have the right to say no. I don't expect that my therapist can necessarily meet all of my needs, nor do I think he is required to.

I've never really been in the position where I needed to do this quite honestly. My therapists were willing and able to provide what was needed; however, I would imagine that if it was something vital to my therapy that my therapist couldn't or wouldn't provide, I would have to decide if I could live without or if I would need to move on to a different therapist.

Interesting question. For me, I think it is reasonable for a client to ask anything that is not harmful on anyone (although the nature of what is or can be harmful can get ambiguous easily) and that can be realistically provided given the general profile, structure and limitations of therapy. I would think it perfectly fair to ask a T not to do things like touch, outside contact, even talking if that's what the client wants. And I also think it is fair to ask him to do things that can be done ethically in a session. But it is also fair on the therapist's end to refuse things they disagree with.

I am interested in this because just recently, I asked my therapist to provide more direct and thorough feedback on how he experiences me and what sorts of things he thinks I could work on in addition to my own goals. He was not enthusiastic about this request at all and sounded less confident than usually, but did not refuse it either and came up with one interesting observation so far that I find useful. Just said it is not how he usually works but he is open to trying unusual things.

My first therapist (a psychoanalyst) kept his interactions to minimum initially and I did not like that, so I asked him to engage more and make the sessions more like a conversation with me. He did that for me. I also asked him to discuss with me openly his feelings and behaviors when we kept running into increasingly ugly conflicts -- that request was refused multiple times.

I definitely think it is reasonable to ask them to take responsibility for their attitudes, behavior, mistakes. I also think it is fair to ask them not to place me into a box of their conceptional liking and jump to simplistic conclusions without being open to discussing it with me, but I think this can get refused by some that are very married to specific theories or modalities. In general, I think it is reasonable to ask not to force anything on me.

[BayBrony]

I think its OK to ask for anything ( barring unethical/illegal stuff). And it's up to the T to decide what they will or won't do.
If my T says she won't do something there is not much to do except drop it and decide if I can deal with her choice. She doesn't make those decisions lightly and stands by them.
I am fortunate that my T really never refuses me anything I ask for. We are very attuned to each other.

I did invite her to my wedding reception this month and really want her to come.she hasn't decided yet. She says she needs to think hard about how it might impact me and our relationship. I was upset at first, but eventually decided I'd have to trust to her experience and accept that she may see potential pitfalls I am blind too. It will be hard if she decides not to come, but I fundamentally believe she is doing what she thinks is best for me and out relationship

[here today]

I did think it "should" be a therapist's job to help find me a likely referral if she couldn't help. Like a doctor. Why did/do I view it like that? Because I wasn't functioning well and did not feel competent to know how to look for and find a therapist who was likely to be competent in treating me, for conditions which I could not fully describe and, as it turned out, didn't fully know that I had.

Of course the description and labeling of psychological conditions is somewhat problematic but the fact that I was not functioning well despite my best efforts (alone) was pretty clear to anybody that looked at my situation.

[awkwardlyyours]

I find it entirely reasonable to ask, nay demand even, that my therapist function as a cross between Jeeves and Yoda (tending more towards Jeeves for now since I urgently need to get my act together when it comes to laundry + waking up in time and it would be terribly pleasant to have all that happen with a healthy dose of well, Jeeves' unflappable humor).

Sadly, none of the Ts I've met appear to be inclined to meet my demands or even seem qualified to do so. And, worse still, refuse to take any measures to remedy their shortcomings.

Oh well.....the search shall go on for a T that can meet these entirely reasonable demands of mine.

[stopdog]

The idea came up in another thread when a poster said they demanded the therapist they see get training in a certain area and the therapist declined to do so.
I started wondering what sorts of things others thought of in that manner, if any.

[unaluna]

Oh yeah - i told my male t he was not allowed to get all male defensive like they do? There should be a word for it like mansplaining. My reasoning was, i was sooooo in love with him, that i couldnt possibly be really criticizing him, or be gasp wrong even if i was hurting his feelings, so he should just listen to what i was saying and be grateful for my honesty.

Im hoping hillary will make that a new presidential decree. like in general.

[Lauliza]

I think it's reasonable to demand that a therapist be ethical and do their job the best that they can. They should be expected to have fulfilled the requirements of their degree and license(s), obviously. Training beyond that is up to the T to decide. Other than that I can't think of anything I would "demand" from a T.

[ilikecats]

I agree with other posters that it's reasonable to ask for anything, but it's also reasonable for the T to say no. One thing that I personally wouldn't feel comfortable asking because I feel like it would be too much, is that my T learns about something new just for me. While I still think this is a reasonable thing to request, I don't feel comfortable doing it myself. I just feel like it's too much to ask of my T. She already does so much for me, so for me to ask her to do more just feels like I'd be asking for too much.

[therapyishelping777]

Be honest, ethical, reliable, have good boundaries and want the best for the patient.

[ruh roh]

I think it's reasonable to ask a therapist to be informed on an issue a client is dealing with, or to want them to be better informed about it. I think it shows that a therapist wants to be helpful and isn't being arrogant, thinking they don't need to gain more information. My therapist has done this for clients early in her career and it's benefited me as a result. Even with things that aren't directly related to psychology, she brings herself up to speed if it's something I struggle with. Maybe she is extraordinary in this way, but I would hope it's not rare for a therapist to want to keep learning and understanding about issues that affect their clients' lives.

I pretty much decided yesterday that it is reasonable for me to demand that she stop pushing me about the need for me to make more money. I think I put the kibosh on that one. Probably I should have been a little more diplomatic along those lines, but... then again, that's what I pay her for, so I don't have to be diplomatic. Right?

[bounceback]

I think it is okay to ask therapists for something but they have the right to say no. I also think you can't expect a therapist to have training or experience in every issue. I have things that happened in my life that I know none of my therapists could relate to but I didn't demand that they get training. It would have been nice if they understood exactly how I was feeling but that isn't the real world. If I wanted someone to specialize in that area it would be my job to find one that does. The only thing I expect of my therapist is to show up on time and let me know when they can't, be attentive, offer support, feedback, and help if warranted, be professional, and be nonjudgmental.

[kecanoe]

I asked t1 to read and go thru a book with me when I was first diagnosed (by someone else). I bought two copies of the book. It was new info for him. He agreed and we did it in session. I think that was reasonable because I think it is fine for me to set the agenda for a sessions when I want to. I would not edema do that he read it on his own time (although he did)

I have asked for clarification about texting boundaries about a million times, and I think it is fair to demand clarity about that or other boundary stuff.

[growlycat]

In the other thread that person has the right to drop a therapist who shows no interest in growth or learning more about a patient's perspective. It seems hostile or lazy of that therapist to refuse. The have the right to refuse but n that instance I think the patient needs to find a better t.

[stopdog]

I think a client always has a right to drop a therapist. For any reason or none and at any time.

[Electric76]

I ask very very little of my therapist. The most I have asked is for her to stop asking if I want tea or water and know I will always want water. I would love to grab it myself but she has to get it from another room which is another layer of awkwardness. She now has a glass waiting for me before every session which makes me feel bad in a different way lol! Its a longer story than this, but yes I did bring my own water for 2-3 sessions until we talked about the water situation LOL!

[Waterbear]

For me it is reasonable to demand that the T is:
On time for the vast majority of sessions.
Consistent about providing full sessions.
Patient and non judgemental.
Kind and considerate.
Professional, consistent and reliable.
Able to try to see things from your point of view.
Able to admit to their part in any 'ruptures'.

It is reasonable to ask an awful lot more of a T but they do not have to provide it and then it is up to the client to see if they wish to continue the professional relationship.
I have asked my T to see me twice a week, to allow me to contact her out of session, to sit close by me, to hold me, to play kids games with me, to colour in with me, to look after my rock and my bear for me, to hokd my hand, to tell me basic things about herself such as her age and favourite colour, clarify what of my list of things would and would not be OK between us, to give me her professional opinion on something that may be going on for me and more I am sure.

I am very grateful that she has met me on every one of these things that I ask of her and has said a few tines that nothing that I have brought so far is unmanageable. There may be a time but like Bay said, when and if that time does come I will look back and see that she has done everything that she feels is OK for us, that is good for me and this will make it much easier to see clearly the reasons for her not being able to meet what I ask for.

I am also lucky that I have never had to demand anything from her because she has provided all of the basics of being a T without prompt from me. This took me a while to be sure of and sometimes I still wobble but we are pretty much there.

[SheHulk07]

I expect my Ts to be honest with me and be respectful. But I've never asked for those, just an expectation that I have working with any professional. I have asked T1 to contact my doctos for me as part of ongoing care so that they don't freak out when I see them. He was great about that when I asked him if he could do it. I think he's talked to quite a few of my doctor's on a few occasions.

[itisnt]

Personally, I've never felt the need to demand anything of a therapist, but I have made requests of my T. For example, I have asked a previous T to read a clinical book that I found really resonated with me and I wanted to discuss it. She was happy to do so and we had some great sessions discussing the book and how I felt it related to my issues. If she had refused, I don't think I would have quit, because I found her helpful in a lot of areas and I felt she had excellent therapeutic skills.

In regard to the issue that prompted this thread, I think it is perfectly reasonable for an individual to ask their T to take a course or get training in a specific area related to the client's concern or to get supervision or consultation from a T who specializes in the area the client wants the T to be more proficient in. If the T refused or treated the request in cavalier attitude or claimed to "know everything there was to know about the subject" when he/she obviously didn't, I'd be out the door in a NY minute. But that's me. I don't consider myself as ever being seriously attached or connected in an intense way with any T I've ever hired. I liked the ones I saw and got a lot of my time with them, but when I felt that we were done, I left. I do understand that many people feel intense attachment to their Ts and even though they might be disappointed or hurt by their behavior, it's hard for them to move on. That gums up the works.

[UglyDucky]

Originally Posted by stopdog

What sorts of things do you find it reasonable to ask/demand of a therapist?
I, for example, don't want the therapist to touch me, get close to me, or talk most of the time. I told her about it and the woman agreed. I would not expect a therapist to go to much if any trouble to keep me as a client. I don't think most of them think they need to do so. For me, I would see it as my job to find another therapist rather than their job to go out and get something I thought they needed.
It is coming up on another thread and so as not to keep hijacking it - I thought I would make another thread.
This is not to tell others they are wrong or right - just how do you see it for yourself.

My T probably gives more than I would ask for, like contact out of session. No physical contact in sessions, but I wouldn't want that, I don't think. However, I find this an interesting question because I think I would ask my T for certain things depending on how I feel. Now, for example, I'm in a bad place and feel vulnerable, so I want my T to demonstrate via conversation that they're with me...they "get" it; I want to feel they feel what I feel (though that may be too much to ask). When I'm not so depressed and dealing with simple day to day living issues, I want my T to give me more practical conversation/suggestions.

These things should go with just being a good T, but lately I've not felt my T was willing to demonstrate s/he "gets" me. It's becoming a problem and may end in a rupture, but sometimes clients might need to ask specifically for more emotional investment from the T.