First session back with t

She has been away training so I haven't seen her after our rupture. T did not bring up my text about wanting to email her and I was great-full for this.
I began by telling t about this woman I am watching online who does workshops on trauma and attachment. She asked what I liked about her, I said j liked that she took into account the clients attachment style and her own attachment style and worked with the relationship and the dynamics within the relationship.
T said isn't that what we do? I said no because attachment is never considered, she said yes you have an insecure attachment but how can that change anything unless you have the awareness of what is happening in the relationship between us. I kinda agreed with her. I told her that sometimes I feel unsafe with her and I feel judged, shamed and criticised. She asked was it what she said or how she said it and I said both really. She asked if I could tell her when that happens in future I said I couldn't because I feel like I can't talk.
Then t blew me away because she said Mona you have had so much trauma in your life, everything feels unsafe. I see you freezing up in session and I feel so powerless because I know I can't reach you and it frustrates me. She said she was sorry because she has been letting her frustration interfere.
T said she really cares and cares too much because she tries so hard to get me out of my shutdown and nothing works. I said I could really see that she cares and then t touched her heart and cried.
T was very soft today and gentle, this is the t I love and have missed. I told t that it is very hard for me to talk about abuse and my mother, she said maybe her pacing had been off. She feels she ripped the lid off instead of peeping inside first. T asked me to tell her when I feel myself slipping away, I think I can do this but sometimes it happens so fast that it's too late to stop it. I felt today was a good session and it's the first time t has really acknowledged how traumatic my life has been.

It sounds good!

Sounds like a good session. I'm glad it went well!

Trauma is so difficult to deal with. It sounds good that she has acknowledged how traumatic your life has been. You don't rip the lid off a can of worms , it has to be opened slowly and carefully , and can be explosive sometimes. Is she listening to you now ?

I'm glad you had a good session! I understand that it would be hard to tell T when you feel she is being critical, shaming and judgmental in the moment. Would you be able to tell her when she is helpful?

"Then t blew me away because she said Mona you have had so much trauma in your life, everything feels unsafe. I see you freezing up in session and I feel so powerless because I know I can't reach you and it frustrates me. She said she was sorry because she has been letting her frustration interfere.
T said she really cares and cares too much because she tries so hard to get me out of my shutdown and nothing works. I said I could really see that she cares and then t touched her heart and cried.
T was very soft today and gentle, this is the t I love and have missed."

I hate to be the bringer of caution. But reading your post I was reminded of when I told T1 I never wanted to see him again and the next session he cried.
I was always very touched and moved by that session, but it's only since he contacted me this time that I've looked at it through more cynical eyes. I see it as potentially manipulative now. The pattern of dysfunctional therapy continued after that session.
I really hope your T has figured out the error of her ways Mona because you deserve functional therapy. I'm sorry but I remain skeptical.

The thing about abusive people - they are not always abusive. They can be charming and lovely. Cry and apologize and excuse. That doesn't mean they have chhanged in any way. Approach with extreme caution.

Thank you rainbow, it was good


Thanks Annie
It felt like she went to either supervision or her colleagues and they told her to treat me differently and reminded her of how people freeze and dissociate when traumatised. She listened to me yesterday and in future I can't tell but she is willing to keep trying to work this out with me.
My t has training in trauma with Babette Rothschild but sometimes she doesn't use her training, which is a shame because I would probably feel safer with her.

I believe I do that with her, I tell her what is useful and when she tries something new I tell her I am not interested. Like on our first session and she wanted me to stand up so she could show me what I let other people do, push me around. I told her that she was too close and it made me uncomfortable. She never came near me again.

Secretly I share your cynicism because leopards don't change their spots that easily. It was like she came in yesterday with a whole new model of approach and it worked very well because there was empathy and validation which I really need. I don't feel entirely safe with her because she was obviously told to try this new approach by someone which means she was discussing me and also the fact that she would have continued like this if I hadn't have spoke up and had our rupture which is really scary to me. So I am weary too Echos. It was nice but how long will it last?
I hear you Jane, I really do. I think I nor that this is dangerous but I am willing to try. They say people who have had trauma will keep doing the same things over and over well I feel like this right now !!

I'm nearly jumping up and down that I would love to do therapy with someone who trained with Babette Rothschild - but she does have to use it ! I really feel this is out of your T's reach and spending time trying to repair ruptures instead of working on trauma , I would not carry on if this was my T. But I know the difficulty , I was trying to ignore the warning signs that someone was becoming controlling and abusive but going " But there were better times ! " I left in the end. I'm sceptical but you have my best wishes as always.

Thank you Out There. We have done some very good work together despite the ruptures. My ts life has been very very traumatic, I wonder if this gets in the way sometimes. She has some really good qualities. Thank you for your best wishes, I am glad that you left that abusive situation, the thing with trauma is you forget that there are choices.