Couch 124 - Discussions & more!

Hubby and son just left to go watch a basketball game. I'm gonna watch Ghost Whisperer (I think there's still one more episode on today) while folding laundry. I love that show! And I get the big tv since they are gone! I'll probably drum a little bit too.

Oh and I just ran across this little factoid "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". I wonder if that's true.

Or its compounds (undreamt-of wealth etc.), yes.

Got a text from T1 that he needed to reschedule because his brother died. And my first response was "poor t1 rather than any sort of "what about me?" That is progress.

I just ate my first non-chocolate-peanut-butter food item in several days (skillet chicken with pasta and spinach). Real food tastes so good!

And I want to thank the Couch for its support the last few days. I have a feeling based on how ex-psychiatrist is behaving that I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm definitely on the mend.

My t generally always has the right thing to say.. His email ended with he is still here for a support for me, stay strong, and I am doing a good job. It's the perfect response to my email.. But it makes me think it's too perfect. That is so stupid I know. I want t's support, I get it and then I am suspicious of it. Stupid me!

I can relate healed. Despite a rocky start new t Kashi has stepped up. His extra care and giving me all this extra time which I like but did not request makes me feel uneasy. I should just feel good that he likes me so much right??

has anybody used a natural henna hair dye and know a good (and affordable) one? my h is hinting around strongly again that i should dye my hair, he hates that it's going gray, i cannot get him to accept it... i thought i had quashed that subject but dang it, he's on it again. i refuse to use the chemical ones, but am thinking about maybe possibly trying henna...

although the feminist buried deep within me will likely rise up and mutiny if i do it...!

You could rebel by dying your hair a fun color. Was it glen close who dyed her gray hair candy floss pink? I thought it looked amazing

It was Helen mirren. Awesome color

That is an absolutely fabulous idea!! Hmm....

just looked up some pics and yes it does look awesome on her, and it's even a similar cut to mine... hmm some more!!

T stirred up a hornets nest by talking to these parts. I swear he was being difficult just so i'd give in, against better judgemenet. But this Internal Family Systems does feel better than the other rubbish he tried.

I had an interesting experience yesterday at my practitioner training. During one of the journeys we did, the focus was to talk to the younger us that experienced the particular "mother wound" that we were working with. So I was talking to my inner 20 year old that received the hate letter from my mother. Interestingly, along came a much younger me as well (about the age I was in that picture I shared with y'all awhile back of little Artie standing on the rocks by a river) and said "you guys are stupid! just write her a letter, and ask t if we can mail it to her instead!" Bossy little thing. Perhaps I have become just a little bit too comfortable with this 'working with parts' thing...

Think tomorrow is get totally blitzed night. 1/5 of Bacardi should do the trick. Seriously considering it.

Just be careful of meds plus alcohol DD. Could leave you feeling worse.

With chest pains? Hate to be a debbie downer - okay, lying, i love being a debbie downer - but i get terrible hangovers, so i dont recommend it

My Roman mom was kidnapped thusly. Also my aunt of whom many descendants are Spartans!

Current T wore a pantsuit today (she never wears pants) -- I didn't register it (I mean I saw that she was wearing pants but didn't read anything more into it) until she told me it's a sly nod specifically for her clients. We chatted a bit about it. Interesting conversation.....at least until she kept steering me back to my blah-inducing past life stuff.

Navajo rabbit, you let people in your family go to Michigan State?

Well damn. I have a really painful situation on my hands. My massage therapist who I've been seeing regularly since Feb and I have been having email exchanges for a while. She is very spiritual and we sort of bounce meditation ideas off each other, etc
.I can be a bit over sensitive to written stuff but I've been working on that and I totally thought it was a situation of mutual sharing and enjoyment.

So, it came as quite a painful shock at our session Wednesday night when she told me my emails were a "pain in the ***"

It was at the end and she had to go so no chance to.talk about it.

I contacted her about it Friday BC I was really hurt but I got some new agey stuff about "intention doesn't equal outcome" and how she would never say anything hurtful in purpose.

So I said, OK but it WAS really hurtful
It really hurt me.
And she just said she "wouldn't engage in negativity" with me.

I have so many issues around abandonment and being ashamed of my need for love its nearly crushed me into nonfunctional-ness.

And I can't tell.my T because 1. My T knows her and 2. I'm terrified now that my T feels the same as my massage therapist because I bother my T more.

So I'm just drowning in hurt and shame. I thought we were becoming friends. I've resorted to some very bad coping mechanisms.

I don't know what to do from here. She has some kind of training so.I won't see her for nearly 2 weeks. I obviously can't email.her. I don't know if I go back. If I just pretend it never happened...I hurt so.much I feel sick.

And I feel so ruined..like everything my mom ever said about me was right.

Its awful

And they dont even study farming when they get there!

I BLEED green and white!!! GO STATE!!!

Not on meds any more. I mean not say I don't have any laying around but really not the point. Just the alcohol tomorrow. And can't really feel much worse. Between the physical, mental, and emotional right now there is no worse...even death would be preferrable to the hell I am in right now...not there yet. Preferrable to that would be cutting all contact with family but haven't found a way to make that happen yet. Hey maybe the $$ I get from bonds grandma bought grandchildren I could escape but at the rate things are going between sisters and their brother(whom I have disowned as my uncle for all purposes relevant to me)could be 20 years before that happens.

Could it be that there's also fear that he'll take all these extra stuff away?

I freaked when T said I could call the clinic to ask to speak to her etc. Ended up making really sure that:
she offered it because she wants to, and because she feels I need it,
and that she won't give anything she'll later resent or regret,
And she won't take it away.