[sunrise]

Well, I can't say T and I had one of those connected therapy sessions, but it wasn't a baaad session.

Right before therapy, I was at the car repair shop to pick up my car, and for the second day in a row, it was not ready. (Could they have bothered to phone and let me know it wasn't ready? No.) I am not a person given to getting angry, but the repair guy seemed to expect it, and in fact, said he would go get the manager. As I was waiting, I realized I am now supposed to bawl the manager out. Aaaacckkk! I thought about it a while, and decided I really did have the right to be angry. So when the manager came, I let fly. It seemed to be both expected and accepted. (I ended up getting an apology and a $250 gift certificate for future repairs.)

Then I went to therapy with all this rush of adrenalin from having been angry. I was very jangly and impatient and hardly ready to sit still and make connection with T. All this energy got transferred into railing about how effing sick I am of the divorce. And I expressed a lot of frustration with both my husband and the divorce process. At times, I was kind of impatient with T also. (In fact, maybe I was occasionally obnoxious. Like there was this one time I was explaining my point of view, and he said "good." I said, "Good?! What do you mean, good?!", in this really demanding way. I had expected him to disagree with me and maybe reframe something, and instead, he is agreeing with me? He says, kind of bewildered but smiling, "yes, I agree with you. I understand." I had been thinking maybe what I was saying was unreasonable, so it helped a lot to hear maybe this wasn't the case.) In hindsight, I look back and see how several times T really tried to connect and I pushed it away. Interesting. Maybe the times we don't connect are often my fault?

At one point, after my going through a litany of things not going well with the divorce, T says, "what do you want us to do about it?" Us??? Us??? Why is he asking about us? It totally distracts me when he uses that word. There is an "us"?! I think hard. What he and I do together is talk, so he must be asking me if I want "us" to continue talking about this or not. In fact, maybe he is telling me he's had enough and that it isn't productive for "us" to keep talking along these lines. I don't like that idea so I choose not to answer (my interpretation of) his question. I ignore the "us" part, and say that I can only control what I do about things, and here's what I could do to help the situation. But then he says this other thing we could do to deal with the situation and I find out he really did mean what he said and wasn't just suggesting our talking was useless. That made me realize how I can sometimes jump to conclusions about his meaning and end up misunderstanding if I don't seek clarification. I did consider his suggestion for how we can proceed but ended up vetoing it, at least for now. He said if I change my mind, to call him, and he will proceed. This is totally cool as he has never suggested I call him!

At another point, I shared with him how at our last session 2 weeks ago he had told me something was worrying/concerning him and that had made me worry myself. I was already worried about this myself, but to have him also say he was worried, made me really anxious. He asked, "would you rather I had not said that?" That question really floored me. I thought quite a bit before answering. His worry the session before had made me think and re-evaluate, and that is not a bad thing. And I wouldn't want him to start measuring every response he makes to me. So I told him, no, I didn't wish he hadn't said that, that it had made me think. I added that I did not want him to have to think about every thing he says to me, but just to be able to talk freely. He said, "yes, you and I are very close and we are very open with each other." Well, it's a good thing I was sitting down, because that statement really hit me hard. Unlike some of the people here on PC--and I greatly admire this about you--I do not talk to my T about our relationship (unless it is through dreamwork). I just accept we are close and connected, but don't talk about it. To hear him acknowledge how great we are together made me feel really, really good. I told him, I wanted that to continue.

As I was leaving, he told me he is glad to see me like this, so impatient and ready to move on. He says it shows therapy is working. ??? I'm not sure what that means. I hate those on-the-way-out-the-door comments. Then you wonder all week about them. Gottseidank I have an appointment next week--these every other week sessions sometimes just aren't frequent enough. I feel like I have a ton of things to talk about with him next time.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sunrise said:
He said, "yes, you and I are very close and we are very open with each other." Well, it's a good thing I was sitting down, because that statement really hit me hard. Unlike some of the people here on PC--and I greatly admire this about you--I do not talk to my T about our relationship (unless it is through dreamwork). I just accept we are close and connected, but don't talk about it. To hear him acknowledge how great we are together made me feel really, really good. I told him, I wanted that to continue.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Wow. That must have been wonderful. It's such a weird experience when Ts makes those unexpected comments that are worthy of us hitting the floor. I usually just sit there dumbfounded like a total jerk, lol.

I think it was just the right time for him to disclose this seeing as how you sick you are of dealing with the divorce. In the here-and-now moment the focus was on you and Ts relationship-- not you and your husband's.

[Lemon]

Sunrise, it's great you sort-of reached a new level of connection with your T this week. That is especially true with you having to deal with the divorce stuff right now. I'm glad your T was there for you and was able to support you.

[MissCharlotte]

Wow, Sunny it sounds like it was a really charged session and that's a good thing.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
In hindsight, I look back and see how several times T really tried to connect and I pushed it away. Interesting. Maybe the times we don't connect are often my fault?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I try not to think of things in a blameful way because it only causes feelings of inadequacy.
Maybe at those times, those weren't the planes on which you could connect; you just recognize them now, with the 20/20 vision that comes with hindsight.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
end up misunderstanding if I don't seek clarification.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yes! More often than not, my phone calls after session are to seek clarification. It really helps to further the bond between us.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I told him, I wanted that to continue.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Now that is beautiful!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I hate those on-the-way-out-the-door comments. Then you wonder all week about them

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Oh, those crafty T's!!!

Sounds like an awesome session. Good show!

[sunrise]

Thanks sister, Lemon, and pinksoil.

You know, the bottom line is, I just love therapy. Yes, it is really helping me, but it's intellectually interesting and emotionally satisfying too. Very few things seem to provide that combination. Of course, it can also be emotionally draining and frustrating as h*ll sometimes, but as with childbirth, you tend to forget those times when they are in the distant past--i.e. one week.

I had a really nice surprise tonight--an e-mail from my T! Based on our session Tuesday night, I had an action plan for moving forward, and he learned I had indeed taken the first step. So I got a short "pat on the back" e-mail. Wow. How can something so simple lift one's spirits so?

[lauren_helene]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sunrise said:

I thought about it a while, and decided I really did have the right to be angry. So when the manager came, I let fly. It seemed to be both expected and accepted. (I ended up getting an apology and a $250 gift certificate for future repairs.)

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I am so proud of you Sunny!! You stood up for yourself and must have done it genuinely and were rewarded for it. Great going! My Aunt used to say that you can say anything to anyone, it's the way the message is delivered that matters.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sunrise said:
At times, I was kind of impatient with T also. (In fact, maybe I was occasionally obnoxious. Like there was this one time I was explaining my point of view, and he said "good." I said, "Good?! What do you mean, good?!", in this really demanding way.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

This is an interesting exchange. It seems you were hoping he would reframe your thinking but I think what he was saying is that you have a right to feel the way you do. No reframing necessary!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sunrise said:
He says, kind of bewildered but smiling, "yes, I agree with you. I understand." I had been thinking maybe what I was saying was unreasonable, so it helped a lot to hear maybe this wasn't the case.)

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Is it possible that you thought you were being unreasonable? This is a profound moment I believe. I don't know what you said and don't need to. If your T thought you were being unreasonable he would've said 'well, let's think about it this way'...he didn't and I hope you continue to express yourself and be raw!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sunrise said:
In hindsight, I look back and see how several times T really tried to connect and I pushed it away. Interesting. Maybe the times we don't connect are often my fault?.)

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

No, that isn't your fault or his. I think it's working now for you both. This type of relationship takes time Sunny and you are going at your own pace. He is respecting your pace too.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sunrise said:
At one point, after my going through a litany of things not going well with the divorce, T says, "what do you want us to do about it?" Us??? Us??? Why is he asking about us? It totally distracts me when he uses that word. There is an "us"?!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Aw, I'm giggling a bit here. Yes there is an 'us' with you and your T. He's trying to tell you that. It is a therapeutic 'us' but it doesn't matter because it is real nonetheless.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sunrise said:
I think hard. What he and I do together is talk, so he must be asking me if I want "us" to continue talking about this or not. In fact, maybe he is telling me he's had enough and that it isn't productive for "us" to keep talking along these lines.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Ah yes, don't you just love misinterpretations? I do this all the time. I'm thinking the point of him stressing 'us' is he wanted to pass that message to you. That there is a you and him...

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sunrise said:
But then he says this other thing we could do to deal with the situation and I find out he really did mean what he said and wasn't just suggesting our talking was useless. That made me realize how I can sometimes jump to conclusions about his meaning and end up misunderstanding if I don't seek clarification.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Me too! I'm glad you seeked clarification. I don't always do that and then obsess until the next session. Good for you for realizing you needed to do that.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sunrise said:
I did consider his suggestion for how we can proceed but ended up vetoing it, at least for now. He said if I change my mind, to call him, and he will proceed. This is totally cool as he has never suggested I call him!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

All I can say to this is:

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sunrise said:
He said, "yes, you and I are very close and we are very open with each other." Well, it's a good thing I was sitting down, because that statement really hit me hard. Unlike some of the people here on PC--and I greatly admire this about you--I do not talk to my T about our relationship (unless it is through dreamwork). I just accept we are close and connected, but don't talk about it. To hear him acknowledge how great we are together made me feel really, really good. I told him, I wanted that to continue.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yes!!!!!!! This was a beautiful exchange. Have I said I love your T yet? My T said something similar not long ago. I wanted to jump up and hug him. I'm glad you told him you want the connection to continue. This is huge Sunny!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sunrise said:
As I was leaving, he told me he is glad to see me like this, so impatient and ready to move on. He says it shows therapy is working. ??? I'm not sure what that means. I hate those on-the-way-out-the-door comments. Then you wonder all week about them. Gottseidank I have an appointment next week--these every other week sessions sometimes just aren't frequent enough. I feel like I have a ton of things to talk about with him next time.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I know what you mean about those ending comments but that is how we learn. Painful as it is...

I am so happy for you. Sorry it took me a few days to respond.