Before I even logged on I was seriously about title my post something along the lines of this... and Sister, when I saw yours, I figured it was absolutely appropriate.

I don't even know what the %#@&#! happened yesterday. It was horrible. I barely spoke the entire time. He barely spoke the entire time. I told him I was really mad at him. I told him he was so far away.

Last week I called my pdoc for some more Klonopin. So when I came into the session T said, "I know that you called Dr. P. for more meds. He called them into the pharmacy, but from now on even if you want to take Klonopin and no other meds, you still have to see Dr. P. regularly." Fine. I can understand that. Then this, "Dr. P also said that we do have another psychiatrist here and maybe you should see him."

"A second opinion" is was it was referred to.

2nd opinion? If I see a new pdoc, that will be my 7th in 8 years. I would have thought that I'd gathered all the opinions necessary by now.

I didn't say much about it at the time because I really didn't feel like it.

But later on last night I began to process those feelings. And I started to think... am I such a difficult patient that my pdoc really needs to refer me out? Don't get me wrong-- I don't even really like the guy. I am not attached in any stretch of the imagination. I just feel like a lost cause. He was my 6th psychiatrist. Then I started to get really scared that T probably feels this way too, and maybe soon he will say, "Perhaps someone else can help you better," and try to refer me out.

T said that I could call him later that night because I told him that after a session like this I would probably just explode. He said, "Can't you explode over the phone?"

So I called him later that night. But I didn't explode. I had already SI'ed and I told him that I did, and that it didn't even do anything for me. That I was numb, there was no emotion attached. I told him I was beginning to process what had been said about the pdoc and that was affecting me.

I did not say to him what I really wanted to say.

I wanted to say: I felt so far away and disconnected from you, and you did nothing to make it easier.

[MyBestKids2]

)))))))))pinksoil((((((((((

I am so sorry for your disappointment and hurt. All I can offer is safe gentle hugs and the hope you stay safe and are in a better place soon.

Take care,
Dee

[pegasus]

Pinksoil,

I don't know if you will hate me for it but I'm going to tell you something that I think might help.

A few years ago I was at the stage you are at. At times I hated my T. Called him all sorts of awful names too! I realised that T would purposely provoke a reaction in order for me to see.............that actually I wasn't mad at my T, but at the people who had hurt me.

Eventually you will realise that your anger is justified but not about your T at all. T really cares about you, I've seen it in many of your posts. T wants the best for you.

Go easy on yourself and 'allow' T to help you.

[MissCharlotte]

(((((Pinksoil)))))

I am so sorry that you had such a lousy session. There are definitely some similarities in our sessions yesterday. I've been thinking, do you think it makes the session go south when T comes into the room with an agenda rather than responding to our needs in the moment?

I mean, I know they have a treatment plan and all but the goal is to respond in the moment, no? So, when they come in with these agendas: [ in your case the pdoc/meds discussion and in my case the goals/review discussion] maybe it feels like our needs are not being met.

Just a though, and as the day wears on I'm sure I'll have more.

By the way, if you don't like your current pdoc, who cares if you go to another one? Maybe he said that to T because T was riding him about not being able to help you? Maybe T went to bat for you with pdoc? I say, move on, and if it takes 99 of them so be it. You're worth it.

Take gentle care and love yourself. PS if you want to borrow my Wonder Woman suit you can.

Sistah

[Cheri]

You know, maybe your pdoc suggested getting a "second opinion" with the other pdoc in the practice because he knows you don't like him and feels maybe some of your resistance to meds (for example, quitting cold turkey a month ago) is a reaction to him. You have said in the past that your T sometimes acts as an intermediary between the two of you, which suggests they may be trying to find ways to make dealing with the pdoc easier for you.

IOW, it may not be a matter of him rejecting you for being a difficult patient, but simply him/them (w/your T) trying to create a situation that seems more tolerable to you. Possible?

[sunrise]

pink, I'm sorry it wasn't a better session for you.

I think it odd that your pdoc can't communicate with you directly but has to go through your T. I would be kind of annoyed about that. When you called pdoc for more klonopin, why didn't he just say, "OK, I'll write you another scrip, but after that I really need to see you again, as it's been a while. Can you make an appointment soon?" Then when he sees you in person, you could discuss the current meds situation, you can explain how you need something without disabling side effects as you must be able to function for your internship, etc. And if he is stumped, he can suggest you talk to the other pdoc for another opinion. I don't think he is suggesting another pdoc because you are difficult, but maybe because your med needs are challenging and beyond his experience.

It could just be me, but I would find it supremely annoying your pdoc can't talk with you directly about this but has to "tattle" on you to your T. It would make me feel like a little kid and the "grown-ups" were colluding behind my back. For gosh sake, pdoc, just talk to pinksoil yourself! Instead, your T had to waste valuable session time with you going over this topic, which did nothing to make the session a productive one. If it were me, I would ask T if next time pdoc asks him to relay a message, to tell him to talk with you directly. You're not a child!

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I wanted to say: I felt so far away and disconnected from you, and you did nothing to make it easier.

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It's so hard sometimes to say what we want. ((((hugs))))

[Lemon]

pink, I'm sorry it was such a crappy session. Will you get to see T again on Friday? Take care of yourself.

[dreamrunner]

Sounds like a crappy situation,If it were me I wouldnt want to see old pdoc or new one.Possibly though,the new one could be much better than any pdoc in your past....one can hope right?
Im sorry that your in such termoil.....take care.

[april15]

Do you think maybe you were hoping he would say something or share his feelings like he did before to make you feel connected? It seems to me your not speaking was a way to convey that HE needs to do something, rather than taking responsibility for your own therapy.

Then you called him, telling him you SI'd . Why did you feel the need to tell him this? It kind of seems like a way to punish him because he didn't behave the way you wanted, or maybe even an attempt to get him to do it over the phone. Were you trying to indirectly tell him that you SI'd because you felt so disconnected? You said "I felt so far away and disconnected from you, and you did nothing to make it easier."

What can you do to help yourself feel connected to your T in session (and out)? For me, I talk and am very open and honest, and my T reciprocates. She hears me and is there for me and our deep connection is based on my being real and sharing my innermost pain with her.