Role reversal

I guess I haven't experienced role reversal as much as I have role equivalency. My t has told me we are both attached to each other and the goal of therapy is to help each other into well being. So much of my therapy has been about my t. But I also contributed to that because I thrived on being needed by my t for a while. Convoluted, indeed.

How did your session go yesterday, MP?

Thanks, my session actually went well. I was pleasantly surprised. I shared just about everything I needed to share and actually this time I felt like I got an appropriate response. So this T is a keeper and my pattern with Ts appears to be broken! Super stoked about that. I think the missing human element was my own fault in this case.

Role equivalency sounds interesting... I think that is the ultimate goal of therapy, really. But, once you have reached that role equivalency, do you think it's helpful to continue therapy beyond that point? To me at that point it sounds like it would almost just be more of a friendship type of relationship, which is fine, but shouldn't cost money!

Mine never said any such thing but in hindsight that is clearly what was going on. And for me that amounts to exploitation. Only one of us was paying.

Thanks for the good news update. Sounds like things are a rolling!

No, therapy no longer appears to be helpful. Not sure it ever will be again as my t and I do have an established friendship outside of therapy. It's a total mess.

I'm starting to think the same. Just not thinking about it too hard because it kind of makes me sick.

Ah. Sorry to hear that.

Like I said before, I have been through a codependent dynamic with a therapist and fortunately I was able to step back and stop that pattern before it got really out of control.

Even after that, I still always wanted to make it work somehow. But just because I had changed doesn't mean she has changed equally much. She just wasn't ready to change.

I refused to stay stuck on that level, I tried to be vulnerable and honest, and it was too much for her. So in the end I lost her, totally and completely from my life, and felt like I was being punished for doing the right thing. I only ever wanted what was best for both of us. I still want that and still miss her and deeply deeply care for her. But I mean, I can't change her.

I know how painful it is and how hard it is to step back and really ask yourself if what's happening is healthy. but I hope you can ultimately figure out what feels right for you.

Thank you for sharing your story, and for the encouragement. It's a difficult predicament to be in. I'm sorry you lost your t. It sounds like you made all the right choices for yourself and ultimately that is what is most important. I hope to find such strength.

Man, this has all got me thinking about ex T. The only reason new T is helping is because she just lets me vent about ex T and not offering any untoward "help." Not patronizing me. The thing about ex T that bothers me is not because she messed up as a T, I don't really care about that because there are other and more mature T's in the sea, what bothers me is that our personal connection itself was simultaneously a casualty of that. I mean, T's are no different than normal people and you can't typically hold them to a higher standard than normal people, yet at the same time there's this expectation that you're not supposed to treat them or feel about them the same way you would about normal people.

Like I don't care that she wasn't a good enough T to help me in the end, but it does piss me off that now she's acting all honorable and sacrificing our relationship (her relationship to ME) and won't let me talk her out of it because "blah T is responsible for being blah. it's not appropriate." I mean it's not appropriate to drop your clients because of your personal feelings either so when did we ever start caring about what's appropriate?

I mean the whole benefit of being an unprofessional therapist is you get to essentially just have a personal relationship and call it therapy! It seems like a failure on all counts to fail at therapy and then deprive yourself of the relationship on top of that. Of course it messes with my head. If I had a friend just like ex T who ghosted me, it would seriously mess with my head as well.

It's the lack of feedback. Like, wtf is this even about? Because my intuition tells me she's still out there missing me and thinking of me all the time, yet maybe I'm totally wrong and she just thinks I'm lame and annoying and doesn't have any interest in me anymore? If that were the case, it wouldn't be an issue if she would just tell me as much. That would make it easy to move on. Instead she just randomly began pretending I stopped existing and I have no clue if I've been rejected or if it's just that she thinks she's earning karma for this sacrifice. Anyone who treated me this way after having such a close, intimate, intense and mutual connection, would drive me up the effing wall, as she certainly managed to do. I'm the kind of person who needs communication. And she is not said type and it baffles me how someone can be that content with such little real involvement or reciprocation in one's own relationships.

Sorry for venting but yeah.. :/

I mean I'm moving on, I'm growing and I'm not stuck on her, but I am still attached... it just sucks.

The emotional withholding and withdrawal that is characteristic of seemingly many therapy relationships can feel like abuse, in my experience.

Yeah though I see this as an issue I have with her herself, not with therapy. Therapy is just an excuse. She would have done this in any other relationship with a similarly contradictory excuse. I mean there's legitimate reasons she would feel like this relationship was too much but it's like, can't fix it by pretending it doesn't exist. I will give it to this whole experience that it has taught me to be honest with myself about what I expect from any given circumstances. It's my fault for tempting a married woman. And it's her fault she let it happen. This is why I shouldn't be ranting, I was just as guilty as she was. It still hurts though, feelings are just like that...

You know what, actually, when I put it like I did in my last post, it all makes total sense to me and I feel like the only person I have to blame is myself. Not that I was blaming her before, but I think I wasn't blaming myself as much as I should have. Well, I guess that's a lesson learned. I'm glad I thought about it that way.

Maybe so, re: was about her as a person. I guess it depends how much of a the real person behind the therapist persona is actually present in the room. I don't feel at fault, except a little. I was set up. Therapy is extremely seductive on many levels. I am pissed at myself for lack of awareness about the process at the time, but that doesn't change the fact that I was ensnared. There was no consent. Lot of covert weirdness. The power imbalance is enormous. I think therapists own almost all responsibility for failures. The client is paying for the privilege of simply expressing feelings and needs. Anyway I don't blame my therapist. The system or construct is the issue.

Possibly. But I certainly learned from my mistakes. Unfortunately I think the truth is that all professions suffer, in large quantities, from professionals who do not correctly perform or even understand their job duties. That's human beings for you.

Maybe that's the really frightening thing. Therapy can't fix you, it's just a tool and it's still up to you to either use it correctly or abuse it.

After all, even with the best therapist, a client who doesn't want to get better isn't going to.

But therapy will certainly give a client what they expect to get from it. Otherwise they won't keep paying. I'm still grateful that I had that experience because it helped me to grow.

I learned also. But it came at enormous cost and the damage far outweighs the meagre benefits. I don't see therapy as a tool for getting better. I see it as a palliative instrument that keeps you wanting more and people end up continuing to pay because some part of them longs for this beyond all reason. Which I understand cuz I became a junkie in the most horrible way. But I know some people can make use of it.