Who is to blame?

My T said something to me at the end of last session... "You need to let go of this dependancy."

So, I'm just wondering in general who is really to blame for dependancy? Is it us as clients? Or the T's?

I'd just like to hear some different opinions and experiences.

The first one I see has intentionally tried to get me to bond or attach to her. I have managed to evade it for the most part because I don't see the point and have no desire for such a thing with a therapist- but I think if a client buys into it and the therapist is trying to manipulate the client into it - then a great portion of the blame lies on the therapist.

I don't know if it is about blame. But it is what it is. If a person is inclined to become overly dependent on others (T's or otherwise), that is probably not just a therapy issue, but an issue throughout their life -- perhaps due to lack of confidence, poor self-esteem, anxiety, etc. One of the goals my therapist worked on with me a great deal was to help me find and exercise my own independence, to find my own sense of autonomy, so I wasn't so reliant on what everyone around me was thinking, so that I didn't base all of my choices on what I felt obligated to do for others for their approval, etc.

I've never had a therapist encourage unhealthy dependency. Rather, I've had them encourage me to not feel guilty about asking for help when I needed it, but they at the same time, encouraged me to find the balance of independence and healthy acceptance of support. I think it can be easy to slip into a sort of helplessness in areas of life where we can probably function much more decisively and independently, particularly when we are dealing with depression and anxiety which can make us feel rather paralyzed. It is much less about blame and much more about change of habit of thinking.

I don't know what your T meant by letting go of dependency unless, like I said above, your therapist is seeing a tendency on your part to not trust or have confidence in your own ability to work through certain things. Without context, it is hard to say.

In my case, my t encouraged the dependency. I allowed myself to become very dependent on her. I don't think either of us are to blame, persay, but we both contributed to the dependency.

ETA: Nevermind -- I do blame my t for the dependency issue for the most part. Sure, I fell for it so I blame myself, too. Mostly I blame her. It's been super hard to get out of this emotional dependency on her. Your t should have least taken the time to talk more about the dependency, the good reasons why you need to work to let go of it, and healthy ways to work to let go of it.

I have a very strong desire and tendency for autonomy and independence, so it is virtually impossible to manipulate me into one-sided dependency. (I am saying one-sided as I do engage in mutual relationships where both parties rely on the other in work collaborations and in some way, in intimate relationships). My first T tried to manipulate me that way though... even criticized me when it did not work (it was actually highly repulsive for me), saying that I had attachment issues (avoidant tendencies). He tried in different ways, including telling me he wanted to serve a nurturing role that I did not receive from my mother in childhood... I found the latter ridiculous, especially the way it was presented to me (for example, he would say he sent me encouraging emails to provide some kind of maternal nurture).

It is true that I have dismissive/avoidant streaks but, for me, the way to work on that is not in therapy so much, more in everyday relationships. Current T has never tried to foster dependency, he is very respectful and non-judgmental about my boudaries and decisions as to how much attachment and in what form I desire in therapy.

I agree with lolagrace that it's not about blaming anyone... Ts try different things and we react to them. Also, by default many Ts put a lot of emphasis on the relationship and on the client's attachment issues, they like to work on those things. A client does not need to comply with whatever they don't want.

First, that's a really crappy thing for a therapist to say.

Second, the therapist ought to be aware of dependency issues (which will be different for every person) and be mindful to help the person work through those issues if it becomes a problem, and to not do that in a rejecting way.

I think a lot of it depends on a therapist skill--to provide support while the individual builds from within (and in their outside, non-therapy life). Fostering dependency is reckless; working through it can be helpful (again, if the therapist is good at that sort of thing).

Well...if the therapist encourages it, the therapist.

I can see scenarios in which a therapist doesn't encourage it at all - like I can't see No. 2 encouraging dependency at all with her remote attitude - but it develops anyway, due either to the fact this is the client's closest relationship with anyone, or this is the way the client develops relationships as a matter of course. Not sure it's the client's fault then in either scenario, but I don't think it's the therapist's either, except insofar as they chose their career path.

The only thing that is definitely the client's fault is if they act out their dependency issues in some extreme way, like harassing the therapist outside of the office. Some will argue it's still not the client's fault then, but anyone who is an adult should behave as an adult is expected to behave.

As for me, I blame society.

Your T is to be blamed for the sheer stupidity of the utterance -- nobody gets over dependency by just being told that they need to get over it

Blame doesn't seem like the best way to frame it, but cause and effect is just the same i suppose. I think it's mostly like Lolagrace said--it's more about balance, which she described very well.

Like many who didn't get much parenting, I spent most of my life as a pseudo-independent since I was a young child. Shortly after I got into therapy, I became the opposite--very dependent. It happened abruptly; it was kind of dissociative, actually.

The pseudo-independent was a layer on top of the dependent traits, which come from a young child-like place, but were stunted during development. Therapy helped me become more balanced, but I still lean towards being overly dependent. So in a way, therapy is to blame for the change, but not really.

Although to ATATs comment-I wouldn't confuse dependency with a need for control or anger or fear or aggressiveness. I don't think stalking or harrassment is related to dependency. Sometimes it's just one way need for control can manifest. Need for control can manifest in different ways in those who appear to be the farthest from dependent.

Some therapists do encourage dependency, but I think that it can sometimes be helpful. Other times probably not.

Good thread.

As others have said, I do not think that dependency is something that should be labeled as intrinsically bad. And, therefore, I don't feel anyone should be blamed. I think, for some, it is both natural and necessary. For others, of course, there is a need for independence and autonomy. But, neither situation is right or wrong - it all depends on the individual and the therapist.

I grew up in such a way that it made me have to be independent and overly responsible at a young age. In many ways, that has been positive as it has allowed be to be motivated, dependable, and forward-thinking. I can problem solve with the best of them! In some situations. At the same time, my experience has made me want so badly to be cared for. I need to learn how to depend on others because it is unhealthy for me to not allow anyone in on an emotional level. Or, physical, for that matter. Part of my therapeutic experience has centered on developing an attachment to my therapist so that she can be effective for me and so I can learn that it is okay and safe to depend upon someone else.

Of course, the most important piece of this is that my therapist is emotionally healthy and has strong boundaries. Strong, by the way, does not mean inflexible. If a therapist went about this and was not emotionally healthy, there would be blame associated with their actions. It's also important for the therapist to not foster such dependency that a client loses the ability or never learns to care for themself. One of the things I've needed to learn in therapy is appropriate boundaries and "discipline." Structure would be a better word, perhaps. I am hell on wheels when left to my own devices and so my T has had her work cut out for her. I am dependent on her, to a degree, and that is appropriate for right now. What's important is that this dependence is fluid and allows me to grow independence over time. It's not cut and dry and is certainly not static. If it becomes that way and no effort to amend it was made by the therapist or client, perhaps, then, blame might need to be assigned.

It is both the client's and T's responsibility to progress the therapeutic relationship. Any time there is an imbalance for a long period of time, it can become damaging. A client too afraid to be autonomous can create a disastrous situation over time. The same is true for a client who refuses to ever lean on someone else. A therapist who allows dependence without teaching skills or encouraging independence in certain circumstances is not helping their client. And, a T who does not allow a proverbial shoulder to cry on would also be ineffective if taken to the extreme. It's all about balance and growth. I think I am fortunate in this as my therapist does allow me to experience dependence while not squelching my innate need for autonomy as well.

Blame is not helpful in my opinion unless a situation is so egregious that serious damage is done. But, that is just my belief and, as always, that can be subject to change as well. Interesting topic, though, for sure.

Sometimes blame isn't so much of the issue. Do I blame my perpetrator for his sexual violence against me? Heck yes. But what then? Do I wait around for him to put me and my life back together? Hardly. Not even possible.

But your T is not a perpetrator, but let's say T is 100% responsible for creating a dependency in you. The Q is, what are you going to do about it? Can you and your T create a partnership that helps you move through this stage (and I really do believe it's a transitory place you're in, you are not stuck)?

Can you reframe the question (if it helps you) as how do I ask my T for help in becoming less dependent?

I don't read any modesty or humility in the psych literature. Most everything I've read conveys authoritative conclusions about how life, emotions, diagnostic and treatment modalities regardless of whether these beliefs are supported by science. Some psych literature strikes me as downright conjuring or mind reading, presenting the therapist as something of a wizard.

If a provider brings this hubris into the therapy relationship, I think it easy for a distressed client to default to idolizing. I think it common for therapy to stir responses from childhood when most of us depended on a stronger person for survival and had to bow to the judgment of parents, teachers and other authority figures. Almost everyone I know (well enough) has deferred to "strong men" in one situation or another.

I see human hierarchy established quite subtly, through speech or gesture, who has the questions or claims to have answers, who labels, who gives direct advice, who makes judgments, who initiates standing or sitting or touching, who keeps time, who makes rules. I don't see falling into a dependent or deferential a relationship--particularly within the highly managed therapy structure--indicating some deficiency. I believe the relationship can be engineered to encourage it.

And yes, I would see statements like "You need to let go of this dependency," as belittling and fueling an authoritarian/supplicant dynamic.

I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. I've seen at least seven Ts, only two were longer term and those I was the most attached to and probably dependent on. BUT, those two were the ones who helped me grow the most. They are the reason I no longer have an eating disorder, am much better at managing anxiety and depression, and they've helped me learn how to have healthier relationships.

After a two year break from therapy, I recently started up again seeing a new T (I've moved quite a few times in my 20s or I'd see the previous long-term Ts again). I've started to tell I'm going to get attached to this one too and feeling dependent on her reassurance, but, while it does feel embarrassing, I'm not worried because I know it's part of the process for me. I've learned Ts are one source of support but have also been learning to better identify friends and family members I can rely on too.

There were some Ts I was not dependent on, but I also didn't learn much of anything from them

I'd do some reading on attachment styles. Might give toy a while new understanding