[guilloche]

Thanks for the support everybody.

I went and saw the French T. I'm not quite sure what to make of it, honestly. On the one hand, I think I like him... he seemed much more human and normal to me than most of the previous Ts I've seen, friendly, not too hard to talk to, and even admitted his own nervousness at meeting new clients (as I hid behind a pillow).

He's got experience with DBT, is very not pushy, and seems smart! When I asked if he knew about cognitive functions (the theory behind the Meyers-Briggs personality system) he said YES (and I was floored!). He knows about neuroscience too! So, super cool. Definitely someone that I think could be interesting and helpful in figuring out my life and my brain.

The one big red flag... he talked about DBT, and I told him that I know that it's used for BPD, and that people with BPD are usually seen as difficult and challenging to treat. And, does that he mean he's comfortable with difficult, challenging clients (since I've got a really rocky past, and last T was very upfront with me that I'm "challenging" "make [him] work hard".

He said that he actually has no experience with BPD (he uses DBT for other things) and that, honestly, borderline personality disorder scares him! I don't remember how we segued, but he said that (again, being honest) that he's not good with any attachment stuff.

We talked a bit to try to figure out what that means and whether we're a good fit for each other. But frankly, I'm a bit scared that this is a huge red flag for me... I tend to test as disorganized attachment (I believe that's what it was, the really messed up one!) and have trouble trusting people, and therapists, to be there for me. I did tell him that I tend to interpret things very negatively, and that's been hard for my previous Ts to deal with... but he seemed OK with that. I'm not sure - but I think he might have meant that he has trouble with clients that over-attach, and wants lots of extra contact?

Ugh. I don't know what to do here. Most of the other therapists that I've looked at online make me feel *blah* - completely turned off, and uninterested in talking to them. This is one of the first ones that I've felt like I might get along with as a person (maybe, I'm admittedly not 100%).

Any advice? Am I setting myself up for yet another T-failure and all the ensuing misery? I think I'm going to give him a few more sessions to see how we work together...

(Oh second red flag was that he's really new to being a T - I don't know exactly how much T-experience he has, but I'm thinking only 3-5 years. I've had so many bad experiences, I tend to think I need someone with more experience - but maybe there's a good side to a new-ish T? I feel like he might listen more and be less certain of his impressions, more willing to check things out with me and not jump to conclusions?)

Thanks!!!

[ilikecats]

I think you should give him a shot. He sounds pretty good. Maybe being "scared" of bpd is just part of him being new and not having a lot of experience, so he's scared of something he hasn't experienced yet. Like fear of the unknown. I think it sounds like you're liking him for the most part, so maybe try to see if it works out with him.

[AllHeart]

Based on your attachment experiences with former t's, do you know what you would need from this t if you did get attached? As in, what kind of out of session contact do you think you would need? What might you need by way of reassurance from t? How much self-disclosure does he offer up? What kind of boundaries does he have? Maybe try to figure out what it is you need to make this work and then find out what your t can and cannot provide. Make sure he understands the disorganized attachment style as well before deciding what to do.

[SoConfused623]

Originally Posted by guilloche

Thanks for the support everybody.

I went and saw the French T. I'm not quite sure what to make of it, honestly. On the one hand, I think I like him... he seemed much more human and normal to me than most of the previous Ts I've seen, friendly, not too hard to talk to, and even admitted his own nervousness at meeting new clients (as I hid behind a pillow).

He's got experience with DBT, is very not pushy, and seems smart! When I asked if he knew about cognitive functions (the theory behind the Meyers-Briggs personality system) he said YES (and I was floored!). He knows about neuroscience too! So, super cool. Definitely someone that I think could be interesting and helpful in figuring out my life and my brain.

The one big red flag... he talked about DBT, and I told him that I know that it's used for BPD, and that people with BPD are usually seen as difficult and challenging to treat. And, does that he mean he's comfortable with difficult, challenging clients (since I've got a really rocky past, and last T was very upfront with me that I'm "challenging" "make [him] work hard".

He said that he actually has no experience with BPD (he uses DBT for other things) and that, honestly, borderline personality disorder scares him! I don't remember how we segued, but he said that (again, being honest) that he's not good with any attachment stuff.

We talked a bit to try to figure out what that means and whether we're a good fit for each other. But frankly, I'm a bit scared that this is a huge red flag for me... I tend to test as disorganized attachment (I believe that's what it was, the really messed up one!) and have trouble trusting people, and therapists, to be there for me. I did tell him that I tend to interpret things very negatively, and that's been hard for my previous Ts to deal with... but he seemed OK with that. I'm not sure - but I think he might have meant that he has trouble with clients that over-attach, and wants lots of extra contact?

Ugh. I don't know what to do here. Most of the other therapists that I've looked at online make me feel *blah* - completely turned off, and uninterested in talking to them. This is one of the first ones that I've felt like I might get along with as a person (maybe, I'm admittedly not 100%).

Any advice? Am I setting myself up for yet another T-failure and all the ensuing misery? I think I'm going to give him a few more sessions to see how we work together...

(Oh second red flag was that he's really new to being a T - I don't know exactly how much T-experience he has, but I'm thinking only 3-5 years. I've had so many bad experiences, I tend to think I need someone with more experience - but maybe there's a good side to a new-ish T? I feel like he might listen more and be less certain of his impressions, more willing to check things out with me and not jump to conclusions?)

Thanks!!!

I'm amazed that he said, "borderline personality disorder scares him!" I like his honesty and would talk to him a little more before deciding. Good luck!

[guilloche]

Thanks, everyone. I do think I liked him. It feels different than it has with other therapists, but I'm not 100% sure that it's going to get me through, if that makes sense?

I will probably give him a few more sessions. You're all right, I should at least do that. But, gosh, I'm nervous that he's going to end up not knowing what I'm doing and leaving me with more pain.

But, that said, he was really much more respectful of the trauma stuff, I think, then other therapists and did a good job of not pushing on it. He did give me paperwork at the end that included the list of crappy things that have happened to you, and I *exclaimed* "Oh no! Not that sheet! Why does every therapist have that sheet" and he sat down and told me that I didn't need to do most of it, because we covered a lot in the session, and to just do what I was comfortable with.

That all feels nice.

I think I'm feeling pangs of sadness about the last T. Even though it wasn't working out, it wasn't ALL bad, and I really, truly appreciate that he tried very hard to create a safe environment for me. I feel like I had a part in messing that up though, and that I may mess up this T as well (this comes from having Ts kick me out, and one T who broke down crying because she felt she wasn't able to help).

ilikecats - Thanks. That's a good point, about him being new. I *bet* the thing that scares him is the acting out part (the "I hate you!") but I don't do that.

AllHeart - Thanks. Those are good points, I'm not really sure *what* I need, since I haven't had anything that really has worked well for me in therapy so far. I'll have to give that some thought. Ugh, I don't know... it's all so hard, you know?

Any tips on how to make sure that he understands the disorganized attachment? I'm not sure that *I* understand it. I could bring him some articles to read, but I guess my worry is that understanding something academically is much different than being able to actually work with it.

SoConfused623 - I know, right! He felt much more like a real human than a lot of Ts that I've seen, and willing to use his experiences to explain things, though he seems to be aware of how that can go wrong, and told me he shares, but is careful to not make the session about him.

I'm so nervous. Therapy has just felt so *brutal* to me, and I don't know what I need. I want my life to be better. I think he might be able to help in a very academic, thinky way (which I'm OK with). I don't know that he'll be great for actually getting into feelings - which I might need at some point, but am not good at, and really not able to do until I have a good, solid connection.

I don't know. I wish there were more really *amazing* Ts out there. It's so hard though. The noise-to-signal ratio appears to be huge. At least he's smart, he likes learning new things, and he's actually giving me a break on his fees (I thought his fee was a little less than it is, because it's published on an old website of his...so he offered to go ahead and give me that fee, which is nice and will help a lot!)

Phew... thanks! He emailed me a receipt, but nothing about next sessions... but I'll give him a few days, in case he's trying to figure out next week (he said a lot of people were changing times b/c of the holiday).

Thanks!

[atisketatasket]

Gads. A therapist with a sense of honor, financially? Grab him and hold on tight.

Every time I see the thread title, "French T," I think Marcel Proust.

[growlycat]

He sounds promising! Definitely give him a try!

[ScarletPimpernel]

It's just my opinion, but a T who is scared of BPD is not very experienced or recently educated (at least in new theories). If you don't have BPD, then you might think it doesn't matter. But what I would caution is if he's inexperienced and judgmental of a common disorder, what other area is he lacking in?

[guilloche]

Thanks atisketatasket and growlycat!

And thanks Scarlet. That's my fear. That, and maybe he's "scared" (it didn't come off as judgemental, although I guess it is, technically, a judgement) because he hasn't done enough of his own work to develop that inner sense of solid-ness that lets him stay calm and feel OK, even when a client is pushing buttons. It worries, because I think I *am* really hard on Ts - not intentionally at all, but like I've said, I've had Ts kick me out, made one cry, and my most recent one has told me that I'm very challenging (and that's fine with him, he says that he likes a challenge!).

I want to give him a try anyway, b/c he feels like a better match for me than anyone else that I've ever seen!

BUT - guess what! He hasn't emailed me times for the next appointment yet! He sent me a receipt for the payment, which is great. I replied this morning saying thanks, and asking him to let me know when his schedule is settled for next week if he has time to see me, and if not, what times would work for the following week.

He might be still juggling things, he said he had a few people who were changing times and canceling next week. But... ugh. It feels like, just maybe, he had second thoughts about me, and is choosing to not respond at all (rather than email me and tell me that he thinks it's a bad fit).

It's frustrating, b/c I assume this is part of the attachment stuff that he doesn't want to deal with. But... ugh. Frustrating. And, honestly, this would be very in line with my previous T experiences!

[growlycat]

Scarlet definitely has a point. If he seems biased against people with BPd then yes be careful. I sort of read it as "I have not had experience with it therefore I am scared of my abilities to help" which is somewhat less worrisome. Someone with an open mind can learn to work with you. Hopefully he has supervision if he just started.

[guilloche]

Thanks GrowlyCat...

It sounded like genuine fear, like he was afraid that he'd be torn apart by someone with BPD. When we talked though, he seemed OK with my stuff (negative interpretations, I assured him that I don't call/email incessantly - the only time I called my last T was when he specifically asked me to re: changing times).

Re: negative interpretations, he seemed to get that, and said something like, "as long as your willing to work on them." - which yeah, of course.

I wonder if he had second thoughts though. It's weird and depressing. We ended the session (apparently a little late, b/c people were waiting outside?) and he gave me some papers to fill out, told me that he works Monday-Thursday plus Saturday (takes Fridays off), and asked if I was ok with him doing monthly invoices for receipts (yup).

I thought we left things good, but he was in a rush, so when we talked about me coming back, I thought we agreed that he'd send me some times for next week. He said something about not being sure what's going next week with people changing times and the holidays.

That's fine... but it's thursday. I sent a polite response to the receipt that he sent reminding him about sending times. And I haven't heard anything at all back yet. And, he doesn't work Fridays.

It just seems so weird. And really disappointing And I don't know him well enough to know whether he's just having trouble getting himself organized, whether he's still trying to fit in all his other clients, whether he just decided to bail and was afraid that I might turn into a hysterical mess if sent me an email saying that, or what!

I'm sad. Life is hard and I feel so old and hopeless now.