[Lemon]

So as some of you know I'm going through a divorce right now. Even though there were problems for a long time, the actual divorce process has only been going on for a couple months. I don't think anyone can be truly prepared for the actual event. Everything I read and my T says just acknowledges that I'm basically going to feel like crap right now. So, I'm thinking ok....what do I do with that information? It is strange to know that it's normal or expected to feel bad. It almost makes me feel like not taking steps to feel comforted though T always tries to find small things that I'll agree to do (workout, reading, yoga)

I have T tomorrow and I'm going to ask her about this, but curious what other people think about just knowing you're going to feel bad? Have you been in this situation and could you just accept it and wait to feel better or did you work hard to feel better even though you new it was going to take time? For some reason I find this very confusing, so sorry if this doesn't really make sense

I think that sometimes it is about knowing that it is understandable and even normal to be feeling crappy right now. It isn't that there is something abnormal about your feeling that way, the majority of people in comperable situations would feel comperably. I think the idea is that that way... You won't beat yourself up for feeling crappy. You won't feel ashamed or embarrassed or comdemning about your feeling crappy. Instead you can acknowledge the feeling - which tends to help. Beating yourself up (feeling like a freak) - tends to escalate the feeling.

What to do when you are feeling crappy and when you know that you probably will be vulnerable to feeling crappy for a while?

Self soothe and other things that take care of yourself. Exercise can help mood considerably. Socialising with people and having some kind of pleasant interaction with them can help considerably. Having some sense of routine (keeping up with that rather than withdrawing into oneself) can help considerably. Self-soothing... Little things to take care of yourself. Like how if you could imagine some idealised parent... What they would do to take care of you right now. Figuring some of that out and doing it for yourself. Talking to yourself in cooing / soothing tones. Making a hot chocolate or having ice cream. Having a decadent bubblebath with candles and a good book. Little things like that to care for yourself and to soothe yourself and to help yourself feel better.

Hang in there.

[Hopefull]

I can usually tell the deference between a normal sadness and my stuck-in-it sadness. I think T is right that it is normal to feel sad in a divorce. A divorce is very stressful and it is the end of a relationship that was very central in your life. It is sometimes seen as being like mourning a death. Despite the fact that it is normal, it does not mean that you just have to wait until things get better. You can still take little "mini-vacations" from the stress and all of the stuff that is going on right now.
I'm sorry that I can't answer your question better. I hope you have a good session with T. I hope you find a way to cope as you deal with the divorce.

[sunrise]

(((((Lemon)))))

I am a fellow divorce traveler, locked in this seemingly never-ending process. I think I feel better now than I did a while back, but a huge range of emotions comes and goes. Lots of sadness and grief. Anger. Numbness. Elation. Who knows what will manifest at any given time. My long depression is over but I know how it is to be there. Lemon, you are partway through the process. It will continue and you will make it to the other side.

It has helped me to cope by getting other things off of my plate and not trying to do too much, or even a normal amount of things. I started strongly rebelling against doing work obligations outside of work in the evenings and weekends. I stopped reading work email at home and going to evening seminars. I tried getting more sleep. If I had to take one of my girls to soccer practice, instead of dropping her off and jetting around doing 3 different errands while she played, I just stayed at her practice and read a book or slept in the car. If things got to be too much, I asked other people to do things I normally would have taken responsibility for. It helped me a lot to have fewer responsibilities and obligations. You need all your energy and resources for the divorce.

One thing that has not helped much is talking with friends and family about the divorce. They are all very negative and vitriolic and it can get to me. Everyone has the "divorce from hell" story to tell and it is not helpful to me to hear these. I need to be strong enough to take these people's negativity in order to be with them. If I am feeling too vulnerable and weak, I can't take them and change the subject or avoid being with them.

Therapy has really helped me. Lemon, I hope you can continue to see your T as frequently as you need to. It is OK to feel like crap with her! And to tell her your frustration.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I actually try to get to that lack of emotion state so I can just give T a report of what happened since I last saw her without breaking down.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I saw you wrote this in another thread. Don't be afraid to break down with your T. That's what she is there for. Breaking down with T helps relieve stress. It's OK.

Another thing that helped me was to go to couples therapy (actually uncoupling therapy) with my husband. We had 8 sessions. It wasn't a bed of roses and wasn't designed to help us fix our marriage. It was to help us end our marriage, to disentangle ourselves from each other. It really did help, even though I'm not sure I knew it was at the time. There were some things I knew I wanted from the breakup process and I think I got them. I needed them to heal. And getting them helped move me along the path. I felt more at peace with myself and my decision and the marriage's history.

I think learning what I needed to heal took a long time, but as it became clearer, I really went for it, as it seemed like the road to survival. It helped to know what I wanted and move toward it, instead of just letting events happen to me. We spent many months in therapy with me discovering the path I needed to take. If things feel too rushed, do what you can to slow them down.

I hope some of that might resonate with you. But I'm not sure if it makes sense.

(((hugs)))

[Lemon]

Sunny, Alex, Hopefull - thanks all for your thoughful responses. I'll have to come back after work and re-read everything again.

I think that it is true that some people need to know that it is normal to feel a certain way. My T makes this comment to me occasionally. For me, I don't really worry about if something isn "normal" or not. I don't mind being slightly abnormal, so it is not comforting, but just good information to know.

Alex, you and Sunny both had nice self soothing suggestions. I can feel the calmness in them. Unfortunatley when I feel my worst, those things seem to gentle to me and other less positive actions seems to be more appealing. (some SI and the like). Self soothing takes time and the effect isn't immediate. Normally I'm a patient person, almost to a fault, but lately I can't be patient with myself. I haven't given up I will continue to listen to those suggestions from this board and my T. One day at a time and see what happens.

Hopefull, you are right I've read in several places that a divorce is very similar to morning a death. That seems to resonate with me.

It is interesting how talking with friends helps some but not others. It hasn't really helped me. Co-workers/friends don't seem to completely understand the time it will take to feel "better". (Sunny - so true! I am in no mood to hear other's divorce stories from hell). They seem to equate my ability to do the work of getting a divorce with me actually feeling good/postive. Those are very separate things for me. I can do paperwork for days and still feel depressed. My T has said that is not true for some people, that they are immobilized by the depression.

((hugs of thanks)) to you all. I'll see what T says this afternoon.

[WinterRose]

I believe it is true that divorce (really any separation or loss - for me anyways) requires mourning. I read someone state that divorce is harder than widowhood. If you are the reading type, you might find some comfort in "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" at some point in the future. Abandonment isn't often looked at as a process like grief, but it is very much the same - even harder because the other person is still alive.

My T often tells me that therapy is going to make me feel bad - it's the work we are doing. I think this is to encourage me to hang in there and not get discouraged. It has often been said that the only way out is through. I think you just have to make it through. One day at a time is a good motto. The suggestion of not rushing is very good and so is the idea not to beat yourself up over it. I hope you find some actions you can take to find comfort during this hard time.

(((Lemon)))