My mother was here last night, i had such a hard time being around her. Felt like i wanted to get away from her.

Meanwhile, i kept having vivid fantasies of my therapist sitting on the sofa and chair where my mother kept sat on and off throughout the night.

He replaced her. When i had the fantasies, he was sitting there engaging with everyone, and i had an incredibly strong pull to go over and snuggle with him, lean on his shoulder.

I survived this far, the hard part is over.

I use to do that a lot. Secure base type thinking. Is good we have a point of safe reference.

[unaluna]

I was just fantasizing a merry xmas phone call from my t. He calls some years, i cant remember if he called last year. I do remember that the last time he called, i thought he called because HE was lonely. Talk about transference. The past two years we've been working on the idea that therapy is for ME, not for him. What a concept, right? But when nothing is yours - not your body, not your brain, not your money, not your abilities - well, nothing is yours, period. So my fantasy phone call today just consisted of me saying, "how nice to hear from you" - but still having the impulse to ask if everything was alright with him. I'm alone, he has a houseful of family and friends, and I'm worried about him? How hostile is that? Its transference. My mother could have EVERYTHING - and still want to take from me.

Book 3 of elena ferrantes neapolitan quadrilogy(?) shows this painful jealous mother daughter relationship. In this and other parts where the mother goes off, I felt like i was home. I mean, it really FELT like HOME in my BODY.

I often fantasized about doing interesting things with my last therapist, traveling together, for example. Sometimes the fantasies felt obsessive but mostly they were comforting and pleasant. I think that as long as we don't use the fantasizing excessively to escape and avoid real things, and we don't fool ourselves into believing they will or can happen, it can be quite positive, like an internal soothing mechanism and safe place that does not require external influence in the moment, only memories of it and our imagination. For example, I sometimes imagined him as my brother. I don't have siblings or much family at all at this point so it can be comforting even knowing the fantasies have no real perspective. I also often wondered if I should share the fantasies with the T... sometimes I did, other times kept them to myself.

[growlycat]

I've been thinking about my t all Xmas too. Mom sleeps 18 hours a day and it wish I could talk to my therapist right now.

I must admit I thought about my T also.Was trying to imagine what holidays are like at his house.He once told me he lived a 'pampered' life,so I really can't even imagine what that's like.

I wonder about my T too. She probably has had a lovely time. She's got loving immediate and extended family, and many friends whose company she enjoys.

I was thinking about my t all day yesterday. Kept wanting to text her to say Merry Christmas but also fantasizing that she would text it to me instead. Of course neither happened. I wouldn't allow myself and she was of course busy with her actual life of which I am not a part.

[Elio]

Fantasizing about t's life - As part of my "get well" program I take these hour plus long walks. I have a pretty set number of paths for my walks. Along one of my paths, this past summer/fall a nice house sold. For some ungodly reason, I fantasize about t having purchased that house. At first the thought was about running into her there, wanting to run into her there, and realizing I would have to change my walking path to avoid intruding on her life. Then it was, would I be able to not stock her at her house if I knew that was where she lived.

Well, yesterday as I did my walk, I saw in the window their Christmas tree and thought about t in that house. Her around that tree and her friends/family around her, and the warmth/love in the house. It's bizarre to me that I think, imagine, fantasize about this and find comfort, some wishing I was there, but I don't think there is jealous that she is there and they get her. I think that is because I recognize I get therapy t, which no matter how genuine she is, I do not see angry t, tired/exhausted t, short tempered t, busy t, worried t, scared t, ... and because of that I have a warm bubble sense of t. So when I fantasize about her, it is in that sense of the warm bubble t, almost tv land like situations - the brady bunch, leave it to beaver... perfect images, perfect life, perfect love. Not realistic at all , so I think I'm good with my fantasies staying fantasies.

PS - I did image google her yesterday to see her picture again. I just wanted to see her. Maybe I should just save off the one I really love that way I don't have to google her to see it.

I was just thinking of spending Christmas with my t. I wonder what it's like. Does she drink too much eggnog and get nasty. I wonder if she opened my presents and if she liked them. I half expected a text to say thank you and how thoughtful but I should know better. My t keeps asking me if I had fantasies about her. I always say no but truth is I spend all of my time thinking and fantasising about her. She asked me if I fantasised about my ex t. I said I was too embarrassed to tell her, I wondered if she was jealous and would like me to fantasise about her.

[junkDNA]

i did think about my T. i imagined him with his young step daughters, watching them open their presents. he texted me in the morning and said merry christmas , and i hope you have a good day. i said thanks, you too