How do I become unattached?

Many of you know about the problems I've had with my first therapist, and they don't seem to be getting any better. In fact, at times I feel like my issues with her hold me back. I have a second therapist who is excellent! But that doesn't get rid of the attachment I feel with my first therapist. I am looking for suggestions from anyone who is been in the same boat. I know I could just stop seeing her cold turkey, but I'm not ready for that. How do I help myself remove this attachment I feel with my therapist? Apparently something is working, because she said during my last session that she felt I was more distant. I don't know exactly what I'm doing, I just want to help myself reduce this attachment with her so terminating won't be quite so painful. I can't do it cold turkey right now. That I know, so I'm looking for suggestions to help me accomplish what I need to accomplish first.

Recite to yourself, during session and every time you think of her, all the negative things she has done and said to you. The taking away of touch, no I love you's, the phone, creating a situation where you became addicted to something to deal with it...the catalog of things the woman has done seems endless. Ignore any good things. Attempts at objectivity will just keep you trapped.

Haven't done this with a therapist, but it helps when gearing up to break up with someone.

I've had to detach myself from a few Ts. It was very hard but was doable because I had another T like you do. I spent many sessions talking about my former T. Have you talked with T2 about T1? I would think that's the best way. I attached to my new T when I switched each time.
One of my Ts always said it was unethical to see someone if they aren't progressing or going over new material, that just continuing therapy because you're attached or obsessed with your T wasn't right. After a certain number of years. I don't know if I agree, but if you aren't getting anything out of it, but you can't leave, maybe try cutting down sessions gradually. I know it's not easy. I don't want to think about leaving my T but I know she wants me to be able to.

Maybe try weaning yourself away little by little, if you're not ready for cold turkey? Identify the things that make you feel connected to her and stop doing those things one at a time. Distance your sessions farther apart. Reduce the time you spend with her and thinking about her. If you find yourself wanting her, redirect yourself to other activities or distractions. Replace her with something healthier for you. And when it hurts, just grieve it.

I'm not sure there's a way of leaving a painful relationship without enduring further pain, honestly. I have never attached to a therapist, but I've had to leave some terrible toxic relationships. Cold turkey has been the most effective way of ending it in my experience but it does suck. You just kind of have to acknowledge the terribleness and keep going. With my worst one, I was able to do it because I had just started graduate school and all my focus had to be on deadlines and research. It kept me going.

I'm sorry you're in this position and you deserve better. Good luck.

I wish I knew. I am so very attached to my current t, I can't even imagine.

I tried continuously reminding myself that it was a therapeutic relationship and that I was just another client. I reminded myself that I was nothing to her before my sessions and nothing to her at any point. I had to be realistic about it. It's not an easy process and my attachment hasn't completely disappeared but when it feels stronger I just make a mental note.

I think Sarmas makes a good point but I'd also think of it as she didn't mean anything to you before you started seeing her and you'll survive if she suddenly couldn't work with you. Think about how you would cope if she fell ill or moved away, what supports would you use, how would you fill your time and how would you process that ending.

Ending with her will hurt, that's normal in a caring relationship - there's nothing wrong with you and reflects what she has given you that's filled a need despite the bits that have been damaging. I don't think you'll get to a place where ending doesn't hurt and maybe just accepting that it's hard will help you pull away? I guess the reality is you're hurting already, pulling yourself out may hurt but can it be worse than the repeated hurt you experience in that relationship.

Maybe start reducing sessions - are you still seeing her twice a week? Bring that back to one per week then to once a fortnight and use the time to do something for you. Think about what you can use the extra time for, maybe something that matters to you.

Maybe there's a grieving job to be done that can't be done while she's still in your week. Every week?

Hi Musing. I became unattached by being terminated. I don't recommend it. You've mentioned getting treatment for an addiction of some kind. Can you apply what you learned (and are learning) from that process to this therapist? Because every time you have posted about her since the big rupture (and even before), your therapy sounded/felt toxic. Staying engaged with her would be like an alcoholic trying to get sober by drinking vodka.

Anyway, if I had seen what was coming in my own situation, I don't honestly know how I would have broken away, but having another therapist whom I liked and was helpful would have been my best shot--to see them more than the toxic one and then just cut it off. You said you can't go cold turkey, but I'm not familiar with addictions to know if it's possible to do any other way.

I sure do wish you well. Keep posting. We all want the best for you in this, and it's hard to see you drowning in that person's toxic waste.

Yeah. I would redefine or restate the problem.

It's probably not what you wanted to hear, but when I was in a t relationship that became just retraumatizing each session (2 per week) I had to just quit. Spacing out more would have just made me (speaking only for myself) long for ex T more of the week. To do it, I held the thought that continuing was hurting me, and that no matter when I quit, it would hurt.

It was very hard. I am sorry you are going thru this.

If you have obsessive/addictive tendencies... perhaps it is truly best to define an end point and stop cold turkey... then treat your uneasiness after, with the other T. You may not feel ready to just leave the toxic therapist, but do we ever feel ready to quit an addictive behavior? Waiting for a time to be ready for that might turn out much more destructive than the discomfort felt about stopping.

I had a T in the past who was not a good fit for me and was actually feeding (not causing!) my addiction. I am still very glad that I did not give in to his manipulations, left and found a new T who was actually helpful with my obsessive tendencies and provided a positive, reliable relationship instead of stress and discomfort. It was uncomfortable for a while when I left the first T but nothing too severe and it dissipated rather quickly. I think if I had tried to just see him less often, that would not have helped to move me out of a mostly negative and unhelpful context. Much like the feature that most people who are addicted to a substance can only truly get better with complete abstinence. Which is of course very challenging to achieve but as you know, probably the only viable solution.

Increase the space between sessions. Go every other week, then every three weeks. This usually decreasee transference.

Last time I asked him for this arrangememt though, he said I'd be wasting my money going less than weekly, that there would be no point in going at all.

...although the benefits of stopping abruptly could be avoidance of further, but unnecessary, pain.

If you therapist said abusive things to you in the past, maybe there is a likelihood that she would deliberatly say hurtful things to you during a final session, like if she were to become defensive, blame you for the therapy failure, or act cold as a power play to ensure she is 'one up' at a final session.

My difficulty was obedience and self-abnegation rather than affection. However it was a powerful attachment, likely similar to being in, then leaving a cult.

Helpful: Deflating my deification by understanding my therapist in human terms, as a junior high then college student, visualizing his training and his own self-doubts setting up a practice, seeing him in his morning routine, understanding his behavior as defensiveness rather than superiority or wondrousness.

Also: diving into life. Though unplanned, I made many life-changing expansive changes after leaving my most destructive therapy. They kept me busy and challenged. (I succeeded in this transition.) Setting and meeting goals, trying new things got my thinking out of this destructive relationship and back to life.

Sometimes a set-back can spark a new adventure. Best finding a path.

im so attached to my therapist, its stupid. he gives me crumbs and i take them and savor them... then ive used them up and want more. i keep going back for more, ill always go back. letting go feels almost impossible. i wish he would just tell me to **** off

you arent alone in this feeling

Detatching from Madame T was like a divorce! (No offence to those who have had real divorces.). It's been four years and it still hurts.