Of course I am dying to see T tomorrow. However, he will be gone the next week. And this is my very last time of seeing him twice per week. When he gets back the week after next, I will be back to one session per week. I do have the option of taking the hour and a half session on Fridays which is a good thing; however, it doesn't serve the same purpose as 2x per week. Seeing him Tuesdays and Fridays really does help maintain a sense of object constancy and connection. So I sort of don't even want to see him tomorrow just because of what the session represents to me. And this is fresh after the whole "I want you to hold me" thing, combined with the fact that I am just in the middle of a very, very rough cycle right now... Blah. I have often expressed to him, the difficulties of reducing the sessions to once per week. This is the 2nd time this has occurred. But I have never discussed how much I hate it when he's gone for the week. This is partly because he is rarely gone for a week. It normally happens once around Christmas, then maybe one or two other holidays. But when we do have to skip a week, I am dying inside. I never share that with him. He knows, I'm sure. The same way he told me that he already knew I wanted him to hold me/hug me. Today has been a long, rough day, which was only briefly enlightened by discovering that Reese's put out limited edition Elvis "King Size" peanut butter and banana cream cups. Of course I purchased them. And I spoke with T on the phone today. I have no idea what he said. I was driving home from work when he called and he said, "Do you want me to call you back when you get home?" And I said "no" but I really meant "yes".... so I was distracted while talking with him and the connection wasn't the best. What is wrong with me? I think my object constancy and fear of abandonment is so bad that I thought that if I didn't talk to him at that moment I would lose him... that if I told him to call me later it would be too risky. I am just thankful that I start school again next week. It is good timing. A good distraction from a week without T. The combination of school, internship, and work should move the week by quickly. But then I have to wait the entire following week for Friday to come.

[MissCharlotte]

Oh Pinksoil,

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But I have never discussed how much I hate it when he's gone for the week.

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Well, maybe you can tell him now! On my last appointment before our break, I flat out told T I didn't want him to go...that I felt so attached to him. Maybe if you can find a way to tell him it will help you stay attached while he's gone? Just a thought.

It's good that you are going back to school--my new job has kept me so busy this week and that has helped me a lot.

Good luck tomorrow.

[Gracey]

Hey Pink,

Would it be possible. . .if, of course you shared it with him. . .that he could call you during the week? I know it isn't the same, but sometimes different is good. Sometimes different can make up for the lack. Perhaps asking for a couple of calls during the week, when he can dedicate 10 minutes each time would help you make it through to Fridays.

Is that a possibility at all for you?

I'm sad today.

T in 8 hrs.

Then no T for a whole week.

Then back to one session per week.

I either want to stay with him forever or don't want to see him at all today.

Oh, me and my extremes.

[lauren_helene]

Pink, ask him to call you while he's away, he'll do it for you.

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pinksoil said:


I'm sad today.

T in 8 hrs.

Then no T for a whole week.

Then back to one session per week.

I either want to stay with him forever or don't want to see him at all today.

Oh, me and my extremes.

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((((pinksoil)))

I'm sorry I can relate,...2 sessions weekly does help...you hang in there ok? I care.
Dustin

[pachyderm]

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pinksoil said:

Then no T for a whole week.

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My T went away for one week recently. When he came back he was clearly interested in whether I had missed him. I have group with him too, and he asked the others if they missed him. By that time I had thought of a good rejoinder: NO WAY! But in fact I piped up with "Did you miss us?" He said no. He was enjoying his vacation too much to do that.

I'm leaving in like a half hour. Feeling a bit sad. Nervous that we won't connect. You see, I tend to get mad. I get mad so I don't have to deal with the less favorable feelings of abandonment, hurt, emptiness, etc. So I'm afraid that I am going to get angry at him and it's going to screw up the connection. I don't want to walk out of there angry either, though. So my defense isn't really working. Because I want to walk out safe and connected. But since I am afraid of abandonment, hurt, and emptiness, I choose anger because it's easier. Yea, it's easier to act out anger rather than sit there exploring the other stuff, but none of it's going to feel good when I walk out and don't see him for 2 weeks. The anger isn't going to make me feel a connection or a sense of object constancy when he's gone. I better tell him all of this as soon as I walk in before I lose regulation of my emotions.

[debbie_tabor]

((((((((((((((((Pinksoil))))))))))))))))