New year, new t

I have this inner image coming up of a wise woman with healing powers living deep in the forest

the more I read about your first session with this new T the more I like her already. I truly hope that this relationship is as powerful and healing in the long run!
A big hug for you, Mona.

I really, really like that this new T understands complex trauma and attachment, and that she said all feelings are welcome.

Thank you all, I think it's a really good choice for me because if I had of stayed with ex t I would have gone mad. At times I felt that she was trying to make me go mad.
I believe my new t is very genuine. She is so lovely and so the opposite of ex t that that has to be good right? I still have an appointment with ex t on Thursday morning, i keep changing my mind about going and telling her what I think about her or not going and never explaining anything to her. I don't think I could do that after three years together. She deserves a proper ending.

Really happy for you Mona. id like a therapist like her too. I hope you stay with her!

If you dont mind saying, what differences did she describe?

YOU deserve a proper ending and therapy is about you. I hope you get the ending you hope for because to date she doesn't seem that she will do what you deserve.

Mona, I'm very happy for you and like the sound of your new T! If you want to go to your last session because YOU want to, you should go. But, you should do what's best for you not your ex-T.... Good luck with whatever you decide.

I agree with SoConfused. I don't think you will get much comfort, if any, from a final visit with your other T, but if you think you may regret not going, then I think you should. She will wonder if you just fail to show up, won't she? I'm so glad you found this new T!

Well that she is an anxious ambivalent and I am avoidant so sometimes she may appear clingy or needy and that I may get frightened of this and pull away. That sounds simplistic but as she was describing it it made perfect sense.

So I went to my session today. I told t that I had gone to see anew t. She started crying. I really didn't expect that. She said she was very sad that I couldn't talk to her first. She asked why. I told her because of her need to mock me and make fun of me, to tell me I am whining and because she hasn't been very supportive of me lately. She is always busy. T argued with me in that. I said I hadn't seen her in over a month now yet she has been back to work for the last two weeks but could only see me now. She said she felt sad that I couldn't reach out and ask for more support from her. I said how can I do that when it doesn't even feel safe to talk in session. Tears welled up again. She said only did all of that because she cared, she cared too much and pushed me too hard. I really felt guilty because I could that deep down she cared. I couldn't look her on the eye and she asked me to look at her. She said what can I do to fix this Mona? I said it was too late. She said she was very sorry about how it had turned out. She admitted her frustration at being stuck and tried to push me too hard. She asked if there was anyway this could work, I said no unless she morphed into my new t. She asked what was so special about new t. I said she really gets me, she tries to hear me and doesn't judge or push. T said we need to be pushed and I said yes, a gentle nudge not a push over the cliff.
T looked heartbroken she asked me to look her in the eye and I couldn't because she was crying. I felt so guilty walking out the door. I just wish she could have shown me some of that passion sooner and maybe we could have worked something out.

you are so very strong

Mona, I applaud you for sticking with your decision and not being tempted to go back to this T. As I was reading I kept thinking "uh oh" but you did it! You were honest and upfront and said what you had to say!! That is amazing!!!!

Your T couldn't have faked those tears. It's too bad she couldn't have worked on herself so she could have been a better T for you. She sounds sincere but sometimes that's not good enough.

How do you feel now? I think it would be normal to have mixed feelings but you did good.

I've wanted to post those dancing chillis for a while now!

That's really awesome. The more knowledge, the more power. This also allows you to adjust your expectations accordingly, as well as have empathy and understanding for her struggles that may arise.

(Also wondering if this is the dynamic with me and my therapist as I am anxious ambivalent, mostly, with him. I wonder if he is more avoidant)

Ugh, all i can do is roll my eyes in disgust at your T. she really is not well, because it is RIDICULOUS for her to immediately start crying when you said you saw another T. UGH.

But on that note..good for you for staying strong!

Good for you! I am sorry you felt so bad leaving exT, but please remember that you did try to talk to her about needing support and gentleness and she would reply that you needed to be pushed. She shamed you. She yelled at you. None of those things are ok and she should not need feedback from you to know that they are not ok.

I hope you feel strong and peaceful and in charge of your own well being.

This reminded me of a passage I read about narcissistic people. (It's about moms but applies here i think)

I hope you can stop feeling guilty and see her for the manipulator she is.

Wow! Wow!! You are my hero! Great for you!!!

Stay strong Mona hugs and healing. Let us know how your appointment goes with new T.

I didn't see this before, had to come back to comment because-this is really something to celebrate Monalisa!

The whole situation sounds so bittersweet for you, but you are doing something good for yourself.

It's ok to mourn someone who has been hurtful, too, as she probably didn't have the ability to be a better therapist, to anyone. But she was still a part of your life and you can still remember some good that came from your relationship.

Mona, you can mourn the good parts of T while recognizing she has been hurting you for a very long time, and hasn't been healthy for your well-being.

I truly hope you can heal with new T.

Wow, Mona, that was so brave and just so many levels of flippin' awesome!

You've given (old) T endless opportunities to "fix this" and she didn't listen or show willingness to engage with your concerns, needs, feelings, questions. There is pushing and then there is whatever the heck she was doing - so much of what she said to you just seemed cruel and un-therapeutic.

New T sounds like a better fit for you and i hope the two of you do great work together.

Thank you everyone for all of your support, it's not easy and every minute of the day I think about t and wonder if I have made the right decision. I don't think the loss has hit me yet. I dreamt about her last night being lost and alone in the dessert and I wanted to ring her and tell her I made a mistake but I didn't, instead I went to my appointment with new t and talked to her about it.