Homework: stop apologizing.

Finally a homework assignment from Kashi. He is lovely but not very directive so this is a good thing.

I apologize reflexively over every little thing. He wants me to notice when and how often I do it. And what else can I say instead if the situation does not call for an apology.

Anyone have this issue and have you worked on it?

As a Canadian. Yes! ��

But seriously, I used to work in customer services where apologies were part of the uniform. I'd usually start all conversations with 'unfirtunaly' or 'I'm sorry but' or 'I'd like to apologize for.' In my current job, I just give facts and catch myself when wanting to apologize. I try to think about it this way: I didn't do anything to warrant an apology; I'm just giving out the information that was asked if me.
Good luck!

I like these suggestions and feel better when I use them!

T is constantly telling me to stop apologizing, "No apologies here!" My h tells me I apologize too much too. I apologize for everything.... all the time. Have ever since I was little. So I relate! Have the guiltiest of consciouses ever I guess. I'd blame it on my job where we are REQUIRED by Quality to apologize to callers....even when it doesn't feel like they're upset about anything, it's like we have to try to find something. But I digress. I can't blame it solely on my job because I've b een this way forever and I haven't found anything that helps me not do it yet! Still working on that. I'm gonna look at the link Skeksi posted.

I'm glad Kashi gave you a homework assignment cuz it sounds like you wanted one!

Yeah, me. I think it was an excuse me for living attotude that i came by honestly. Ya know, my mother had guilt issues that she dumped on me, so i apologized for everything - bumping into inanimate objects, etc. For wanting breakfast or lunch - anything that was a burden to her. Hmm, i hadnt realized that until just now. A burden, or a privilege that i had as a result of being an american, i need to apologize for, cuz she hates me for it. Geez so heavy and i havent even had coffee yet. I have had chocolate tho. I stopped apologizing about that recently!

Over-apologizing is a defense tactic. How about stopping cold turkey for a week? Most of us don't do that many things we should apologize for anyway.

Eta: I'm having chocolate for breakfast!

I used to do this all the time. I've even apologized for apologizing. The comments are enlightening, however. I agree, at least from my perspective for myself, that when I do this I am apologizing for existing. I have a systemic intrinsic sense of wrongness that I haven't been able to get rid of, I think the apologizing behavior is a manifestation of that.

Yes i apologize for apologizing too

I think that apologizing excessively is sometimes also a cry for attention as it puts the person who apologizes in the center. Maybe instead of focusing on the self and perceived wrongdoings, talk about thoughts and ideas how to improve the situation in a factual, more objective manner. That might actually lead to something constructive (proposing improvements and solutions) instead of simply just acknowledging that something is not right and debating whose fault it is. This strategy won't work in every context but I think can be used in many.

The other good tactic is to wait and think before saying something driven by a momentary feeling or impulse. Just like when we discuss things about the therapist-client relationship here on PC, it can become more obvious upon reflection that it's not our fault or not entirely. I think too much apologizing is also often an attempt to please someone else when we don't know what else to do. Again, focusing on the facts instead of persons and blame might help some.

I used to do this all the time. I've found as I've become more confident and comfortable in my own skin, it has become much less of an issue. I think over-apologizing for me had to do with fear of disapproval and self-consciousness.

Also for me i have learned it is sometimes an attempt to somehow control the other person's reactions because anger is such a scary thing other's or mine

I apologize for many reasons and most of them I am good with not changing. However, this is the one I wish I could change - apologizing for my existence.

Slowly, I am learning that it is ok to do/have or whatever is the trigger for that feeling. Slowly, excruciatingly slow.

That's a tough one, I do that a lot as well. I think it's because I had very demanding parents with bad tempers. Apologizing was definitely a defensive thing, growing up. If my parents were off on a tear or in a bad mood, I wouldn't get the support and care I needed. Anytime someone is angry or upset, I tend to apologize even if it has nothing to do with me because that's my go-to for regaining peace in the atmosphere...I've gotten better about it at work but still do it a lot with my mother.

I think a lot of people deal with the same issue. It might also be a self esteem or confidence thing? I have really bad self esteem.

Good luck with your homework! Hope you get something positive from it!

Anger is also a big deal for me. Thank you for saying this because I don't think I've come to that thought. I'll have to mill it over and see if it fits me too.

I don't usually apologize for most things - usually because I am not sorry for what ever it is. I do find it annoying when people apologize/use apologizing language for things which they had nothing to do with, are not really sorry, or are just saying it because it seems like they want to be reassured without directly saying so. It has always seemed a bit passive/aggressive to me.
I do find hearing about those of you who do it useful because it helps me not have such a strong negative reaction to those in my life who do it and to have more patience with them.

My homework would be to stop telling people to f&@k off

Fun website, thanks

Great responses thank you all. I do think that over apologizing annoys a lot of people who don't do it. It feels very compulsive to me and I have a hard time controlling it. I like the idea of a delayed response or trying not to apologize at all if possible. Fighting and arguing is scary to me too and if feels reflexive when I say I'm sorry. I'd do anything to avoid conflict. Growing up my parents always seemed angry with me and I was always apologizing for existing, using resources etc. this is going to be a hard thing for me to change but I'm trying.

I have that issue too! T will joke that she'll charge me a dollar for every "I'm sorry" I say, and then I'll right away go "I'm sorry for saying "I'm sorry" "!

I feel like I shouldn't exist, and my parents would get really angry at the slightest things like having a tone they didn't like. I often feel really guilty because my older siblings resented me, especially my older brother.