[Soccer mom]

I am a nervous mess right now anticipating giving my ex-T. a letter today or tomorrow (after I get up the nerve to text her). It's been awhile since I posted. I was terminated September of 2015 and was a complete mess. I never understood my feelings towards her and was crushed when she terminated me. My new/current therapist has worked with me over the past year and I've realized how much my ex-T. had no idea how to help me. I've also learned that she was emotionally abusive to me in a subtle way.

I now see her at school sports because our kids are somewhat on the same team. She has been very friendly and we have gotten along great. However, my truth isn't showing. I don't want to hurt her but I feel I can't move on until I share my experience with her.

So, I've written her a letter explaining my experience. I've had a few friends and my therapist read it and they all say it is worded very well and shouldn't upset her. She used to always say I wanted to name my feelings and put them in a box and that she was going to send me a box or a bow to my house. In the letter I've described the letter as the bow on the box in which I'll put this experience.

Anyway, I'm extremely nervous. I know that she could be totally fine or not talk to me again. But, I feel strongly that I should share my experience. I finally have a voice to what was going on inside me.

Just sharing as I could use some encouragement/support today!

[rainbow8]

I think you need to do what you "need to do" for closure with your ex-T. I don't think she will stop talking to you. She may even see it as a sign of growth that you are able to verbalize your feelings. Hopefully, she will remain friendly when you see her at school sports. Good luck!

[unaluna]

Why not call her for an appointment to discuss it? That way you both get to talk, it might feel less like an attack. Cuz, why exactly are you worried about her being angry with you? How would you like it if she used the same opportunity to give you a "the last word" letter? KWIM? You might feel better to have the last word undisputed, but why should she read your letter? If i were a t, i dont think i would. What good would come of it?

Eta - what would it MEAN if you cannot convince her you are right? Does it mean you are wrong? Or does it mean she is different from you?

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Why not call her for an appointment to discuss it? That way you both get to talk, it might feel less like an attack. Cuz, why exactly are you worried about her being angry with you? How would you like it if she used the same opportunity to give you a "the last word" letter? KWIM? You might feel better to have the last word undisputed, but why should she read your letter? If i were a t, i dont think i would. What good would come of it?

Eta - what would it MEAN if you cannot convince her you are right? Does it mean you are wrong? Or does it mean she is different from you?

What good could come of it would be the therapist actually getting told how they screwed up. Perhaps they might learn something and not screw someone else up. Plus sometimes it is just good to tell someone, even a therapist, how they did wrong. And not discuss it - just tell them and go on. Sometimes it is useful to not be "a nice girl" or a "good girl" - why bother caring if a therapist feels attacked? Take the opportunity to have the last word can be very empowering to some.

Good luck with it OP

[unaluna]

Right, as long as it happens to other people. A couple of days? Waterboarding should be legal by then, yay.

[Soccer mom]

I don't have to convince her of my reality or who is right/wrong. There are things we both did that contributed to the relationship failing. And, in the letter I invite her to call me if she wishes. This letter ends the entire experience for me and gives her an opportunity to understand.
Actually, talking might put her on the defensive. I plan to say a few words when I give it to her and the letter ends very positively. I have had two other therapists tell me they would be open to such a letter as they would want to know what was going on with me during the time and how they could have helped. If she doesn't see it that way, then she's in the wrong profession.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Right, as long as it happens to other people. A couple of days? Waterboarding should be legal by then, yay.

Whatever. You and I will never agree.

I think it is a good idea to give the therapist the letter. I wish OP good luck

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Why not call her for an appointment to discuss it? That way you both get to talk, it might feel less like an attack....

The OP didn't describe it as an attack, and she reports that others who reviewed it didn't take it that way. Why put something into this that's not there?

[Erebos]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Right, as long as it happens to other people. A couple of days? Waterboarding should be legal by then, yay.

This confused me, but I can be a bit slow so I will assume I missed something.

OP, I am not a therapist but I have work in an environment where my action s impacted directly on the client. Feedback for me was vital, and although not always easy to hear usually it's constructive.
I would forewarn her what it's concerning so she doesn't feel blindsided.

Whatever happens I wish you all the best.

P.s apologies for my ignorance,.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Erebos

This confused me, but I can be a bit slow so I will assume I missed something.

OP, I am not a therapist but I have work in an environment where my action s impacted directly on the client. Feedback for me was vital, and although not always easy to hear usually it's constructive.
I would forewarn her what it's concerning so she doesn't feel blindsided.

Whatever happens I wish you all the best.

P.s apologies for my ignorance,.

Pretty sure the waterboarding refers to the inauguration taking place Friday in the US (ugh...). I see you're in UK, so you might not know exactly when that's happening. He's expressed support for that torture technique in the past...

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

The OP didn't describe it as an attack, and she reports that others who reviewed it didn't take it that way. Why put something into this that's not there?

I took her nervousness over accosting a person at a public event as attacking. The t is there as a parent, not a t. Boundaries, remember?

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by unaluna

I took her nervousness over accosting a person at a public event as attacking. The t is there as a parent, not a t. Boundaries, remember?

What did I say that gave you the impression I would be accosting her in a public place? We are very cordial and friendly with each other. I would be giving her this letter at her office, not a public place. How she chooses to respond to me at the next public place is her choice based on her maturity. After I talk to her she will know that I've been nothing but friendly towards her after writing this letter, so she should not view it as accosting her.

[unaluna]

So youre showing up at her office without an appointment? My t happened to mention this recently - he was not in favor.

Eta - and really, it did sound like you were gonna give her the letter at a game.

This is really difficult. I hope it helps bring you closure.

Best of luck to you Soccer Mom.

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by unaluna

I took her nervousness over accosting a person at a public event as attacking. The t is there as a parent, not a t. Boundaries, remember?

Again...why are you putting something into this that isn't there?

[unaluna]

I just see it differently. If you want to talk to a t about t stuff, you make an appointment. Otherwise they get to be humans like anybody else. I dont get what the big deal is.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

Again...why are you putting something into this that isn't there?

Why arent you seeing stg that is clearly there? Its not like the t asked for a review. The OP is conflicted.

[atisketatasket]

Um...I don't get why you just don't mail the letter? Send it certified mail if you want to be sure she got it. I don't see why it has to be in person, in whatever context - public event, showing up at her office. And I frankly would not pay a therapist who hurt me for an appointment. (And I also don't think anyone can predict how she'll react.)

But I DO think you should express your experience and wish you luck.

[Soccer mom]

I have texted her asking if I can stop by her office. She has another job other than therapy in which I used that business's services so they know me. She has texted me back and everything is going fine.

If you'll look at my original post, I asked for support. This is not a time I need people questioning my decision or actions.

[unaluna]

Im sorry. I hope everything works out.

[ruh roh]

Hi Una,

I guess I was bothered that you referred to a letter that the OP has taken a lot of care to craft, and to end on a positive note, as attacking. So, what I saw you putting into this positive effort was the concept of attacking. I felt bad for her. That is all I meant.

Good luck to you, Soccermom. I know this has been a long time coming and a lot of work.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

Hi Una,

I guess I was bothered that you referred to a letter that the OP has taken a lot of care to craft, and to end on a positive note, as attacking. So, what I saw you putting into this positive effort was the concept of attacking. I felt bad for her. That is all I meant.

Good luck to you, Soccermom. I know this has been a long time coming and a lot of work.

I feel bad for the op too! But for different reasons? I feel like ive been there, done that, and wish i hadnt. Thats the reason for my negativity.

More like when your parents say, "go ahead and jump in the lake after all your friends if you think its a good idea - i cant stop you. I hope im wrong". thats my dad word for word! I do hope im wrong.

I allow myself to be wrong once a year. I like when i get it out of the way early in the year, that way i know im always right the whole rest of the year! (and i wonder why i got fired so often?)

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by unaluna

I feel bad for the op too! But for different reasons? I feel like ive been there, done that, and wish i hadnt. Thats the reason for my negativity.


More like when your parents say, "go ahead and jump in the lake after all your friends if you think its a good idea - i cant stop you. I hope im wrong". thats my dad word for word! I do hope im wrong.


I allow myself to be wrong once a year. I like when i get it out of the way early in the year, that way i know im always right the whole rest of the year! (and i wonder why i got fired so often?)

So...you have your faults, but being wrong is not one of them?

Best of luck soccer mom and I hope your ex t will be able to hear your truth without being defensive or accusatory.

[CantExplain]

My experience with explaining things to Madame T is that she never really listened, let alone changed her mind.