i am thinking of quitting therapy altogether.

My T lied. He said he would never do anything deliberately to produce anxiety, but he changed the rules. He made a choice "in my best interests." i don't know what to feel or think. i don't know who he is, where i am... i don't know anything. He was supposed to be my reference point that i could count on... when nothing else is reliable.

i feel sick. My world is too fragile for him to not be solid.

i have no one now.

feel abandoned and rejected. can't believe in him. i feel so guilty. it was good and i ruined it.

there is comfort in one thing.. one thing which makes it all real and makes me forget the searing pain in my heart.... that jagged blade calls my name and it tells me it will always be there. i can always count on turning to that to make everything else go away.

[amuseable]

((((((((Gerber))))))))) I so hear your pain. Do you want to share more details about what happened? Also, are you able to phone your T and ask for clarification if you feel a need to? Mind you, sometimes it feels like there is just nothing they can say to possibly make the situation any better because the pain is just that bad. We are all so fragile Gerber. I know what it is like to barely be hanging onto this world by a thread. YOU ARE NOT ALONE THOUGH. %#@&#!, we are all in this %#@&#! together! I am holding you in my thoughts friend.

the issue was about calling.. so calling now is out of the question. i told him i would never call him and he asked if i meant ever... and i think i do. It's not safe anymore.

i am beyond feeling rejected now.

i can't turn to him when the issue *is* him.

i needed to be able to turn to him to prevent me from turning to other sources of comfort. Now what am i to do? There is nowhere else to turn except back to what i had beenworking to get out of..

this is exactly why i was leary of trusting him.

[amuseable]

Ah, I get it. That is brutal. It happened to me once before. How about writing a letter??? Anything to get your feelings out? You feel betrayed. I can understand that. Your T should have explained to you why he/she thought this change was in your interest. I mean, what was he/she trying to achieve by the change? Do you have any idea?

so far i have written about 8 pages of rambling nonsense. i am not giving him any of it. how could i?

how can i put trust in him when i now feel like at any time he might change the rules?