Couch 129: The Semiprime Couch

She actually had Mussolini in mind, but point taken.

Thanks for this. I did go online and found the form. Unfortunately, h got upset with me earlier wanting to wait and find it and he submitted our taxes already without HSA Distribution information. Grr. We use Turbo Tax, so I searched the knowledge base and found out that now we just have to wait until it is fully processed and then submit an amended return in February. Oh well. I really need to learn how to make that man LISTEN to me when I know I am right about something. He was just in such a huge hurry to get it done he refused to hear what I was saying, that the distributions from it are likely going to change what we owe. I guess you only get in trouble if you don't file the amended return and they figure it out, right? My 'good little girl' complex is so activated today. Ugh. I hate knowing I did something wrong. This is going to eat at me all night and I will lay awake and stare at the ceiling convinced that we are both going to hell or jail or probably both. I am about to go into a full blown panic over this. Breathe, breathe, breathe. I see that I am catastrophising. I recognize this, I know it's what I'm doing, I'm not going to panic. I'm not. Maybe someday I will realize how ridiculous my catastrophizing is. I mean it's not like we make a ton of money and don't pay any taxes at all on it. I live in fear of being audited anyway, because of h being self-employed and his 1099/schedule c stuff. He is just so damn sure that the government isn't worried about our peanuts income, he said that it would cost them more to audit us than they would find to make us pay so he tells me not to worry about it. But I do. Every year when we do our taxes and he rushes us through it in late January, I'm scared that we've done something incorrectly, he gets mad and yells at me, I cry, he submits it anyway, and then I worry about it for months. Wash, rinse, repeat. And the cycle begins again. Sigh.

OMG! Maybe they did sell cookies door to door. They certainly came perilously close, as this quote shows:

From Amazon's Top 40 bestseller list:

1. 1984 (sold out)
4. It Can't Happen Here (sold out)
15. Brave New World
20. The Origins of Totalitarianism
24. The Handmaid's Tale
31. Fahrenheit 451
35. Animal Farm

The ones on Overdrive are waitlisted.

Americans are reading quality literature!

Good job on resisting that stuff for a whole year. I guess after a period of time you lose the taste of it. I don't eat junk food either and I don't crave it.

Thanks and good job not eating junk food! I was eating so much sugar and was completely addicted to it. I ate so much sugar on Jan 1, 2016 that I felt like total crap on Jan 2nd and decided to eliminate all desserts, breakfast pastries, candy and ice cream and have never looked back. I simply could not do it with moderation and for me it was all or nothing.

However, I do eat things with sugar in it and I drink alcohol but if it fits into any of those 4 categories I don't eat it whether it has sugar or not. For instance, I wouldn't eat SUGAR FREE candy or chocolate but I would eat Fluff, lol! Fluff is not a dessert, a breakfast pastry, ice cream or candy so it falls out of those groups and is technically OK per my rules. I only had it last May when I was prepping for a colonoscopy and could only eat very bland things. Another thing that is technically OK to eat is pita chips with cinnamon and sugar, and I only had them once when I was at a salad place that gave them out instead of giving a roll. I know, these are weird rules, but I lost 18 pounds last year with no effort just by following my little food plan.

Hugs, captgut. I'm sorry I dunno what to say. I think that state of depression is really tough to be in.

thank you! but the fact is i don't think it's depression... i was depressed for a few years and it was terrible, but now i'm feeling ok...well i feel nothing

your words made me think it's not ok and maybe i need help even more than earlier.

Feeling numb / nothing can also be a state of depression, plus your posts say you don't feel you've a future (hopelessness) and that you've desires / thoughts to end your life (another warning sign), which IS worrying.

When do you next see your T? Are there hotlines/warmlines and peer support websites where you are?

Are you on medication? Do you have a doctor like a general practitioner or a psychiatrist?

I have something good to share this evening too. Earlier, I was in my bedroom watching tv and my son came in and asked if we could talk. I muted the tv and he sat down on the bed with me and asked what my depression felt like. I told him the best way I can describe it is a black cloud in my head that filtered everything that came in and everything that went out. And that I think it went on as long as it did before I had my breakdown is because when you're so deep in depression, you don't even know how bad you feel, because it feels normal, and you don't know there's any other way to feel. And he asked if anxiety was part of it for me and I said honestly yes it was. He talked for about an hour, then somebody texted him and he drifted away and back to his room. But it was a good talk and I'm glad he opened up to me. But I did good, I dug deep and with every possible resource inside myself I held it together and did not cry even though my heart was breaking for him and I just wanted to bawl. If I had started crying he would have clammed up immediately and I wanted him to be able to talk. I'm so glad he asked to try therapy again. He's got a 2nd session scheduled for this week. I'm so proud of him for talking to me, and for asking for help, he is such a good kid and I love him with all my heart.