[retro_chic]

I had planned on telling T that I love her today but I couldn't do it. I had planned on telling her about this fantasy I have of her taking care of me like a young child and holding me while I cry and stroking my hair. I just couldn't bring myself to do it though. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed of these feelings and I don't want T to be creeped out by them.

I did manage to start off talking about some issues that have been going on between my mum and I and some family stuff but then I got stuck. T and I talked about my feelings around being stuck but I found it hard to concentrate on what she was saying because I was so busy trying to work up the courage to say what I wanted to say.

I thought I was making progress in trusting T and opening up but this seems like such a big step backwards. I just get so overwhelmed when I think of all the work I sill have to do and all the things that are still "wrong" with me. I keep flipping between wanting to give up and feeling as though my would fall apart without therapy. I have so many things I want to say but it is all such a jumbled mess.

[skeksi]

Take it easy on yourself. Sharing big feelings is taking a big risk and being vulnerable and it can be hard to do. It doesn't mean you are not making progress. In fact, I suspect your T would see the fact that you are having these feelings and thoughts as proof that you ARE making progress.

[Teddy:)]

Originally Posted by retro_chic

I had planned on telling T that I love her today but I couldn't do it. I had planned on telling her about this fantasy I have of her taking care of me like a young child and holding me while I cry and stroking my hair. I just couldn't bring myself to do it though. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed of these feelings and I don't want T to be creeped out by them.

I did manage to start off talking about some issues that have been going on between my mum and I and some family stuff but then I got stuck. T and I talked about my feelings around being stuck but I found it hard to concentrate on what she was saying because I was so busy trying to work up the courage to say what I wanted to say.

I thought I was making progress in trusting T and opening up but this seems like such a big step backwards. I just get so overwhelmed when I think of all the work I sill have to do and all the things that are still "wrong" with me. I keep flipping between wanting to give up and feeling as though my would fall apart without therapy. I have so many things I want to say but it is all such a jumbled mess.

I feel your pain! I'm struggling with feeling massively attached to T to pushing away. I don't know what is with it but its so frustrating. Sometimes I wish I could just go into T's office & completely lose it, but I can never seem to, its like I close down & put this false "all is good" appearance on & then after my session I feel like crap because I didn't get out what I needed to get out & I go back to being alone with it all- it sucks!

I'm currently feeling like "what is the point of everything" I just have no motivation for life, I can't even be bothered to tell t, I just feel like I'm isolating!

I hate attachment & all the **** it carries with it!

[Elio]

I wrote these things to t weeks..months...before I had the courage to read them out loud. Then it was months before I was able to talk about the feelings as a separate item to feeling them. We have have a few good sessions after a short rough patch. Right now a big portion of my thoughts are how much a love t. I'm still scared that sharing this with her will scare her away. I have started to realize a slight difference between loving t and having loving feeling/thoughts for t.

I don't know if that helps. I so feel your pain and the pull-push of the relationship and process.

[retro_chic]

Thank you everyone for your replies!

This whole therapy journey is just so exhausting sometimes. This attachment stuff really is the hardest part to deal with I think. In previous session I felt so connected to T but this last session felt like there was a barrier between us. I put up the barrier and although I'm annoyed at myself I'm annoyed at T too and I don't know why. She did nothing wrong.

I also have loving feelings/thoughts towards T rather than actual love (like Elio mentioned) but it feels so real. I know it has to be transference because I don't know what T is really like as a person and I can't love a complete stranger.

[skeksi]

But can't you love the person who has been there for you in your sessions?

[Elio]

This whole therapy journey is just so exhausting sometimes. This attachment stuff really is the hardest part to deal with I think. In previous session I felt so connected to T but this last session felt like there was a barrier between us. I put up the barrier and although I'm annoyed at myself I'm annoyed at T too and I don't know why. She did nothing wrong.

I also have loving feelings/thoughts towards T rather than actual love (like Elio mentioned) but it feels so real. I know it has to be transference because I don't know what T is really like as a person and I can't love a complete stranger.

There is loving the person for what they bring into your life. That's the logical thing I tell myself and I do believe that.

There is also the transference at play. I found once that this love I was feeling was love of myself. That one part of the transference was how I feel about myself. I have lots of maternal transference going on too...but maybe that isn't always in relationship to my mother..maybe sometimes it is in relationship to the adult me..the whole me? Idk I'm trying to figure this out some myself. I just remember the one time when I was feeling so much love for t..then out of the blue came...I love me...instead of I love you...then came...you know what, I'm pretty awesome.

I'm right there with ..at getting angry at t. I've even come to realize the difference of being angry at verse with t. When I'm angry at t, she hasn't done anything wrong...I am throwing angry at her. Means I have work to do.

Anyway, everything you've posted here seems par for the course. Sorry and glad I think that you are going through it. ..cuz it seems to be the general path.

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by skeksi

But can't you love the person who has been there for you in your sessions?

Yes, I can and I do but I also love this "fantasy" version of T that I've made up in my head which I know is transference related. This version I've made up is like an "ideal mother" who always responds to my emotional needs perfectly.

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by Elio

There is loving the person for what they bring into your life. That's the logical thing I tell myself and I do believe that.

There is also the transference at play. I found once that this love I was feeling was love of myself. That one part of the transference was how I feel about myself. I have lots of maternal transference going on too...but maybe that isn't always in relationship to my mother..maybe sometimes it is in relationship to the adult me..the whole me? Idk I'm trying to figure this out some myself. I just remember the one time when I was feeling so much love for t..then out of the blue came...I love me...instead of I love you...then came...you know what, I'm pretty awesome.

I'm right there with ..at getting angry at t. I've even come to realize the difference of being angry at verse with t. When I'm angry at t, she hasn't done anything wrong...I am throwing angry at her. Means I have work to do.

Anyway, everything you've posted here seems par for the course. Sorry and glad I think that you are going through it. ..cuz it seems to be the general path.

Thanks for this. It is kind of comforting to know that this stuff is "normal". I really want to email T and tell her I want to try lying on the couch next session. I'm not really supposed to email T unless it is for scheduling purposes but I think it is the only way to hold myself accountable. I've been wanting to try lying down for a while but I always chicken out. I think it could help me express my feelings better and say the things I want to say. Hopefully T won't mind the email

[retro_chic]

This is the email I'm thinking of sending T:


Hi T,

I know I am only supposed to email you for scheduling purposes but I can't think of another way around this.

I would like to try lying on the couch next session - I think it could help me to open up and talk about the issue that I couldn't talk about this week.

I've been wanting to try lying on the couch for a while but I always get too nervous to actually do it. I thought by sending this email I would have to hold myself accountable and won't be able to "chicken out" at the last minute. Hopefully this makes some sort of sense.

I'm sorry that I probably overstepped a boundary by emailing you this but I really don't know what else to do. I promise I will not make a habit out of this.

Many thanks,
retro

Do you think that would be okay to send?

[ScarletPimpernel]

If you're only supposed to email for scheduling, why don't you print out the email and hand it to your T? Try doing that before crossing a boundary.

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

If you're only supposed to email for scheduling, why don't you print out the email and hand it to your T? Try doing that before crossing a boundary.

I've tried that but for some things I can't even work up the courage to do that . There have been so many times that I have resisted the urge to email T but I just can't anymore.

[Teddy:)]

Originally Posted by retro_chic

I've tried that but for some things I can't even work up the courage to do that . There have been so many times that I have resisted the urge to email T but I just can't anymore.

I'd send it! Sounds fine to me, your allowed to email for scheduling purposes & although this isn't scheduling persay its to do with your therapy work so I think your t will understand. Just be prepared that she may not respond that's all, but you are being honest and she should value that

[retro_chic]

I just sent it. I'm just so sick of this. I just had a situation come up which involved my parents completely ignoring my needs/feelings in relation to this "family drama" stuff that's been going on. It's too long of a story to go into detail about but basically I have no one to talk to who understands me except for T. I've just really had enough

[retro_chic]

T replied to my email, she said:

Hi Retro,
That's no problem- thank you for letting me know of your preference. I look forward to discussing it with you further on Thursday.
Kind regards,
T

It shall be interesting to see how this lying down thing goes and if it will actually help. Anxious but curious!

[retro_chic]

Also, from T's response, does it seem like it is okay for me to email her? That's kind of the vibe I'm getting but obviously I will need to discuss this with her.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by retro_chic

Also, from T's response, does it seem like it is okay for me to email her? That's kind of the vibe I'm getting but obviously I will need to discuss this with her.

Her response gives me the sense that it's OK to e-mail...Hugs...