[dottedfish]

After reading through many therapy posts, I realize that you folks feel trust and affection for your therapists. I sense there is a strong bond there, that you let down any barriers you might have and let the therapist in, making yourselves vulnerable to change.

It struck me that never in my entire life have I had a relationship like that, ever. I have gone to therapists, but whenever they would say something positive, I dismissed it as something they had to say because I was paying them.

As soon as I took a step in a trust direction, not anywhere near where you folks are though, it was "time's up, bye," no matter what was happening. So I never believed they really liked me. They were just doing it for the money. I felt like a fool, and quit shortly after that.

So I was wondering if anyone else ever felt like this; is it the therapists' doing or am I too sensitive or too closed off to form a therapy relationship. Are there people for whom therapy is not helpful?

For background, I have no idea how to make a friend, and no interest in doing so. I have none, just some acquaintances and family.

The only reason I am considering this is I want to take steps to make sure my depression does not return--therapy is a step.

Thanks for listening.

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hey. i guess part of it might be about the therapists theoretic orientation. some varieties of therapy regard themselves as having a 'technology of change' that consists in educating clients about coping strategies... some other varieties of therapy try and focus on the theraputic relationship and they consider that the theraputic relationship (rather than education about coping strategies) is the real mechanism of change. of couse these don't have to be exclusive either / or approaches, but i think it is fair to say that some therapists aren't terribly interested in or focused in on the theraputic relationship.

trust takes time. i try and trust my therapist (believe that he is fundamentally trustworthy) but it is hard cause of my past %#@&#!. hard to believe that he could care about me. he is a bit ambivalent about expressing caring, methinks. i have started up a little about how he doesn't even care a great deal about me etc etc etc and the best he can do is 'looking forward to seeing you in our next session' and 'therapy is funny because our relationship here is unlike any other relationship that you will ever have... i don't talk about my feelings' etc etc etc.

so... combination of theoretical orientation and good therapist client fit and working hard in the face of basic mistrust. hard work yeah.

have you checked out the psychoanalytic societies for a therapist (since you are in california)???

[lauren_helene]

Hi dottedfish!

You are telling my story from years ago until this past year. I never knew the therapeutic relationship was like the one I have now.

All sorts of emotions have gone on in this relationship. I don't think you are closed off, I think you haven't found the right one for you.

I had no idea who was right for me when I found this T. I was just so far gone emotionally that I sought help and long story short, he is the one I selected.

Some days, I hate him but most days, I love him. I just need to adjust my expectations of him.

See, this is what you learn through this process. If you need that, I hope you find someone.

[MyBestKids2]

I don't currently have a "strong" bond with my T, but we've also only had a therapeutic relationship since April. I do however trust what he has to say. I take what I need and leave the rest there. He does seem genuinely concerned for my welfare which helps me trust him.

[WinterRose]

I trust my T, but I'm not close to her like so many seem to be even though I've been with her for 4 years. Sometimes I'm a little jealous of what I read about other's Ts. It may be that we just don't click that way. I think alexandra_k makes a good point about therapy styles though. It sounds like you'd probably like the ones based on the relationship, that this would serve you more. I believe most therapists will tell you their theoretical orientation before you schedule an appointment.

This evening in class my professor asked us, "How do you get the client to trust you?" And I said, "Through the relationship." Then she asked, "And how do you go about that?" And as a class we said, creating a safe environment for emotional expression, and first and foremost.... always be honest with the client.

I thought about my T and how hard he has worked to create a safe place for me to express myself. To this day he asks me, "What can I do to make it safer for you?" There's a lot I still can't say. I don't think it's because I don't trust him specifically... but maybe I just don't trust the solidity of the relationship yet... meaning I am too focused on the fear of abandonment. Do I trust him not to leave me? It depends. No, I don't think he's going to call me up one day and say, "I've had enough... don't come back." But I am constantly afraid that something will occur to rip this away from me.

As far as the honesty... I couldn't agree more with what was said in my class tonight. When the therapist is as honest and authentic as possible it really helps to build trust.

And there are many non-verbal cues. I can honestly say that the thing that makes me trust my therapist the most is the look in his eyes when I tell him something. He doesn't have to say anything. I can trust what he's feeling.

[dottedfish]

Thanks for the ideas and encouraging words. Therapy can be educational, therapeutic or both, I guess. Gives me hope.

I like that your therapist creates a space between you; seems like a space like that just begs to be crossed--or not.

A safety zone would really appeal to me right now.

[dottedfish]

"What can I do to make it safer for you?" I love that sentence. It begs for feedback. I'd love the chance to answer it.

In fact, after reading all these replies, I think I'll find a therapist and tell him or her they have to ask me that question after each session at least.

I really wanted the chic with the hyperactive dog to leave it somewhere else while we were talking, and the one guy not to mix me up with the woman who's been married five times and rips off men--I mean, I'm paying this much and you can't take notes?

I mean, I'm good, I deserve the best, right? Okay, I deserve at least better--someone who remembers my name, doesn't take therapy time to type the insurance bill, and pays attention when I'm speaking. This is California after all, the land of nuts and fruits (no offense meant, but it's true), and I really have to set some standards here.

Thanks, everyone!

hey. yep! you deserve a little professionalism in your interactions. the nuts and fruits shouldn't be the people you are paying to work with!

not sure where you are in california... but i'd suggest checking out the psychoanalytic institutes and maybe working with someone in training (since that variety of therapy often isn't covered by health insurance and training therapists are often willing to work on sliding scales). see for example:

http://www.pincsf.org/

http://www.npi.edu/about.html

http://www.californiapsychoanalyticsociety.org/

etc (more available through google)

[pachyderm]

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alexandra_k said:
not sure where you are in california... but i'd suggest checking out the psychoanalytic institutes and maybe working with someone in training

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Make sure that any trainee has good supervision...

I usually find it very hard to believe that anyone truly cares. Its very painful for the T and for me i think.

[chaotic13]

I am also struggling with trust and the notion that the T really gives a crap about my issues hard to accept. I'm not sure if the T and I are not a good match or if it is just me not adjusting to the concept of acknowledging and then actually talking about what I am feeling.

If my T asked me 'how can I make you feel safer?' I'd have no idea how to respond. I think I am wasting my time.

[dottedfish]

Thanks for the links, Alexandra K. Psychoanalysis, isn't that Freud, with penis envy and Oedipus and all that? Ahhhhh! Don't know if I'm ready for THAT yet.

I checked PsyDs covered by my insurance and there are about eight people in the area, some on the staff at the university. I don't think I can stomach a master's level person again.

I just finished reading a book, "Active Treatment of Depression," by Richard O'Connor, that was very enlightening about the therapist's role and why they act the way they do in a session. It also goes over characteristics of depressed people, and how to approach them. I fit it exactly. I would really recommend this book to anyone who is depressed or in therapy for depression. It's about $35 at Amazon. Expensive, but cheaper than half an hour with a therapist!

[ECHOES]

Here's another site you may want to look at. It has a great Question and Answer section: www.guidetopsychology.com

Freud was a pioneer and many have followed him and analysis has evolved. What you are most familiar with is some very early basic work of his. Modern psychoanalysis, for example, is more of a blend of therapeutic orientations and theories.

I have been in therapy many times with many therapists, all cognitive therapists and all levels of education including psychologists. This time around I am in therapy with an analyst-in-training, to whom I was referred by the local psychoanalytic institute where she is in training. She's been a therapist for over 20 years and is a Master's level. Her analytic orientation is what makes my therapy with her so different and rewarding to me; it is about the relationship. Previous therapies have been about behavior and 'how to think'. This is about who I am and how my perceptions are/have been formed. It's an exploration we are doing together.

Anyway, the site above was very helpful to me and I hope you find it useful for you.