I almost hung up on him

So, I gave it another shot.

The bottom line here for me is being able to express my needs. No can do, but working on it.

I called him this morning as he was driving. I started talking about how I wasn't able to articulate my needs yesterday and how I felt after I hung up. I told him that my knee jerk reaction is to retreat and quit.

He responded by saying that our contract had been that we would talk on Friday so that I would know he was back and clearly I needed more. I thought he was criticizing me and telling me that I shouldn't be calling. I began to cry -- no I was sobbing -- and I told him with a sobbing, cracking voice that I couldn't continue the conversation. He said, "Oh, sister, come on." So I persisted. I told him it sounded like he was telling me I shouldn't be calling. He said no, that he was just telling me that he was responding according to what we had agreed upon and that if I needed more-that I needed to tell him that. I agreed and told him that was why I called to try again.

I told him I was falling apart and he said that maybe that's what I needed to do. We talked some more and the focus was on defining what we were really saying to each other, pointing out inconsistencies in the perception of what the other was saying. He said that he would like to pick apart something I mentioned. I said we could pick it apart on Tuesday. He laughed. We were back. We continued until he needed to hang up because he was lost on the road! He told me to call again if I needed him.

Okay, I guess I'm not quitting. Pink, you were so right about not going into the details. I didn't need to do that. I just needed to know we were back, and I have him in my corner.

Sigh.

Oooh, I really like him! I'm so glad he and you were able to "make contact". So, you're not calling him Friday (since you called him this morning)?

I had a turning point like that when I called my T to tell her I was going to be late (stuck in traffic). I usually would just get super anxious and upset being late (I'm one of those who is always 1/2-1 hour early) only this time I wanted her to know and get some "comfort" since I'd be 5 minutes late or so and would lose her for that 5 minutes :-) and I guess a little bit so she wouldn't "worry" where I was. But we had a nice connection in that phone call and talked about the call during the session and it was okay being late and making connections with her from then on.

Hi ((Perna)),

The Friday he mentioned was yesterday, it was sort of an aborted phone call because when I called him yesterday, I couldn't articulate my needs and broke down crying after I hung up. So, I had called back and made the appointment to speak this morning to try again.

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I guess a little bit so she wouldn't "worry" where I was

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I love this. It's so intimate, and reciprocal.

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it was okay being late and making connections with her from then on.

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I hope that it gets easier for me from now on too. This disconnect and reconnect is torture and I don't know how much more I can take.

So I say to myself breathe, just breathe.

I'm glad you did not hang up on him.

I really like that he makes it clear that if you need more, just tell him.

Yes, he's back. You are both back.

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sister said:
The bottom line here for me is being able to express my needs....

I thought he was criticizing me and telling me that I shouldn't be calling....

I told him it sounded like he was telling me I shouldn't be calling. He said no, that he was just telling me that he was responding according to what we had agreed upon and that if I needed more-that I needed to tell him that.

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Sister, I think you did a fine job here expressing your needs. You told him how you had interpreted his words, which turned out to be incorrect. He was able to clarify, and you felt better. Great sequence!

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I told him I was falling apart and he said that maybe that's what I needed to do.

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My T has said similar to me, and I think there is truth in it. You have held it together so admirably in his absence. Now that he is back, you can fall apart. Not fun, but maybe you need it. I'm sorry it is so hard right now. (((hugs)))

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We were back.

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Ahhhhhhhh...

Tuesday will be here before you know it. (((sister)))

Thanks PInksoil,

I'm glad too I didn't hang up.

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Yes, he's back. You are both back

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I think that's the whole point. Yesterday when I spoke to him I knew he was back but I didn't know that we were back. There was no connection. Today the connection was rock solid and I feel held once again.

When you hold your breath for 3 weeks you begin to suffocate.

((sunny))

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[Sister, I think you did a fine job here expressing your needs.

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Thanks. This theme of me expressing my needs has been with us since the beginning of my therapy. I do believe he knew yesterday that I needed more but he wanted me to say it...that's why he left the door opened for me to call again.

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sister said:
When you hold your breath for 3 weeks you begin to suffocate.

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Very true. That reminds me... my T always tells me in session, "Remember. It is good to breathe." I have a tendency to hold my breath when I get really, really nervous about something in therapy and I don't even notice it (unless I turn blue, lol) but he always seems to.

Well, as long as we're talking about breathing, I remember one session not long ago when I was crying...well, a couple of tears were running down my face. It was pretty charged in the room and all of a sudden all i could hear was T taking a huge big breath sort of like a meditation exaggerated breath. All I could think of was, what the hell is is he doing?

Wow, I wish I had thought of that in your humor thread.