So frustrated with last session and T

I don't think she should have cancelled. I think she should have never made the appointment in the first place (she being the therapist). the first anniversary of anyone's death is always the hardest because it's a big reminder that they Are gone forever... and you never know how you might react. So it's better to be safe than sorry... but that's just my opinion...

When we hit the first anniversary of my grandfather's death in July, I'm going to take the day off. Not going to bother with work. i know I won't be productive. I mean, I might be productive, but it's not worth the risk.

At least that's how I think of it

We are not therapists. We are clients. We are not obliged to try and see their side of things. My students don't have to try to see my side of things if I don't do my job. They can if they want, but it's not required.

In some relationships, we should try to see the other person's side of things - family, partners, friends. But there's a limit even to that when a partner or a parent is abusive, or a friend stops returning phone calls. Likewise there are limits to what therapists should be allowed to get away with in relationships with their clients. And that's up to the individual client.

And I have to say, often therapists don't seem to try to see the client's side of things. OP seems to be doing all the see-the-other-person's-side here.

I am actually not a crusade against therapists. I don't like or respect their profession but I am not saying they are not useful some times for some people in some ways. I am on a crusade against blaming the client when the therapist screws up

When a therapist works with people who are sensitive to other people's emotions, esp those with trauma background where it was survival, they have got to accept that they can't hide it when they've checked out or are otherwise wrapped up in their own struggles. And if they don't say anything by way of acknowledging what they are bringing or not bringing to session, then it becomes a replay of early dynamics where the person knows something is wrong, but can't pinpoint what...and it feeds all sorts of fears and anxieties that the client already know exists (reason for therapy for many) and doesn't need to have re-enacted.

I disagree 110%. You do realize a client-therapist relationship is the equivalent of dating somebody, right?

How is that relationship going to go if you don't understand the other person's perspective? It won't.

I'm not always a fan of listening to my therapist has to say about her life outside of her office, her approaches to helping clients or some of her past experiences. I mean, I'm the one who is paying for the service so the belief it shouldn't be about understanding what makes them human, what makes them tick, etc. but it is and I do it because I want to have a means to practice developing the relationship into something meaningful.

I submit to you the reason therapy doesn't work for some people is because they refuse - for whatever reason - to try and understand their provider.

And no, the OP HAS NOT made an attempt to see the other; although she admittedly say she has. Because doing so requires a conversation about the issue. Again, something along the lines of "Hey, I'm concerned about our progress these last couple of sessions. My husband mentioned (insert trauma here). Are you okay?" Or "Hey, is everything okay. I feel like something has been off with you lightly."

I completely disagree with the notion that hiring a therapist is the equivalent of dating. Certainly no approach to therapy I have ever read about endorses that view. Nor is it how or why I hire them. Nor would it ever be.

Maybe I'm kinda old-fashioned but the last time I tried it, I didn't have to pay someone $125 (current T's rate) to "date" me coz that would be, well, something other than dating.

A client-therapist relationship is like dating someone?

Dear lord, no. Not in my world. I even think most therapists would be horrified by that suggestion.

(And among other things, I don't pay for sex.)

To OP,

While I've not exactly had your experience I can sympathize with you and understand where you are coming from completely. My T is very good at giving me warning when he will be away and we do planning for it. If something comes up urgently and he has to cancel last minute he leaves the door open for emails. He's been very good over 4 years at not showing how he's doing in life in sessions but is still able to show emotional reactions to things I feel or have dealt with. However there was a time I had a therapist that was not so good at self care and keeping her stuff out of our sessions. I tried to ask her if something was wrong things felt off and when she would say no I would blame myself. Never any nail picking or anything (which is horrible by the way) but she wouldn't pick up on things very much wouldn't ask the extra questions to get the whole story and stuff. Eventually our therapy ended due to me moving and finding another therapist but it was rocky for a bit. Looking back I feel like had I brought it up in a way to say that I feel like it's my fault when you are distant and different then usual and it's affecting me negatively that she would have probably changed that behavior or something and maybe I would've felt more inclined to keep her as my therapist when I moved but that never happened.

All I can suggest is if the behavior continues to try to voice your feelings in a nice respectful way. Sure sometimes Ts have bad days and while I don't think cancelling is necessarily a good thing unless they can rebook soon (it really depends on the client and where they're at) I do think that advising the client they are having an off day and it's not their fault is an option then it's up to the client to keep the appointment or reschedule based on their preference maybe.

Anyway sorry I don't have much advice. I just wanted you to know I understood where you're coming from and feel you have very valid points and I don't think it's your fault at all and she should have made that clear to you not just to your husband.

Good luck and I hope you can find some peace with this and make the best choice FOR YOU. Best of luck.

What exactly do you think you pay them for then? Because being a prostitute is kind of like being a therapist if you think about it.

Really, how?

Also, just to clarify -- you're now comparing therapy to sex work, rather than dating, with the latter relationship being the justification you put forth earlier for clients needing to understand therapists?

So, just to make sure that the ground assumptions are clear -- I consider dating to be completely distinct from engaging in sex work (as a client, specifically since that is the relevant role here).

The point is, who is supposed to CHANGE their behavior? Who is supposed to LEARN something? Are we there to teach the ts how to get along better in their lives, have more productive work and love relationships? When do we do OUR part? When? Thats what i want to know. When the t is perfect, we dont have to change. When tbe t is NOT perfect, we want THEM to change. ???

I am not there paying to teach the therapist anything but I am not there to learn any of that stuff from a therapist either.
I am paying the therapist to set aside what ever is going on in her personal life and if the woman cannot do that, I expect her to take the day off.

I don't follow this at all. Who is saying here the therapist needs to change? Only be a little more sensitive.

Additionally, isn't this blaming the client? OP here is being very accommodating.

And I think this can also be used to justify unprofessional behavior: so your therapist is always 20 minutes late and doesn't make up the time? Deal, client who needs to change!

No, im talking about this exact one situation, not some theoretical situation. Just saying the OP was conscious enough to own and change her behavior. Or maybe asking if she was. If you are doing something unconsciously, you dont even realize it, then okay. But walking out early? I say use your words, dont act out.

You have to know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away and know when to run.
There are many times when talking is just not the thing and leaving is the better part of valour.

And, apparently, send them flowers and chocolates regularly.

Chocolate is always a good idea.

I would freak out if t1 cancelled. But there have been a few times over the years when he has told me that he is not at his best, leaving it open for me to cancel or reschedule. For me, I choose to stick with the schedule as much as possible, but I also avoid getting into hard stuff. I do think a t should tell client if they feel "off", and give the client an option of canceling w/o charge. Just saying that for me, t1 at 50% is better than no T1. But that has to do with me and attachment rather than T1. And he hasn't done it often-only when there have been deaths in his family.

I do understand the anxiety and confusion. I do that sometimes even when t1 is on his game. Now that you know that her being off was probably due to her loss, can you forgive her? Not as in saying that it was ok, but as in saying that you can offer grace? For me, forgiving is very freeing. It puts the fault where it belongs (them) and at the same time, stops giving it power over me.

And. Dating and T (and sex work!) are nothing alike. I don't pay people to date me. Nor for sex. I don't really agree that a t relationship is like a dr, but it is closer to that than to dating. My ts have power over me (my choice) in a way that a date would never have. My H holds some power in my marriage, and so do I. That is nothing like t either.

My H has been known to call T1 when H thinks T1 has messed up. It's probably had the effect of making T1 feel pressure to get things right. I don't know if that's a good thing in your situation, but it is kind of sweet that your H doesn't think your t is doing things right.

Sorry that session stunk. We've all had them, and I hate it when it happens to me.

Ok speaking as someone that freaks out at cancellations regardless of the amount of warning I receive; I would prefer my t to show up and be herself and if need be, show those not perfect human sides of herself. It would be nice if the was a way for her to let me know that she's not 100% in such a way that I didn't take poorly; however, I can't think of one. And yes we float the concept of aspergers as a dx, as the response is very similar to routine disruption stress rather than emotional distress.

OP - how would you have felt if she had cancelled on you for not being 100% but not cancelled on another client because of the different needs of the clients?

Wait, aren't they supposed to be sending us the flowers and chocolate?

You would think. I mean, they want our business, right?

Maybe that's why you're struggling or seeing two different therapists in the same week...

Completely different context.

And I was not responding to you.

ETA: omg, you think SD is "struggling"? She is one of the more grounded, not-at-all-struggling people here.