Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

Good morning,

In pain, tried to wait. medicated. love me?

don't let me be too much

sleep please.

I don't deserve you
I'm sorry
Can you tell me to **** off? I won't love you less because of it

Remembering clients' reviews on your page again.
"Just one session and I'm happy!", "it took two months, but now my depression gone" and so on.
And here am i... Sorry for not being as curable as other clients. Sorry for bothering you. Do you hate me? You said no. But it's difficult to believe. I compare myself to other clients...
Ugh.
I also hate saying cliche like "I feel lonely", "No one loves me", "It will never end", "I bother you" and so on. I'm sure you heard it million times before, I'm sure in your mind you roll your eyes, I'm sure you think "I tired of this stupid girl".

Sorry...

What's pleasing to the eye
In the delusion of my sight
Is not what I find when I reach into the light
I have lost my mind
I'm walking through time
Deluded as the next guy
Pretending and hoping to find
That distant peace of mind

I don't know
Who does know?
There is no
Where to go

It's not so simple as I try to wish
But then again what is?
There is no other worthy quest
So on I go

I don't know
Who does know
There is no
Where to go
I don't know
Who does know
Where to go
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know

Just been reading through some old threads. I can actually see the evolution of my feelings towards you. It's so weird to see it mapped out like that. From feeling nothing towards you and enjoying the distance, to flip flopping between love and indifference, to feeling quite strongly attached to you. I think I have a lot to learn from the way my feelings towards you have developed. I could make a little timeline of my feelings towards you. I might even do that.

T,

I shouldn't watch those family violence videos that the ministry for social welfare puts out to raise awareness. They're so graphic, so realistic.

But that's precisely why I watch them compulsively. To see if they trigger memories.

Thank you but i sure feel like i have. Sending her 3 emails in 2 days alone is enough to feel guilty for to me. Let alone the stubborness and everything else. I wonder why she puts up w me at all.

I frustrate myself so much, she must be over the top frustrated with me.

Dear T,

I feel like a huge f_ckup.

I keep f_cking up in all aspects of my life. I actually missed a meeting this morning because the meeting was rescheduled for an earlier time than before. (Normally we have a meeting every morning at 10:30... well, today it was 9:30.) f_ck me.

WTF is wrong with me? I should have updated my calendar! This new meeting time threw me for a loop. And believe me, this meeting is not the only meeting I have missed or shown up late to.

I'm going to see you tomorrow afternoon. *sigh* I'm just not even in the mood to talk about all my f_ckups because that's just going to feed the depression.

Whatever. I can't change the past, but I can try to do better from now on.

You've stopped texting me all together. I think you're afraid to tell me that this is what you're doing because you are scared of the aftermath , my meltdown. So you just do it and hope that I will silently accept it

And I will

Dear MC,
Please get us on time (or close to on time) today, so we could potentially have a full hour. Lots to talk about...and if you could maybe be extra caring MC today, that would be great. Or even just very caring MC. And let's keep basketball talk to a minimum--as T said, that's not what we're paying you for!
Love,
LT

Dear Kashi-

I know that I freaked out about early news about your office move. Really I'm ok. Anxiety is my default setting.
I'm happy that you want to check in with me mid week but really I'm truly ok for the time being. You baby me too much and I like it too much. When I say I don't need the call I mean it. But I secretly love the attention. So I didn't fight you on this as I could have. Secretly I think you like dealing with me. I think you just want to call. Or you don't know me well enough that I'm really ok.

This is why I don't always ask for hugs. Therapy can feel too intense sometimes.

I second that last. Way too intense.

I can see why a T may want to put references from other clients on the website, but this shows why it can be a bad idea to know anything about T's other clients.

The other client may have taken only 1 session or 2 months to feel better, but they are no doubt a completely different person in a completely different situation. Who knows, if that person were in your exact situation, perhaps they would be getting on much less well than you are!

Also, just because you need more than 2 months to feel better, doesn't mean your T sees that as a negative. Maybe T would be bored and unfulfilled if they worked only with clients with straightforward issues and who can be helped in only a few sessions. My T actually enjoys working with people who have more complex issues. Which is just as well, because it turns out I am one of them ��

I hope you don't mind I replied on this thread!

T, i wish you would respond. I understand why you're not, because i need to sit with these feelings and also give you space to figure out how to deal w them. So i will not bug you until my next session.

Dear T,
Thanks for the pat on the arm when I was leaving MC's office. I guess you could tell I'd been crying. I'll be OK though. And it wasn't because MC did anything wrong, just some sad and difficult stuff that we talked about. Wish I could have stayed in there another hour...or maybe gone right into session with you. See you Wed.
Love,
LT

art...think that might be your family background talking? Let your therapist speak for herself.

Dear MC,
Thanks for today's session. Yeah, you got us a little late, but you also didn't kick us out right at 3, so I appreciate that. I could see the caring and empathy in your eyes when we were talking, so thanks for that. I wish I could have just sat in there and talked with you all day--there's so much going on. You did make me feel better about D's assessment results. Thanks for saying nice stuff about her, even though you've only met her once (though we've done plenty of talking about her).

I am puzzled by something you said though about doubting comorbidities. You were talking about D, but then I used the example of myself. Were you trying to say you thought I had either OCD or anxiety, but not both? Because...I mean...I clearly fit many of the criteria for both. I could see the anxiety and recurrent depression maybe being explained by bipolar II. But I feel like the OCD, while related to anxiety, is a different animal...

Still adore you, just puzzled by a psychologist seeming to doubt comorbidities (also, how is H unable to remember that you're a psychologist, not a psychiatrist? Eesh).

Love you,
LT

T, sorry. I wish I knew what I wanted.

Velcro, i wish i knew what i wanted, too.

T, I want...

(((Silent yell))).

I remember close to the beginning of my meeting with you. My friend, yeah friend, told me it would get worse before it got better. Thank you! Not!

You told me about a jar on a desk, filled with water and dirt in the bottom of it. They picked it up and shook it and it was a mess. That's how I feel right now. I know it eventually settles. God have mercy until it does.

There's no way I can turn around. I have to see this through. This is hard. I'm not me. I don't know who I am.

I'll see it through. I don't know what this is going to look like. I don't like that.

I will be brave. I'm afraid.

Dear Dr. S, How can I need you so much and not want you at all? I think it is all in those boundaries. The ones you won't cross. I want to scream at you for not crossing them. I want to rage and the only reason I can come up with is because you won't hold me and let me cry.

I feel like ***** for so many things. I feel like you don't want me. You didn't/couldn't make time for me today... not to see me in person. Even though Mondays are a usual day for us. You responded to all my emails. I kind of wished you wouldn't so I could just be mad. Instead I end up feeling like ***** because you gave and I want more.

I feel like a bad person. Those irrational thoughts are coming in...like if only I hadn't had the surgery... they are not real.

37 hours and counting let's see if I can keep myself from emailing you. You sure and won't email me.

-me

Hey T,

Sooo... I'd usually be seeing you now, I guess.
I bought 2 birds as pets. They're really cute. I already love them Since I have them, I've needed less sleep. I'm not as "out of order" as usual, I even wake up without an alarm. So, everything I'm usually experiencing seems to be psychosomatic after all.
The "I want to SH" part is still here. He gets stronger by the minute. Like a kid who doesn't like to be ignored. We'll see if I can keep ignoring it...

Going to university again makes me kind of depressed. All those people, some even older than I am, going home over the weekend to see their parents. EVERY weekend. I see mine every 3 months or so, for 2 hours. Gosh, I wouldn't even have a room to stay if I were to stay over the weekend.
I miss them. I miss the dad I used to have. I also miss old friends. I just remembered a person I once met at the train station. She seemd to know an awful lot about me. My name, that I have a brother, she knew my best friend (at the time), where I went to school, what my favorite book was (and so on). I had no idea who she was. That was really disturbing. It's bothering me now. Can you completly forget a person you seem to have known very well?

Gosh I'm rambling again. I initially only wanted to write that I miss you, but I still don't think that I should come back to see you. Can you just stay on vacation? Then I can act like you abandoned me and don't need to deal with all those feelings.

T,

It's only 4 days after session and I miss you. I wish I could see you weekly so it would be just 3 more days till seeing you.

But we can't even meet once a fortnight as agreed, and haven't done so for like many many months (almost a year?) now? This is another once a month streak. Again. Again.

You say you're insulted when patients say you only care because it's your job. Well, that's how I feel, and so do they.

You've so many patients on your caseload. You have so many Vulnerable Child parts of adult patients to reparent - 40+! Of course I'm numb in session, I'm protecting my Vulnerable Child part. They know they compete with so many others, they knows they can't see you once a fortnight. They know even real parents get sick of their children. They know a therapist isn't a parent. They know this is fake.

Stop trying that limited reparenting schema therapy thing. Proper schema therapy is 2x a week or at least weekly. I get to see you just once a month.