Couch 134 - The Untriquadium Couch

I should get the large one, because I think una likes to swim. (I can swim, a little, I just avoid doing it.)

i had the worst week i've had in a long time...and i have a slight fever/cough. NOOOOO. I am willing it to go away, bc I REALLY need to go to therapy tomorrow

I have a baseball game on for the first time this year (spring training). New cat and I watch an inning, then get up to clean - new cat not being afraid of a vacuum cleaner.

Eta: although it is going to be a long season if the commentators are going to talk about their mechanical pencils as much as they are today.

*dances healing dance for velcro*

(this is where the internets are superior to real life. I am actually lying on my back, waiting for painkillers to kick in so I can move around the house, but on the internets I dance like noone's watching.)

I think of you as the internet Margot Fonteyn. Or Martha Graham, whichever you prefer.

I don't know if anyone remembers but a while ago i had a bit of a rupture with my T when I asked him not to see my friend (who expressed an interest in seeing him) and at first he felt like i was trying to control his practice and he was a bit argumentative, then the week after he asked me for her name and said he wouldn't see her.
She was round my house today and is at a low ebb and again said she is thinking about seeing him. I got a bit flustered and was like "i think he might not be taking on clients" and she was like "i saw an advert in the local magazine, he must be if he's advertising for clients".
So if she does contact him i now feel really guilty for putting T in a difficult position. I feel guilty because she is struggling and i don't know what to do. I'm thinking about telling T it's okay to see her but i feel really stupid and controlling.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

I don't think it's stupid and controlling at all. I would feel the same and there are many therapists who would refuse to see two people who know each other anyway - there are far too many ways in which that could become a sticky situation.

There are many more therapists out there who your friend could see - why does she want yours so much? Can you be honest with her, and tell her how you feel about it and why? She might be understanding if you were a bit more transparent about it. Could your T recommend someone else for her perhaps?

thanks. i can feel the healing effects already
I think you have to trust your T to be able to turn her away gently.

I don't think there is any obligation for you to do something that might jeopardise your own therapy. Especially since you can't know that it would work for your friend - and (sorry, I remember the previous discussion but not the details) surely he is not the only T around?

(((Echoes))) its unethical for a t to (knowingly) see a friend or family member of an existing client. Youre not doing anything to your t or to your friend. THEY are trying to step on YOUR toes. This is YOUR space. Whats wrong with THEM that they feel they have to take something from YOU??

Maybe you should see your friends t if she finds one. Or maybe you could tag along on her appointments with your t in case you think of something. I mean, if she is gonna sit in on your appointments, why shouldnt you sit in on hers?

Oooh im so mad!!!

Hmmm. I was hoping for Nuriev, but fair enough

Thanks, I felt this way too when I first had the rupture. About 18 months ago he saw another of my friends and that was fine because that friend was unlikely to come up in my therapy. This friend really could come up. She has a lot of problems and i support her a lot, both emotionally and with practical stuff like childcare. It feels too emotionally close. It was when i explained this that my T agreed to not see her. My T lives close to her parents which is probably why she thinks it's handy for her. And she knows from me that he's a good T. And his first session is free which i think appeals to her. I felt like i couldn't say anything because she is so down (i know that's my social inadequacy).

Maybe i am controlling, that i don't trust him to handle it. I suppose I'm just angry at myself for being such an imposition on him. I want him to approve of me, not for me to be a headache for him.

I appreciate the reassurance. This is probably all in my head but it feels like it's all my fault for opening my mouth and expressing needs. I do live quite rurally and Ts are few and far between but he's not the only one. I did suggest she try a local counselling clinic. I do hope she takes the hint.

Haha, thanks una. I kind of agree that it's unethical. I would never do it as a therapist but it seems to be a grey area for my T. That might be because he worked in higher education for a lot of years, where there were only a limited number of therapists for the student population, so there would have inevitably been some crossover. I really don't want to reignite this with him because i was quite hurt last time.

I understand why it's hard for you to explain this to her. It sounds like your T really understands your reasons at this point, though, and I do think you can trust in him to handle things with her appropriately and kindly. It's part of his job to do such things! Please try not to feel bad for your feelings about this - I really think almost anyone would feel the same.

I can't even imagine how territorial I would get if one of my friends wanted to see my T... I'd be like "BACK OFF, *****!"

I feel cowardly for not telling her. The other thing that's really weird is that i have been attached and loving my T all week and now suddenly it's as though i feel nothing for him. It's definitely a protection against losing him. When this first happened i told him if he saw her i wouldn't come back. I'm scared of having to follow through with that.

I wouldn't feel guilty about it -- it's his choice to make, ultimately. And, you're not responsible for your friend's mental health -- if she can't take his non-response as par for the course, and find someone else, that's really not something for you to worry about. Everyone's an adult etc.

I have a bit of a different concern though -- maybe, I'm entirely projecting from my past experience but I'd wonder about the friend's motives in picking the same T that you're seeing? I mean, it's not like he's the only therapist in the whole wide world?

I have had friends who've raved endlessly about how awesome their Ts were -- but, even when I had rather neutral relationships with these friends, I steered far away from seeing any of their Ts.

It just felt too icky for me all around to do that.

In a somewhat (vaguely) related way, I also shut down completely former T's attempts to offer me referrals (I mean, for one I didn't trust her judgment but more importantly, the very thought of going to someone she knew felt really really icky all around).

Then again, like I said, it may just be that I have a ridiculous way of looking at these things.....

Another issue i have with her is that i do sometimes find her intruding and imposing. I have quite ambivalent feelings towards her sometimes. I care about her and her child a lot but i do fear an ulterior motive as well. She can be manipulative sometimes. I did express this to my T last time. I actually fear her trying to sway my Ts impression of me. She's done that before with other people.

You need people who actually fit the word 'friend'

And, perhaps discussing how to do that with your T might be the best thing you could do for yourself and everyone around you?

You have a good relationship with your T, from what I can tell. Try not to catastrophize because you feel guilty for your friend. I am pretty sure it IS un-ethical for a T to knowingly see a client's friend.

Anyway. You can bring it up with your T next time you see him, just to reassure yourself. This is NOT you being needy and an imposition.

I think therapists think many different things about this

I know several people who know my T. He does not try to hide us from each other l. My roommate sees my T. It doesn't really bother me much.

This may be because of where I met my T which was pretty much a "healing community"

Thanks. I guess i have to think about all that. Her child and my child are best friends too and they don't have a lot of other family so i have always tried to look out for them. It's not all bad but there are moments when i feel a bit...I don't know... unappreciated.

Thanks velcro, i need to tell T all of this i guess, including feeling like I'm a problem. I probably need to talk about her with him too. I do take on a lot of responsibility with regard to looking out for her etc and i guess i should talk to T when it's affecting me like this.

I really appreciate all the responses. Thanks everyone

My T began his career in therapeutic communities too. Perhaps that's why he doesn't see it the way i do.

Yeah this may be it. I can understand how it would not work.for some clients... to know a therapist's other clients. I can see why that would be upsetting

Yeah, you know, my chiro, tho not a t, comes from a much different space than t. Hes 40 years younger, also, and people are always dropping by his office and he really does give a community feeling that t does not. You feel like part of a bigger effort. A bigger karma.