Couch 134 - The Untriquadium Couch

I definitely feel therapy has helped me lots and in many different ways. I no longer blame myself for any of the bad things that happened to me as a child. I have a lot more self compassion generally. I feel more able to cope with life's curve balls and i know myself better. That feels like a good place to be. It's tough work at times though and sometimes i doubt whether it's worth the work involved, however i feel incredibly supported by my T so i am confident I can do this and i will continue to have positive results.

Even when I am at my lowest, I do not think about killing myself. It's just not on the map any longer. And it was nothing I had to do, I think, and it wasn't that I woke up one morning and suddenly wasn't suicidal. Rather, I suddenly realised that I wasn't thinking about the near future with a conviction that I wouldn't be around to see it (if that makes sense).

That doesn't mean the mental pain is gone, or that I like myself, or that I have much hope for a better (personal) future, or anything like that. Maybe that will come with time. Not liking myself, I don't see how that could ever be possible as long as I know myself, but I think I'm becoming more resilient.

I am an idiot. I let fantasy overtake reality and now I have spent 4 years living in a world where I thought it mattered and now it's all dust.

Thx. I'm glad you like your T and that she's your beam of light. I think I need a drastic change too, but I just don't know what and how to change. I actually identify with a lot you post (which might be bad for both of us ), and have wanted to let you know that for a long time now.

I'm glad therapy has helped you. You and your T seem to be an amazing team.
I hope I can get there once too, I just feel rather hopeless at the moment, sorry. People always talk about the work that is involved, but I just don't know what I have to do exactly... There's nothing I can actually contribute to therapy, instead of always being there, being there in time and trying to be as honest as possible...

Thx for your answer, too. It does make a lot of sense to me. I never expected to get 18, and when I was 18 I suddenly realised that I had no plans at all for my adult life. I'm glad you don't have to think about killing yourself anymore. Do you think this is due to therapy or just... a thought/feeling you got used to? You don't have to answer if you don't want to, sorry if I'm overstepping anything.

You're not an idiot.

Well, I'll be 44 in a couple of days' time, and it's not like I've been suicidal all my life. It has come and gone, and when I was 15-20 or so it was pretty darn bad, and when I was around 30 it was very bad, and then it came back about five years ago, in the aftermath of my dad's passing away. So it may be strange (and stopdog will no doubt scoff at the idea) that I credit therapy, and my T, for the thoughts going away. After all they have done so before. It's just different this time, in some way I can't quite define right now, and I believe, 100%, that it is due to therapy.

I think I used it more as a catalyst for change than for healing/recovery - I certainly didn't want to start it, but once I did I was able to make changes - like ending my marriage - that I couldn't do by myself. So even though my life is much worse than when I started therapy, I have made most of the changes I wanted to when I started. Not sure that's due so much to therapy as to having a person to talk to about what I wanted to do.

It's also why I question going back. I am not sure what it could do for me now.

You don't need to apologise. When I say work, I guess I just mean it's emotionally tough, and I find it very tiring.
Being there and being honest are basically the crux of it, it sounds like you're doing just fine.
I noticed a shift in my therapy after about 18 months to deeper stuff and my T being more challenging. It's not so much that I'm contributing more, but the relationship is established enough to allow me to go deeper. It happened very organically and I didn't even realise I had deeper to go till I was doing it.
Sorry things are so tough for you right now

I think better's something I don't try to think about because it seems impossible.

For a while, these past few months, I just told myself that I won't do anything drastic until after the next therapy appointment....and the next....and the next....and just kept doing that as a way to trick my brain to get through stuff. I didn't tell current T about it until I was past the worst of that phase (talking about it just makes it worse while in the grip of it because I'd then also have to deal with the responses to it). She called it using therapy like a 'buoy' -- the description struck me as unintentionally (and morbidly) hilarious since I don't know how to swim (and, got way too panicked the couple of times I've tried learning).

Right now, while things are not utterly awful, I feel like therapy -- especially since I started seeing current T twice a week -- is just keeping me tethered to 'life' (whatever that means). That feeling of being tethered -- or, rather, not being blown away by the faintest gust of just about anything -- is something that is also somewhat ephemeral and so, the density of it waxes and wanes along with my trust in current T.

And, of course, even at the best of times, the whole enterprise of therapy can feel so vastly inadequate to really making a dent in my yuuuuuuuuuge problems!

And then I read about what other people have done in their lives thanks to therapy (or despite it), and I see what a worthless piece of crap I am in comparison. And I see how pathetic I am for wanting things I can never have or deserve. But that's part of the function of this place, I think - to let oneself gain a realistic perspective on things.

Right now I'm not sure if therapy is doing me any good at all. Sometimes I lose sight of the light at the end of the tunnel, and I think... I'm just torturing myself for no good reason.

At least, that's how I feel today. I'd probably have a different answer for you tomorrow...

I feel quite sad when I read how you view yourself, Crocus. It's so incongruent with my impression of you and it must be terribly painful to hold such views about yourself. I really do hope you can begin to value yourself more in time, because there is an awful lot to value.
Side note - please don't worry about my feelings of sadness. They are there because I care and in no way mean you did anything wrong in posting your feelings.

Demunie , I think I grew more stable in therapy, but I also think as I got older I was able to just let a lot of stuff go. I often question if therapy helped or if I would be the same if I didn't go. I really don't have an answer.

You are only saying that because I am overweight! (Sorry, I'm just kidding. Thank you very much, I appreciate these words, a lot.)

I am more negative than usual right now, I think, but it's to do with the time of year, and with T being all recalcitrant and other things with many syllables, and some other RL things. So don't pay too much attention, I'll be better in a bit. I'm still looking forward to going to England soon.

Can I raise a completely random topic? What weird things do people use as comfort viewing/comfort reading? I got the question about comfort viewing in a conversation after choir practice the other day, and without stopping to think about it I said "Kung Fu Panda, All the President's Men, and Pride and Prejudice (the BBC miniseries from 1995)". I realised it was pretty random when I had said it.

I hesitate to post here, because I feel ignored. It's kind of sad, I used to come here and few heard and he supported.

Yes, I did get better.

I was a very angry person because I used anger to mask sadness and fear. Now all my feelings are in their proper places. And finally, at the age of fifty, I became an adult.

But I had to ride Madame Ts rollercoaster for nearly ten years.

I'm sorry to hear that, healed. I have noticed that you post less than you used to. What's going on with you these days?

What fantasy was that?

Sorry you feel ignored A cushion for you:

I agree.

((Healed))

I see you!

Hi Awkwardly! Welcome back!

Comfort viewing: a bit of Fry and Laurie, Fawlty Towers, Red Dwarf. Comfort reading: the Importance of Being Earnest, my T's book!

Comfort viewing: The Last of the Summer Wine.

It's changed for me over time. Growing up, I read (and re-read and re-re-read.....ad infinitum) The Complete Adventures of Sherlock Holmes -- it was incredibly soothing. At one point, I competed in some (very very very) local rounds of a BBC Mastermind type quiz show with Sherlock Holmes as my specialty.

Nowadays, I really miss having any one thing be a sure-fire way to be soothed -- it's hit or miss in terms of finding a good book or long form article that'll be absorbing enough to serve the purpose. I (sadly) suspect a part of it may be that my capacity for sustained attention has greatly diminished over time (some combination of just aging + the internet + mental health stuff).