Couch 134 - The Untriquadium Couch

Ah, Compo

Ooh, definitely Red Dwarf for me too! ...and other great british comedies: Peep Show, Spaced, The IT Crowd... and more sci-fi comedy, Futurama

Love your eclectic list of comfort-viewing, Crocus!

For a few years, until about a year ago and finding the right medication, I found I couldn't focus on reading. That changed a year ago...but now I can't focus on watching any shows or movies.

I would read short stories when I couldn't read more than a few pages at a time.

Are you still feeling bad about what happened with your job? Because I don't think you should. You did the right thing by staying home and taking care of your son.

That I mattered and was somehow important to my t. How could I be so deluded for so long?

A big part of me really believed him when he said "I will always be there for you" and then they take it away

((BCM))

You matter to me.

A T should not make promises they can't keep. In my perfect opinion.

I watch Roseanne. I've seen every episode. I don't know why it's comforting to me because she is loud and obnoxious

I enjoy all of those (well - not the therapist's book) and add in Waiting for God, Blackadder and the movie Wet Hot American Summer when I am stressed.

I also watch opera on you tube when I need comfort. I am partial to Mozart, Handel, and Gilbert and Sullivan. I went through an odd phase of watching every version of Carmen I could find.

I used to read fiction a lot

I loved vonnegut the most. I also liked bukowski and John steinbeck...and many more

I can't concentrate to read now

I watch random stuff on YouTube, like Xfactor auditions and Guy Tang and Wayne Goss because they are fabulous! And Dr. Pimple Popper because I am truly mentally ill, but also because I find them fascinating in a gross way. And maybe I read so much paranormal romance because it's not real so I couldn't possibly ever have those relationships and therefore cannot be missing them in my life.

(((Crocus)))

You know, maybe I'm wrong (read: I have no idea what I'm talking about) but this sounds like something that someone with a good therapist has never said. Maybe it's because it was such a struggle for me to find a good therapist, I tend to think they are hard to come by. But maybe the therapist water is better where you live or maybe you really have done all you can with this one. Could you see a second while still seeing this one? If nothing else, your h might never again complain about your seeing just one.

aw thanks! don't worry, i don't know what my drastic change is either.
oh crocus i hate that you think you are wanting things you can't or don't deserve to have. i get it, but comparison sucks. believe me, i do it all the time.
what happened?


I have never felt so alone/like an alien as I have been lately, today being an especially illuminating example. a friend from the derby team i quit bc i am the worst was like "i am coming to your house. get in my car." she took me out to lunch, not that i ate. it only made me feel worse. i have no joy, was barely talking, and....(triggered for not so healthy thoughts)



i have no one except my T to tell these things to. No one who truly understands the pit i am in. on the inside i am on fire and screaming, but on the outside i am fine. i can't get myself to reach past my own self-destruction to actually ask for help, so i won't.

I'm not taking what anybody else says as gospel of course, more as food for thought. I appreciate everyone's input who hears my situation. I'm not making any snap decisions for sure!! But there's a good point - seeing a 2nd for a short time would make my h stop complaining about seeing only one.

Anyway upon reflection on my drive home, I think probably just a discussion with t about the whole thing is what's in order and maybe we just need to change up the way we work or something.

I don't know.

I do seem to have a lot going on in my life atat.. I feel bad I got fired not because I stayed home with son when he was sick, but because the next week I just didn't show up.. because I was too depressed to deal with a job, especially one that I hate. But it was irresponsible of me because we need the money right now.

I am also feeling bad because of the state of my marriage. I want to be done, but neither of us can afford to move out. My husband is meeting with a t on Monday (he used to be our my) because I told him he has to or we were separating. However, I am done. My feelings just aren't there for him.

And dealing with the guilt I carry from the wrongs I have done that he doesn't even know about.

And t has been so busy, after emailing, calling and leaving a vm, and texting. We finally exchanged a few texts yesterday evening. I do have an appointment with him earlier in the week than normal, but that's not because he has to cancel our regularly scheduled appointment because he is so damn busy. If I had to wait another week I would of had words for him.

Wow, that's a helluva lot you're dealing with, healed.

I am really not the person to give any suggestions on marriage stuff but in all such cases, I would urge anyone to be as ruthlessly pragmatic as possible in dealing with stuff around finances first (before addressing any huge emotional issues).

I hope things become less awful for you soon

Healed - I think we all do the best we can with what we have at any given moment. Guilt is a useful emotion for a limited time only, mostly in helping us learn from our mistakes. But at some point I think we just have to live with whatever it is we regret and move on from there: we just have to accept that we did what we did and it was what we could do at that moment. (This is not something I am good at myself.)

I don't think I know your story, but would you be able to tolerate living with your husband as sort of like roommates until one of you can move out? Some couples I know have done this because of kids or money. It is trying, but sometimes they find they can at least be friendly.

Does your therapist know how bad stuff is? Could you maybe work some extra support in, like a quick check-in call between appointments?

When I went to my training today, I was feeling very disconnected from that part of myself - the spiritual part - and I talked about that during our opening circle. I'm feeling re-connected now after spending most of the day learning, sharing and practicing. I let all the crap with h and our son throw me way out of balance and today was my time to get myself back in balance. I am thinking much more clearly now. In fact, after our closing circle where we shared what we were grateful for, our facilitator told me "you look much better in your eyes than you did when you got here today." It's true. I feel so much more centered and back to "me". My marriage is still a mess, but at least I have found my "me" back and that is a good thing. That is what I need to hold onto. Because if my marriage is indeed over, me is what I'm still gonna have when all is said and done. I told my friends today that I'm getting to the point where it's quite probably becoming a choice between my marriage or myself. And I have to choose myself.

Ok enough about this maudlin topic.

Let's party! Since lucozader is giving us all cushions, we can have a pillow fight!!

Yes, I am good at holding on to guilt as I sure a lot of us are. T and I have been talking a lot about H and I being the kind of couple who just coexist together and not officially separate until we are both in a better place financially, and we have time for the kids to adjust to the idea especially my son who has ASD, and happens to love his father very much. He splitting his time with his dad, as well as dealing with new routines, new places will be a lot on him and probably doing that to him in the middle of the school year would jut not be a good idea. I am just not sure if I can continue like this. So, we'll see.

T does know, to an extent things have slowly been going down hill for me. it really started about a month ago when my older abusive brother did something that really triggered me, then my twin brother got sick and was in the hospital, and then my husband did something, which made me give him the ultimatum he go to therapy or I leave. So, we've talked about all of this.. he does not know that my SI has come back, that was kind of the intentions of reaching out to him this week, but explaining just how bad things have gotten via text message is just not a good way to get it all out. I called and left a message on Friday and he responded by texting, so I am not sure he will actually take a phone or has time for a phone call. I am to the point that I will continue to cope how I have been coping, which isn't great, but not terrible. and- if things get bad. I will just go to the ER. If T doesn't have time to deal with my crisis... then I will go and hide in a hospital room for a couple of days until I a bit more stable.

and apparently I pissed my h off.. he just went to bed not saying goodnight and slamming the door behind him.

I should probably learn to keep my comments to myself. He has been doing a lot for me, since all this divorce talk started...like bringing me coffee as soon as I get out of bed, making me meals, etc. So, he offered to go out to the car and get something for me, and said, Do you think doing stuff for me will keep me from leaving? and that was enough to piss him off.

It's my fault..I have been showing some mixed signals this week a little bit too. I need to be clear to him that I am done.

i know i am deeply depressed when i listen to Everybody Hurts by REM and cry.

i'm sorry, healed.

It's crying music. Perhaps listen to something more cheerful?

yeah..except i rarely cry. i've listened to it about 5 times in a row now.

When I do that it feels like i am punishing myself, perhaps for being sad?