"you're not resilient"

My T said this to me today and I'm troubled by it. She said it in the context of nature versus nurture, i.e. that we are a combination of both, not one or the other. I know she wants a good result for me, or positive development. But I've always been troubled by how I suspect she judges the environment of my upbringing. Should a T be saying that? Is it helpful? Or is it an attempt to get me to submit to her. I don't understand it and don't like it.

I don't like it either. Resilience is bouncing back from difficulties, and not all difficulties can be recovered from easily.

Thank you for your reply .

Regarding the nature vs nurture talk I believe this is a necessary topic to discuss in therapy. I can see how nurture has played a big part in my emotional health and the problems I have today. Was your T commanding you to be more resilient? Or was it a comment and observation?

I would like to work on being able to be more resilient, and overcoming other things too. I think her comment was a professional judgement about my early years. I think, I feel, she's never quite believed what I want her to understand about things that were damaging in my early past. I feel she's trying to have the "last word" on that by telling me she sees it as at least as much about my biology as the environment that I feel was hurtful.

Hmm. A strange thing to say. I believe that if we survive every day, we are resilient. But I don't know the context in which your therapist made such a comment.

The topic of what transpired in my past with my family is a sensitive one for me. She *definitely* made the comment "you're not resilient" to mean, your traumatic experiences -- if they really were traumatic -- were what they were, but I see you as not resilient (i.e. according to your biology) so therefore, really, I'm saying your experiences weren't so bad, it was as much if not mostly about your biology.

That would bother me. If it were me, I'd ask what she meant and if that's what she's trying to say. I'd want to have an open dialogue with my therapist about it because what she said would bother me, especially if I wasn't sure what she meant.

If I were you, I wouldn't let it bother me. It is an age old saying when we've come to the conclusion of if we are right or wrong and can't figure it out. I myself see no damage done, but if it bothers you a lot you should bring it up next time you see her.good luck

It's an odd comment, I think. I would mention your discomfort about it to her.

It was an inappropriate assertion. She should have said "it seems we need to work on your coping skills so you can become more resilient " I would have understood. These people are quacks half the time. Truly stupid. I'm sorry that was said to you....she can't judge your overall resilience....there are too many factors and experiences you've had which she couldn't possible know or fully understand.

I think I would take it as some kind of criticism. It would make me feel bad about myself, which is not what T should be doing.
I agree with those who say it would be good to ask T about it.
I hope you are ok. ( But not because I'm doubting whether you are resilient!!)

Sometimes I think others would not have been as harmed by my upbringing as I was, and certainly my various Ts have commented that I am sensitive. Adverse experiences (whether or not overtly traumatic) would affect a sensitive constitution more than a more 'robust' one, but I also think sensitivity brings with it much more potential. The fact that you see her appraisal as a criticism of your innate temperament is something I think you should raise.

Therapists are only supposed to open their mouths when what they have to say has some value to the client.

I don't see how "you're not resilient" has any therapeutic value whatsoever. It's creepily like what those nasty little pick up artists do when they 'neg' women. It's a tried and true technique for manipulation, so I think your gut instinct that she's looking for submission is probably correct.

There are people, and some of them are therapists, who like to collect weaker people around them to abuse when it suits them. I see telling someone that they are weak is testing behavior. Will you accept that? Will you become more submissive as a result?

A therapist isn't supposed to sit there and tell you who or what you are. They're supposed to help you find the best version of yourself. Her comment was thoughtless and inept at best, and grooming behavior at worst.

Maybe it's different in the context of your therapy, but that comment sounds awful to me. I'd have a hard time working with a T who said that to me.

Thank you, thank you very much for your helpful replies! (Didn't realize this had flowed onto a second page.) In fairness, the therapist in question is up front about having a style that is challenging. I'm apprehensive for the coming session because this is connected to something I've had issues with before (w/ same T) and it's never felt resolved, just swept under a rug.