Hugs in therapy - only for the clients sake? Therapist doesn´t need our hugs.

To me it´s not so much about payment or not payment, it´s the fact that the hug can´t be mutual as my counselor is in a professional role and I´m in a private role.

I´ll always be the dependent one, at least emotionally, and even if my counselor hugs me back it won´t be as comforting as if she gave me a spontaneous hug.

Degrading situation happens when I try to give her a hug and she is about to turn round to take a seat or when I for example wait for her to greet her with a hug. That doesn´t mean she dislikes the hug, it´s the lack of mutual initiative, that she sometimes hugs me first and sometimes I hug her first. That doesn´t happen and by that perhaps it´s better to just smile and say "hello" and just go inside the room and take a seat.

I think what it boils down to is that she's your therapist. She won't give you a hug like a friend or a family member would because she's none of those things. I think you want her to be something she can't and never will be. My therapist and I shake hands at the beginning and at the end of the session. I'm not under the impression that she's doing this because she *likes* to shake my hand, she's doing it because that's a professional greeting. I don't understand why everything has to be SO serious and SO meaningful to you. When I went to the bakery today to buy some croissants, my baker wished me a "Happy Easter". Did she actually mean it? Does it matter? No. It's just what people say, it's the polite thing to say. That's what a big part of life is about: polite interactions with people you don't really care about. I suspect your therapist hugs you for the same reason: a polite thing to do. And that's ok. You can find the real meaningful relationships *outside* of therapy. But that means making an effort to meet people. And yes that's hard. But not impossible. Take care.

Thanks. I don´t want her to be my friend, I know she can´t be as she´s my counselor but there are a lot of different ways of conducting therapy. A hug doesn´t always have to be one-sided, that is the client gives the hug first, it can as well be the therapist who sometimes gives the hug first.

There´s a huge difference between seeing a baker for a few minutes and a therapist, of course you expect more closeness from a counselor than a baker, at least I do. You don´t share deeply personal stuff with your baker, not in general at least. With a baker, a hairdresser or such, I don´t expect such a meeting to be especially meaningful, nor serious.

To want a hug from a therapist and finding that important doesn´t imply that you´re incapable of looking for deep relationships in real life, nor that you don´t put effort in finding such relationships.

Many people use a therapist for their the thirty in dealing with life issues. Many spend a lot of time outside of therapy figuring out how to help struggling clients, continuing education, etc. Sure some want the therapists to do nothing besides a it there and listen and pretend to care while not saying a word. I could hire anybody in any professional and say sit there and shut up. That would not be how they normally perform their job nor does it mean they do nothing but sit there

There is a difference between wanting the therapist to be more than they are, and expecting it. Therapy relationships have built-in constraints that make some people absolutely miserable and worse than before. Expressing dissatisfaction with that is not the same as naively expecting the constraints to be removed.

Honestly I don't understand what you want. You say you don't want her to be your friend but at the same time you want that hug to be super meaningful to her. If your counsellor was initiating the hug, I'm pretty sure you'd find a way to be upset with her about something else. It seems like you want to find flaws with your therapists in general, you pick the smallest, most random details and turn them into huge things. Sorry, I wasn't comparing a baker to a therapist. I was simply using this example to illustrate that people (unless they're family or friends) do polite things all the time that aren't super meaningful to them. Since your counsellor isn't family or a friend, she's hugging you out of politeness. Which is fine. You could just enjoy that hug for what it is. But you want that hug to be more. That's unrealistic imo. I'm also not saying that you're incapable of looking for deep relationships, quite the contrary. You've said that you're lonely. Looking for a deep meaning in a therapy setting isn't a good idea in my opinion. It's only outside of therapy that you will find meaningful relationships. And I was simply saying that it's hard to find those but it's not impossible.

Thanks. To me there´s no logic between constraints like when the client always is the one who initiate a hug, wishes a nice weekend or such and the T or counselor stays very neutral. At the same time I´m supposed to act as if the T was a very close person to me and share very private details about my life.

If the T is quite cold, can´t be spontaneous in saying something nice at the end of a session or such, that just makes me want to shut down and just talk about shallow or non important things.

To me a therapeutic relationship is "give and take" as well even if it´s more restricted and I´m much more pro the newer forms of therapy which allows the T to use more of him- or herself and create a warmer setting for therapy.

I find it only possible to use the woman (or the second one) because she is not real to me. For me, it would not work at all if either of us acted like she was close to me or if there was anything mutual or anything but Other. I choose to pay those who don't bother trying to pretend to care - or at least those who will stop it when I tell them to do so.
Nothing in their literature, from any I have sued, or hired, have ever shown me or explained how they have expertise in anything beyond sitting there.
I do believe some, if not most, of them like/need the idea that clients are attached to them and want the therapist to care, hug etc. I think it strokes their egos. So in that sense, I think it can be said that some do need their client's hugs and admiration etc.

It's definitely not mutual, in my opinion. They don't "need" a hug. They are service providers that we hired for mental health treatment. If one stands back and views it objectively...for ethical Ts...they care about their clients but it's business. They work for us. We help pay their house payment, T's clients. In exchange they provide therapy sessions with their boundary policies. It's a unique experience but it's business for them.

My T gladly hugs me if I ask. But only if I ask. Good hugs but for my benefit...not hers. It's fine for me. I don't want personal because then it's no longer therapy, IMO. =]