[rainbow8]

I visited my family for a week and had a good time. I missed 2 sessions but it didn't bother me. But often I feel disappointed by my family and I'm thinking my expectations may be too high because of the care I get from T.

I probably shouldn't have said it, but when I was back home I told my daughter in a phone conversation that I feel like my T cares more about me than they do. I got the expected tirade of "you pay her to care. She's not your friend, etc." I tried to clarify that I FEEL like T cares more, not that she does. I feel like my family just tolerates grandma. They don't ask how I am or make me feel wanted. Not like my T does. I know we love each other, and it's always hectic with the family so I'm probably being unfair. My daughter and I talked about it and that helped. Still, I do feel like T shows more concern for me than my own family does. And it IS because it's her job and I pay her. I think it makes me expect more, though. She has to listen to me go on and on about things while my family can call me annoying. That's just an example.

I suppose I have to try harder with my family and realize they aren't my T! I don't know the point of this thread. At least I didn't argue with my daughter about how much T cares. That wasn't the point. I just wanted some caring and love from my family.

[unaluna]

I think that you and your daughter talking about things is a positive and expected result of being in t.

[ruh roh]

I'm kind of surprised because the impression I've had is that you mostly complain about the things your therapist doesn't do or doesn't do well enough. So it's maybe more of a pattern with everyone?

That said, I do think that families tend to dis the older generation at gatherings. My mom used to report that she got parked on the sofa (according to her accounts--I never attended). But it has nothing to do with comparing that against the attention of a therapist whose job is to listen and be interested (and I'm not complaining about that--I love that I have the option for a therapist to talk to). It's just how I think a lot of families operate. Maybe you can blow their minds and take up a singing career or something--really make them re-think who you are.

[stopdog]

That has never been my experience of a therapist.
But I think families are different - my mother and I loved each other -but could only spend 3 days staying with each other. It might have been different if we ever had lived in the same city as both adults - because then each can retreat back to their own home.

[RubyRae]

Can T's Caring Set Us Up For Disappointment From Others?

I believe it can and does,but I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing.

For me,having someone that seemed like they genuinely cared about me,cared about what I felt and thought,treated me with respect,made me feel like I am important and actually mattered made me want and expect that same treatment from those around me.It made me realize I deserve that type of treatment just the same as everyone else.

I was then able to remove many toxic and abusive people from my life.

[Monarch Butterfly]

I haven't been with a therapist long enough to know about caring. I know my family (siblings, dad, mom) act like they dont care about me. Their actions and words. Abusive.
So when someone shows care towards me it makes feel their is hope and I'm worthy.

RubyRae pointed out it ables you to remove toxic people from your life.

[LonesomeTonight]

I admit I've struggled with this a bit too, particularly with marriage counselor and H. Like if I'm crying in the middle of session, MC often will be trying to calm me down (using his voice and body language--no touch or anything) while H is just sitting there, looking at me. And that's how it usually is when I'm upset at home, too. So it felt like MC cared more about me being upset than H. But that's also just in those 50 minutes a week (and occasionally on phone/text/e-mail). And he's trained to show his caring outwardly--H cares but just isn't good at showing it. Plus H is there dealing with me all the time.

The thing with a therapist is that it's a one-way relationship. They care about and put their full attention on their clients. And don't expect that attention back. So...just out of curiosity, are you trying to show your family lots of attention and caring? Because I know that's one thing with my H, I expect all this caring from him, but then there is other stuff he's looking for from me (not the same as what I'm looking for from him--referring to stuff like keeping house clean, appreciating him, etc.). So I guess make sure you're also trying to meet your family's needs? Again, I struggle with this some, too, so this is not me being critical at all. Just giving you something to think about. If you're there for them all the time and not getting anything back, then yeah...that's on them for sure. Hugs...

Therapists are not like real-life relationships, and it's probably something to keep in mind. Therapists, like it or not, are paid to sit and keep us in their undivided focus. Their job is to listen to our problems and perhaps provide feedback and support (depending on what we use them for). They have no real personal stake in our lives. They aren't related to us, so they aren't actually part of our real-life story. They (hopefully) have a skill set that involves active listening, objectivity, and positive regard.

Our families and friends are none of the above. They are part of our history with very clear biases about us and they are going to let us know about them. They are going to be real with us whether we like it or not because those relationships are not paid and not professional; they are personal. The personal boundaries and family dynamics are very different than those with a paid therapist. Our family and friends generally don't want to be our therapist, and quite honestly, I don't want to be theirs either. I'll listen and support family and friends to a point, but there is a point at which some things are just too much. It's important to remember those limitations. It isn't because they don't necessarily care, but often is more about really having their own limitations about how much they can personally ingest of other people's baggage.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by unaluna

I think that you and your daughter talking about things is a positive and expected result of being in t.

I agree!

Originally Posted by ruh roh

I'm kind of surprised because the impression I've had is that you mostly complain about the things your therapist doesn't do or doesn't do well enough. So it's maybe more of a pattern with everyone?

That said, I do think that families tend to dis the older generation at gatherings. My mom used to report that she got parked on the sofa (according to her accounts--I never attended). But it has nothing to do with comparing that against the attention of a therapist whose job is to listen and be interested (and I'm not complaining about that--I love that I have the option for a therapist to talk to). It's just how I think a lot of families operate. Maybe you can blow their minds and take up a singing career or something--really make them re-think who you are.

Your answer is surprising to me. I thought that I mostly have positive things to say about my T on here! If I don't come across that way, it is an eye opener for me! My kids say how negative I am, and yes, it's a trait I can't seem to change. My T is always trying to get me to see positives in my life. But I love my T! Do I really complain about her a lot?
I have to laugh about the singing career suggestion! Did you know I take voice lessons? I think I mentioned it a few times in posts! I'm not going for a career, LOL, but my family has heard me burst forth into song! It's fun!

Originally Posted by stopdog

That has never been my experience of a therapist.
But I think families are different - my mother and I loved each other -but could only spend 3 days staying with each other. It might have been different if we ever had lived in the same city as both adults - because then each can retreat back to their own home.

I love to be with my family in spite of my feeling left out. Grandchildren are a wonderful treasure for me! Yes, families are different.

Originally Posted by RubyRae

Can T's Caring Set Us Up For Disappointment From Others?

I believe it can and does,but I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing.

For me,having someone that seemed like they genuinely cared about me,cared about what I felt and thought,treated me with respect,made me feel like I am important and actually mattered made me want and expect that same treatment from those around me.It made me realize I deserve that type of treatment just the same as everyone else.

I was then able to remove many toxic and abusive people from my life.

My family are not toxic. It's not like that at all. I just wish they treated me as though I were important. It's not malicious on their part. My tendency to feel shut out has a lot to do with it. I need reassurance that I'm loved, and T gives me that.

Originally Posted by Monarch Butterfly

I haven't been with a therapist long enough to know about caring. I know my family (siblings, dad, mom) act like they dont care about me. Their actions and words. Abusive.
So when someone shows care towards me it makes feel their is hope and I'm worthy.

RubyRae pointed out it ables you to remove toxic people from your life.

I'm sorry your family is abusive. Mine isn't; they are just busy with their own lives. I'm grateful that no one is toxic. It's a more subtle feeling of being disregarded and . unimportant. That's why I wonder if I'm expecting too much. I also need to work on my treating them the way I want to be treated, especially my daughter. I'm going to talk to my T about it.

[RubyRae]

My family are not toxic. It's not like that at all. I just wish they treated me as though I were important. It's not malicious on their part. My tendency to feel shut out has a lot to do with it. I need reassurance that I'm loved, and T gives me that

Maybe our definition of toxic differs.To me,if someone doesn't treat me as though I am important and I have to question their love,I consider them toxic since it really impacts my well being.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I admit I've struggled with this a bit too, particularly with marriage counselor and H. Like if I'm crying in the middle of session, MC often will be trying to calm me down (using his voice and body language--no touch or anything) while H is just sitting there, looking at me. And that's how it usually is when I'm upset at home, too. So it felt like MC cared more about me being upset than H. But that's also just in those 50 minutes a week (and occasionally on phone/text/e-mail). And he's trained to show his caring outwardly--H cares but just isn't good at showing it. Plus H is there dealing with me all the time.

The thing with a therapist is that it's a one-way relationship. They care about and put their full attention on their clients. And don't expect that attention back. So...just out of curiosity, are you trying to show your family lots of attention and caring? Because I know that's one thing with my H, I expect all this caring from him, but then there is other stuff he's looking for from me (not the same as what I'm looking for from him--referring to stuff like keeping house clean, appreciating him, etc.). So I guess make sure you're also trying to meet your family's needs? Again, I struggle with this some, too, so this is not me being critical at all. Just giving you something to think about. If you're there for them all the time and not getting anything back, then yeah...that's on them for sure. Hugs...

I posted before I read your reply! Yes, I do think I'm not so good at meeting my family's needs. My daughter works very hard and has a lot of kids. Her husband is wonderful at helping with childcare and cooking, but my daughter is like me. She needs more emotional support. She doesn't like hugs; I have to use words more carefully. It's hard for me because negative and critical things come out and I don't even realize it! I would like to be different but it's very hard. We love each other. No question about that.

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Therapists are not like real-life relationships, and it's probably something to keep in mind. Therapists, like it or not, are paid to sit and keep us in their undivided focus. Their job is to listen to our problems and perhaps provide feedback and support (depending on what we use them for). They have no real personal stake in our lives. They aren't related to us, so they aren't actually part of our real-life story. They (hopefully) have a skill set that involves active listening, objectivity, and positive regard.

Our families and friends are none of the above. They are part of our history with very clear biases about us and they are going to let us know about them. They are going to be real with us whether we like it or not because those relationships are not paid and not professional; they are personal. The personal boundaries and family dynamics are very different than those with a paid therapist. Our family and friends generally don't want to be our therapist, and quite honestly, I don't want to be theirs either. I'll listen and support family and friends to a point, but there is a point at which some things are just too much. It's important to remember those limitations. It isn't because they don't necessarily care, but often is more about really having their own limitations about how much they can personally ingest of other people's baggage.

Yes, thank you. I know it's easy for my T to love me for 1
hour a week because I pay her. That's why I feel the way I do. I wish my family were a little bit like her but I know you're absolutely right. I have a problem with feeling ignored and shut out so that's what I need to work on. Plus being more supportive of some of my family. It's difficult for me to change. It seems so ingrained. They're young so why can't they try to make me feel more important? It's not intentional, and I do have low energy, which makes it worse. I'll see what my T thinks I can do. We've talked about this before.

[ruh roh]

That's so funny about the singing! No, I did not know you've been taking lessons. haha. That's awesome.

[here today]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

. . .
My family are not toxic. It's not like that at all. I just wish they treated me as though I were important. It's not malicious on their part. My tendency to feel shut out has a lot to do with it. I need reassurance that I'm loved, and T gives me that.
. . .

Do you think that could have more to do with your family of origin than your current family -- kids and grandchildren? That's something I've come to have to recognize, as a mother of grown children and grandmother. And the rupture without repair -- and feeling rejected and put down -- by my last therapist has helped me to guess how some of that feeling of being unimportant and wanting reassurance that I am loved came about. I wasn't even that aware of it until I felt so rejected and put down by my last T. I know that's not your experience with your T -- instead you seem to be getting what you need. But also, maybe a warning?, or maybe not -- what would happen if you did get disappointed with your T?

For me, I also have (still) to come to terms with the (likely) fact that I didn't get what I needed when I needed it, and developed all kinds of compensation for that, and then my late husband DID love me, which was great, but then he died. . .

All this to say -- I know that life as an older person can still be very complicated!

But I certainly agree -- grandchildren are great! Just watching them is such fun. I don't get to do it a lot. Or, maybe if it were more frequent it wouldn't be such fun.

[Moment]

I can understand what you are saying but the therapy relationship is different. It can point you to issues in the "real world," and help you see what you are missing. But I would never express my feelings to my family in the same raw, unbridled way that I do to my therapist, who is trained to put the client first and be non-defensive and accepting.

I have to say, if someone in my family told me they felt that their T cared about them more than I did, I would probably have a similar kind of reaction as your daughter. The feeling you have may be very real, and your daughter's actions in the real world may contribute to that feeling, but it's not such a helpful thing for you to say to your kid. It seems, to me, like it's designed to induce guilt. It's kind of a passive aggressive thing to say. It's like someone saying mournfully, "You don't love me!" The response you get is going to be "Yes I do," but it's going to be a kind of angry response. This approach is unlikely to get you the kind of caring and reassurance that you want. In fact, it's going to get you the exact opposite--people will feel like no matter what you do, you will find them wanting.

What might help more is asking for specific things you need in a much more positive way: "You know, daughter, I really love chatting with you and I feel lonely when I don't hear from you in awhile. I wish you'd call me once a week." That conveys a positive message to your daughter, expresses your emotional need, and suggests a specific thing for her to do.

I will say, though, that I felt neglected by my family, and tried conveying that in the positive and specific way I suggested above, and they have completely failed to do the incredibly minor things I asked for. So, you know, sometimes families really do just disappoint you. It is sad. But the sadness of that is separate from my relationship with my therapist. It's not useful to compare the two.

[BayBrony]

I almost feel the opposite.
My T gives me unconditional love but certainly doesnt give me what i want or feel like i need all the time. With mu mother being abusive i never got the experience as a very small child of differentiating between small rejections ( i can't read you a story right now)where the essential love relationship remains and BIG rejection ( i wish i had aborted you, etc) where the relationship is fundamentally broken.
To me even a small rejection used to feel like a threat to the entire relationship. Now i have had the experience with my T of being rejected in many small ways while hsving the core of the relationship remain intact.

Now i deal much better with small rejections and since im not so hyper sensitive my relationships have less conflict and i am able to receive more of the love around me even when its imperfect.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I visited my family for a week and had a good time. I missed 2 sessions but it didn't bother me. But often I feel disappointed by my family and I'm thinking my expectations may be too high because of the care I get from T.

I know what I want to say but I don't know how to say it...

If experience of T shows you how hollow your other relationships are, that must be a good thing in the long run.

You'll improve the relationships worth keeping and drop the others.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I know what I want to say but I don't know how to say it...

If experience of T shows you how hollow your other relationships are, that must be a good thing in the long run.

You'll improve the relationships worth keeping and drop the others.

Maybe, but I have no intention of dropping my immediate family. My T says it's something within ME. Not that they are perfect, but if I loved myself enough, I wouldn't feel like I needed more from them. The relationships aren't hollow. I am just too needy and too negative.