[sunrise]

A couple of days ago, I had one of those transcendent therapy sessions. Before that, I had been for a long couples session over the weekend, and it had not gone well—understatement! Hours after that session, I grew more and more hurt. Out came a poem, which I posted here earlier, with themes of abandonment and betrayal. I was so hurt, that's all I could call forth. (Poetry is like that, isn’t it? Reserved for the strongest emotions that are hard to express any other way.) As more time passed, I just got effing pissed off at my T for letting that couples session go the way it did, for failing to protect me and provide a safe space for conflict, for some of the boneheaded things he said in the session that showed he totally misunderstood everything, and for seeming to “get” my husband more than he got me. I was so angry at him, and it just grew worse and worse. By the time my individual session rolled around two days later, I could barely contain my anger, and I was terrified of expressing it. I have never been angry at my T before. Plus, I am really bad at being angry, and tend to just stuff it inside, where it lives forever in dark, labyrinthian corridors. Who wants that stuff to escape, cascade over their trusted therapist, and bury him?

When I first arrive at my individual session, I keep him at a distance and deflect his efforts to engage me. He knows something is up. After some false starts, I say, “the session this weekend wasn’t that great for me.” Tell me more, he says. I blurt, I’m never going to do that again, a line ripped from my poem. I’m never coming here again with my husband, I hurl at him. What? he says. Sunny, wait. Slow down. What? He sounds a little exasperated and somehow, that pleases me. I can’t go any further. Suddenly I become concerned that my water bottle shouldn’t be resting on his wood end table, because it might leave a ring. I have never been concerned by this before. There is a stack of wooden coasters in a circular frame. I try to take the top coaster, but it won’t lift out. Have you ever done that box before? he asks. No, I say, looking more closely at it and realizing it is not a stack of coasters. He comes to sit on a stool right in front of the end table, right in front of me. We are so close, inches away. I feel him. I feel our bond, which I have been avoiding so far this session, not allowing it to be. It is so strong. I want to hum I want to purr I want him there forever. I take the wooden pieces apart and set them in a circle around the frame. I try to lift off the hidden lid, but it doesn’t come. He leans in closer and shows me how to slide the lid off sideways. He is so close. We are together. I feel us. The sound of his voice holds me--what is he saying? Just stay here, I want to say. This is enough. We reassemble the puzzle box. Then he leaves and returns to his couch across from me. Don’t go, I want to say. I am left with a very visceral and real reminder of our bond, a physical memory, and it gives me strength. I feel our connection at last, and our shared history in that connection, of all that has passed between us before. Now can you tell me? he asks, and I do.

You said I could bring him here and we could have our conflict. That it would be safe to do that, and it wasn’t, I accused. You said you would protect me, and you didn’t. Silence. After a while, he offers an interpretation. I think you felt abandoned when you were here. Abandoned by me. We weren’t connected. And you watched me with your husband, and we lost each other. You have been abandoned a lot before. I can feel your hurt. (Basically, T said what was in my poem, without even having to read it.)

Yes, I agreed. There’s that and more too. I’m really angry with you about some things you said at that session. Angry about what? Tell me. I begin again. Here I am having these problems with my husband, the divorce, the whole thing. The last few weeks have been really hard. And now I’m getting mad at my therapist. I don’t need to be mad at my therapist now, I say, rather vehemently. Yes you do, he says, gently. What you need right now, more than anything, is to be mad. You can hardly contain it. Sunny, it’s OK to be mad at your therapist. It’s OK to be mad at me. Tell me why you’re angry at me. Then we can explore it. And I can show you how we can fix our bond.

Silence. Can’t do it.

He leans forward toward me. You and I... our relationship, he says, is very special. When it is right between us, it is beautiful. This is intimacy, he says, gesturing at himself and me. And it is different than any other relationship and may be the most intimate relationship you have ever had. I nod. It’s true. When you come here, he continues, and sometimes when we talk, the way we weave together, we are so connected. It is phenomenal. His eyes are tearing up. He leans forward even more. I am tearing up too. I lean closer. You are so dear to me, he says. And he makes a fist with one hand, clasps it in the other, and places both hands against his heart. I hold you in my heart, he says.

He gives me some space then by pulling back and talking about cycles of rupture and repair, Winnicott, and the good enough mother/therapist. He tells me it is OK to be angry at him. That he will show me that he can accept my anger and it will only strengthen our relationship, not break it. He will not yell at me and blame me like my husband does. Or like my mother did. He will tolerate my anger, and we will work through it together, and it will be OK. That is part of our therapy. We will come out the other side, closer than ever, still feeling the same about each other. And each time we do this, it will be easier, and our relationship will be stronger. That we can’t be connected all the time, and sometimes when we are not, we need to repair those times. “So go ahead. Tell me why you are angry, and let’s start repairing.”

Well, who could resist that? And we work through each thing I am angry about, and after each, he asks, is there more? Finally, there is no more and I’m no longer angry at him. And he and I understand how we miscommunicated and what lead to my anger. I understand a lot more about what went on during the couples session. He discovered there are big chunks of that session I have no memory of, when really significant things were said by him, or my husband. “You dissociated,” he said. “A lot. You were in so much pain, both from your husband and how you felt abandoned by me, that you checked out. I’ll have to watch for that. I know now that when your husband is here too, I have to stay more connected to you so I don’t lose you, so you don’t dissociate. I’ve learned something important that will help us when you bring him here next time. Thank you. I am so proud of you for being angry at me.”

When I get up to leave, he is standing, and I must walk past him to reach the door. I approach him and hesitate, just barely. He says, “share a hug?” and I am instantly in his arms. He holds me so tight for so long. And he says some things, but who knows what. I think I say thank you. Then I am out the door.

(If you read this whole thing, thank you! Writing it out helped me to process what happened.)

[Mouse_]

Sunrise, yes I read the whole post and loved the dance with anger! You described the perfect resolution for working through anger. I am very pleased for you.

[Perna]

What a wonderful session! Sounds like you learned so much that will be helpful to you in future sessions with your husband with your T. Bet you don't "check out" as much next time!

[sidony]

Wow that is really beautiful. An amazing read. Thank you for sharing that story, and I'm really glad you could work through your anger with your therapist.

Intimacy is such a beautiful thing.

Sidony

that does sound like a terrific session. i'm so glad that you got to talk about how you felt last time and that you were able to work hard to repair the connection. it can hurt so much when the connection goes away :-( i'm so glad that you have some good memories this week.

[(JD)]

Yes, you have a keeper there (in a T.)

[MissCharlotte]

Sunrise,

When I read your poem I was worried about you. I am so glad you and T were able to work through the difficult session with your husband. I must say, it makes me ever so hesitant to bring my husband to therapy. Your post was beautiful. Thanks for sharing it.

[sunrise]

Thanks Mouse, Perna, sidony, alexandra_k, sky, and sister.

Thinking back on the session, I see the time T and I spent doing the puzzle box together as very important. Sometimes my T's skill amazes me. I was being very resistant to him (for a longer time than I indicated in my recap), yet he knew something important had to get out, and I wouldn't let him connect and was scared to proceed without the connection. Meanwhile, the clock was ticking (sunny, get on with it already), so he just came and physically sat very close to me to help us connect. And bingo, sure did the charm. When I felt the connection, he backed off, and then I had the courage to talk. How did he know to do that?

I'm still feeling really good about this session. I feel like not only did I get to mend things with T, but like maybe this was a turning point for me and anger. While I was expressing the anger in session, I did not feel awful. And afterwards, I didn't feel awful either. Usually, if I do get angry (only happens very rarely), it feels so very very bad to me that I can get depressed and will swear off it for ages. It just didn't feel like that with T, probably because of his accepting response. It felt OK to be angry!!!! I think in my mind, a mandatory link between being angry and feeling bad/getting a bad response has been broken. I think maybe I could get angry again and be OK (I don't mean necessarily with T, but with anyone). I am almost eager to try.

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_Sky said:
Yes, you have a keeper there (in a T.)

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Amen to that.

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sister said:
When I read your poem I was worried about you. I am so glad you and T were able to work through the difficult session with your husband. I must say, it makes me ever so hesitant to bring my husband to therapy. Your post was beautiful. Thanks for sharing it.

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Thanks for being concerned about me when you read the poem, sister. It was really a low moment when I wrote that. Yes, the session with my husband was difficult, but we have had 8 other couples sessions, and only one other was this bad. Some good has definitely come out of them. And the experience of trusting my T to manage the joint sessions has been important. It requires a leap of faith for me each time, and it really draws us closer that I am willing to let him do this for me. If you are worried about the potential for feeling abandoned by your T if you bring your husband to therapy, you could always try going to a different therapist with him. I wish I had gone to therapy with my husband years ago. I tried to get him to go for marriage counseling 10 years ago but he refused. So we limped along. Finally, when we are ready to separate, then we go for couples counseling. Go figure. I hope you will give therapy a try with your husband if you think it would help you. Don't just give up like I did!

I'm so glad you wrote, Sunny. I was really wondering what happened. Your description of the repair.... wow. I don't even know what else to say. You have quite an amazing therapist who isn't afraid to let you know that he too, is connected.

[lauren_helene]

Oh good. I am truly amazed by your session together. You got to share a hug!!!! What most of us wouldn't give for that at the right moment.

Your session Sunny is PROOF

[lauren_helene]

I didn't get to finish what I was saying. I hit enter too fast.

Your session is PROOF that a therapist can move closer temporarily, share some human emotion, declare closeness in the relationship, and give a hug at the exact right moment.

All this and look at the result! This has to be the most profound session ever right?

[confused4ever]

"Wow" all I can say is wow........what a session......I am glad your doing better!!! I read your poem and felt so sad for you. I am glad that you worked it out, and that you have learned that it is ok to be mad, you won't lose everyone!! I feel the same way about anger, I stuff it, I never let it out. I hope some day I can feel it and learn from it like you have!

Sunrise,
I am in awe of your post! I felt like I was actually there when I was reading it! It sounds like you have a wonderful, caring T! What is it like to get a hug from your T? Do you feel really safe? My T doesn't hug, so I was just wondering It is wonderful that your session went so well!

[ECHOES]

sunny, what a beautiful experience, painful as part of it was.

I love that he welcomed and accepted your anger; anger with no place to go hurts to much. I'm glad he helped you to not keep it in!

I love the long, warm hug he offered to you, to have there and to take with you.

Thank you for sharing your grounded, yet breathtaking session!

[sunrise]

Thank you, pinksoil and almedafan.

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pinksoil said:
You have quite an amazing therapist who isn't afraid to let you know that he too, is connected.

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There is a lesson for me there. I am one who tends to keep my emotions under lock and key. Since beginning therapy with my T 11 months ago, I have been learning the value of letting others see my emotions. Look what I got from this experience of T sharing his feelings with me. How could it not be valuable to do that with my friends, family, etc.? He is an emotional role model for me.

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almeda24fan said:
Your session is PROOF that a therapist can move closer temporarily, share some human emotion, declare closeness in the relationship, and give a hug at the exact right moment.

All this and look at the result! This has to be the most profound session ever right?

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Yes, he did all those things. He is human so he shares human emotion. And he isn't afraid to show he is human. Much of the time, the closeness in our relationship is experienced and hinted at rather than declared overtly. I really needed that clear, spoken declaration in this last session. The hug was the cherry on top. And yes, a very profound session! almedafan, I'm interested in your comment about "PROOF." Are you looking for proof? Are you trying to disprove someone who has told you otherwise?

[sunrise]

Thanks, confused4ever.

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confused4ever said:
you have learned that it is ok to be mad, you won't lose everyone

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Yes, I have started to learn that, but am still in pre-school! I feel like just that one time in therapy has made a huge difference for me, like a lightbulb went off. Sure, I had read stuff like that before, but it is not the same as experiencing it.

You know, even though I had read many times here on PC that people go to their sessions and get angry at their therapists, I had never done it, and never wanted to do it, not been able to see any value, and thought I would have to fake it if I did it because I just loved my T so much--why would I ever be angry at him? I confess, I thought the people who wrote about being mad at their therapists were so different from me, like from different planets. And I thought my T would not know what to do with anger from a client. It would be outside of our realm. Why would sunny, his client, get mad at him? How weird. If I'd been asked to predict how he would have reacted, I would have said "puzzlement," and like maybe "this is inappropriate." So it amazes me that all along he was on the same therapeutic page that the posters here (who've gotten angry at their Ts) have been on, that he thinks getting mad at your therapist has value, that he knows all this Winnicott stuff, that he knows how to react to and handle client anger, that he thinks the anger I express toward him will help me in my other relationships, etc. I know he is a therapist, but it surprised me he knew all this stuff! (Duh.) I wonder why therapy doesn't begin with the therapist telling the new client "the rules," so to speak. Like if my therapist had said at the outset, "you can get angry at me, it will be therapeutic", maybe I would have done it sooner, or known it was OK. It never occurred to me it was OK. I am so dense sometimes.

I think it really is amazing what happened with the box. You were a significant part of that, with respect to how you interpreted that, with respect to how you have a basic trust in him such that you were able to accept his attempt to repair. Personally... I can kind of imagine something similar helping me. But then, by the same token, I can kind of imagine something similar resulting in my feeling even worse. Could feel a little... Invaded. Like an invasion of space. Threatening. My therapist got up and got a box of tissues that were kind of next to me and offered them to me once when I was crying. I kind of shook my head 'cause I didn't want them and I was a little freaked out that he got up out of his chair and approached me. I read something... About how offering tissues can be the most helpful thing to do when a client is crying. I understand that he did good, but it wasn't really something that was helpful for me. I wasn't able to let it help. Whereas... You were.

I think it is really interesting that anger came up in the session with you and your husband (though you didn't realise what it was at the time). You got to process that in individual therapy so now you know that yes, it is okay for you to feel anger in front of your therapist. It might be the case that that generalises back to the joint session so that you are able to express some of your angry feelings to your husband in a setting where you know it is safe because your therapist can serve a holding / regulating function if needed.

Anger is hard... At least... It surely is for me.

[confused4ever]

Anger is a very hard emotion for anyone, but for people who have suffered in one way or another, anger is a very hard emotion to let go of. I have so much inside of me, I am so afraid to let it out for fear of losing everyone, and of hurting someone, or myself. (although I don't really care about hurting me) , I know for me growing up in a abusive house, your emotions didn't matter. You did what you were told and you were not allowed to say how or what you felt. I remember I used to go up to my room and throw things, what ever I could get my hands on, then after just so much of the SA and emotional abuse, I would go upstairs and just stare out the window, thinking all these bad thoughts. I just completely shut down.

I really am glad you had that session, it sounds like even though your still in the infancy of learning your anger, you know that it is ok to say it!!

I have been angry with my T, I have told him, but never have I showed any anger towards him ....ever!! I would tell him he hurt me with what he said or did in a hypnosis session.

He has asked so many times, if I am angry with him, I think he is looking for some release somehow. I bury it.

I am so happy for you, I hope you have more sessions with the connection your T and you share, it is truly a special relationship.

[sunrise]

Thanks, Soliaree, ECHOES, confused, alex_k for comments. I am still processing this session, I think, so your comments help.

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Soliaree said:
What is it like to get a hug from your T? Do you feel really safe? My T doesn't hug, so I was just wondering

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It felt wonderful, not so much safe, but "right." In session, we had connected, shared, been human together... It seemed like the hug was the physical expression of our experience, and felt very "right." Like if someone asked us to act out what we had just experienced, we would most economically, simply demonstrate a hug.

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alexandra_k said:
I think it really is amazing what happened with the box. You were a significant part of that, with respect to how you interpreted that, with respect to how you have a basic trust in him such that you were able to accept his attempt to repair.

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alex, I keep returning to the box. I think it was the turning point in the session. I was seeing it as this amazing "thing" that my T did to change the tide of the session, but based on what you wrote, I see that I had a role in that change too, in the way that I responded to his "box" overture/intervention. Thanks for helping me see that we were both involved in that.

[lauren_helene]

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sunrise said:
Thank you, pinksoil and almedafan.

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almeda24fan said:
Your session is PROOF that a therapist can move closer temporarily, share some human emotion, declare closeness in the relationship, and give a hug at the exact right moment.

All this and look at the result! This has to be the most profound session ever right?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Yes, he did all those things. He is human so he shares human emotion. And he isn't afraid to show he is human. Much of the time, the closeness in our relationship is experienced and hinted at rather than declared overtly. I really needed that clear, spoken declaration in this last session. The hug was the cherry on top. And yes, a very profound session! almedafan, I'm interested in your comment about "PROOF." Are you looking for proof? Are you trying to disprove someone who has told you otherwise?

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Oh, as for the word I used 'proof' what I meant was I have always thought and still do that therapists can disclose emotions, give a hug and/or move themselves very close to the person and do all of this at the right time, and can still maintain boundaries.

I guess I was thinking of my T at the time I wrote this.

[sunrise]

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almeda24fan said:
I have always thought and still do that therapists can disclose emotions, give a hug and/or move themselves very close to the person and do all of this at the right time, and can still maintain boundaries.

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Yes, absolutely! I think not all are able to do this, though, because of their personalities or because some theoretical approaches do not allow for this (e.g. the blank slate of the analyst) or because certain clients might not welcome this or be able to handle it (they must know and gauge the client well). I think there can be very effective therapists who don't do those things, and very effective who do. The client has to seek what works best for him, and sometimes even if the therapist they end up with doesn't use the client's preferred mode all the time, sometimes what they do is "good enough." I know you long for more sometimes from your therapist, almedafan. In some ways, though, he seems really good--how he handled some of your joint sessions with family members, wow. It can be hard to find the "whole package" that one wants in any one therapist.

[lauren_helene]

I agree Sunny. Actually, my T did schedule a second session with me this week!

I need it my dad is coming to visit this weekend. A girl can't catch a break. Although, he's been happy lately so maybe all will be well.

I need to think about something you posted....why do I need more from my T?