[Lemon]

I haven't posted for awhile because I have been going through a intense period of depression. Aside from my now ended couples sessions, I had been going to T everyother week for about 9 months. Once in a while, I'd go once a week if she suggested it. I enjoyed talking to her and learning though one of the things I enjoyed the most was pushing back on her suggestions for ways that I could feel better. It isn't that I don't think her suggestions would make me feel better, I'm almost sure that they would. Its just that for some reason all I end up doing is throwing out objections and see if she can convince me otherwise.

Lately after I leave T I'd feel worse than before. I wanted her to save me from my depression, anxiety, pain of divorce etc etc etc. Logically I know she can't do this. I know it isn't her role. She can only help me to the extent that I tell her what I'm thinking and feeling. But, I'm a very private person. I don't share things with anyone and while I loved going to T I haven't taken the leap to share a lot with her or let her know what I want from her. So I got stuck....she wasn't giving me what I wanted in sessions, we'd jump from topic to topic and usually not get to what was really bothering me or talk about our theraputic relationship. I know what I should do is tell her these things, but I am not capable of doing this right now. Maybe I just don't want to take that risk right now. At the end of last session when she once again scheduled me for 2 weeks later it was just to much. So a week ago I left her a message that I couldn't make my session that would have been tomorrow.

I didn't really mean to test her response, but I was curious what T would do. It hurts that she hasn't called me back. I didn't ask her too, but I sort-of thought she'd call and see if I wanted to reschedule. She hasn't. I miss our conversations, but I'm not ready to open up more to her and our sessions are frustrating without me doing something to move them forward.

[sunrise]

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I know what I should do is tell her these things, but I am not capable of doing this right now. Maybe I just don't want to take that risk right now.

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(((Lemon))) With my first counselor I remember having times that I did not want to work in therapy. I think especially when you are depressed, it is hard sometimes to get up the energy to work. I understand about not feeling "capable."

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I miss our conversations, but I'm not ready to open up more to her and our sessions are frustrating without me doing something to move them forward.

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When you miss them enough, you can go back. Sessions can be frustrating when they don't move forward. It's like, what's the point? And if you don't have the energy to try "fixing" things, then a break from therapy could actually be helpful. I had that with my counselor and ended up taking a 4 month break from her while I took a vacation from thinking about my problems. I just needed some down time from therapy and life. I then went back to her for about 3 sessions and realized I was probably never going to move forward with her. She had outlived her "usefulness" to me (as a therapist). I needed something different. My 4 month break helped give me som perspective so I could see that. So I just stopped going to see her, with no explanation. She never called me back either.

I think if you want to go back, then call and make an appointment. If not, perhaps you could ease your mind a bit by calling her and telling her you are taking a break from therapy right now but will contact her later when you are ready to return.

[Mouse_]

((Lemon)) Sounds like your caught between a rock and hard place.

[Lemon]

Mouse & Sunrise, thanks for responding. I do really feel stuck.

Sunrise, a lot of what you said sounded familiar to me. In some ways I just want a break from thinking about things and just survive for awhile. But, I feel like I'd regret it someday and I didn't want my T to turn out to be another person I lost contact with. I wanted her to be my partner through all of this.

She did leave me a message today. Now the 'ball is back in my court' for returning that call. I don't know what to do. She said she wanted to see if I wanted to reschedule or if I wanted to take a break from therapy. Too bad she didn't say she couldn't survive without me as a client, then I would have gone back right away!

I don't know yet what I want to do, so I guess I'll wait awhile to call her back...also I have anxiety when talking on the phone so I'm not looking foward to returning the call.

[ECHOES]

((Lemon))

I know you want her to save you and to rescue you from where you are right now..I really do understand those feelings and the frustration that comes with them. It's also frustrating when other's don't guess what we want from them.

She wants to help; she's been there for you and it sounds like she wants to continue to be there for you. She needs something from you though; she needs you to call and reschedule. Then, when you go back, talk to her about all of this; what you wanted, what you expected, how you felt. It would be a great starting point!

I hope you feel better soon.

hugs