Couch 141: The Inversional Hexachordal Combinatorial Couch

I'm sorry, but this is all really putrid sounding.

I think they do a lot of that, for good reason, even though it can be infuriating. Revelations about myself don't mean anything unless they come from me. It just pisses me off to have someone having them long before me and just waiting it out, even though it wouldn't have helped and could have caused harm/hurt if they said it first.

Until recently, every place I lived was as bare as a bus stop, so I can relate to that part.

My house has now started to look like a person lives here. It feels nice enough that I don't feel the ground shifting under my feet, a constant my entire life.

I still have a few blank walls if you want to do them too. I think the idea sounds awesome.

I used to have more blank walls but when summer vacation arrived I spotted some neat pieces of artwork (kind of panels with geometric designs) made from wood from old barns in a coffee shop and now my living room has a very barn-y feel. I like it.

Daisy -- yeah, that normalizing stuff is super frickin' annoying. Especially when it's so very transparent.

Art -- I don't know what to tell you. I call out current T constantly when I think that she's voicing opinions that I believe aren't authentic (which these days mostly goes for most or all of what she says). I don't have a good handle on how your T responds to criticism -- it seems it hasn't ever come to a knockdown-dragout fight with you guys (and given your temperaments, perhaps it never will?)? That's usually my style of "resolving" things with current T (as much as she tries to sidestep it). If you have the option of giving her something in writing and / or emailing her, maybe that'll help get it all out?

ATAT -- ugh, ugh, ugh. Yeah, the gurgling not-very-cute baby is exactly how it feels. Umm....I have no idea what it's like to live with someone (I've never lived under the same roof with any of my partners). So......maybe if I had, I'd see this as more "normal"?

rr -- YES!!! (Sorry about the punctuation abuse). If this crap was all she had to offer, I'd have walked out less than mid-way through the very first session itself. But, she's oddly (or maybe not so oddly) been rather frighteningly brilliant in having insights on the crap in my life -- like even without having a single clue about the cultural context (and in fact, not having much understanding in terms of how my race, immigration status, sexuality etc have affected my life), she was bang on -- like crazily so -- about my family dynamics. Down to predicting very very specific behaviors / stuff / intentions. I of course dismissed her big time when she voiced it but she didn't let up -- until of course there came a point when I saw what was happening in real relief and I was like, holy crap, she saw it way back when. She was / is also super insistent on my facing something (vis-a-vis stuff that happened with one of the parental units) that I've glossed over with everyone (including former T who never caught on) -- she was insistent to the point that it would send me into a frenzy after every session when she'd bring it up and I finally told her that she was going after it like a bull in a china shop (considering that it's the first time I'd ever had someone even 'see' it). So, while her method sucked, I do give her kudos for continuing to push me to face up to stuff that pretty much everyone else in my life was content to ignore all along (including all other therapists I'd interviewed except one other psychoanalytically-trained one that was rather astute).

So, yeah she does get a bit carried away with the whole therapist-y attitude -- she goes on about the 'urge to merge' (and flee....thankfully) that she believes I deal with etc -- but if I can drag her back from it, she's been pretty solid in getting me to deal with crap.

P.S. This is way longer than I anticipated -- I've imbibed a trifle too much (and there's more waiting), methinks.

rr and @@

Until now I've only been comfortable offering my services as the couch cleaning lady but once I get a practice round underway maybe I will go on a painting tour too.

Idk why the Matisse is grabbing me so much. Usually I'm not into that palette at all, I like muted and earthy things. M is a painter and his stuff is all around the office and it's all magenta and orange and teal and purple and it drives me NUTS. In fact his things are very beautiful and he is a lovely artist, but too in-your-face for me.

Well you do have a point there. I probably would have gotten upset at her if she'd just told me. I suppose I already know that -that she has waited me out on a lot of things - this was just one of those super big, if I'd realized it sooner things would be different by now, kind of things. You wouldn't believe how the energy in the room changed after I said it out loud - it went very, very still like even the air didn't want to move. I felt very deep within myself. Maybe that's why I thought t was going invisible - because I was so deep within myself working right from my very core to accept what I'd realized so I could begin changing it.

damn i do some good work here on the couch.

we only really yelled at each other that one time a long time ago on a phone session when i hung up on her (and was subsequently miserable for 3 days before calling her to apologize). i could, but i'm not going to email this stuff - ima face it in person and talk about it in 2 weeks.

Am I bothering people

No. (8 characters)

Sorry....

Nope

Don't be sorry! I constantly worry about being a bother, and I know how nice the reassurance can be that you aren't. Don't apologize for checking in with people.

Heck no!!

Um, thanks
I'm in my bed and I'm trying to have nice thoughts

Jdna a friendly neighborhood turkey for you

Art, therapists should not yell at clients.

I am in the Walmart alcohol aisle, trying to choose something to ingest. Seriously leaning towards the "moonshine."

I know. She apologized too! It's never happened again.

Evening couch. I am relaxing in my room after a long day. I had C this morning, then an interview, then I stopped to get lunch at a Chinese buffet before my biometrics screening. Then I still had time to kill before CVS, so I sat in the car listening to music until it got too hot. I then went into CVS and walked around the store for a bit. Then I changed into my scrubs and went to work. Stopped by McDonald's in the way home using drive-thru. Came home, took evening meds, ate, caught up on the couch and am now trying to get sleepy for bed. CVS tomorrow.

Nope. That's what I do. You're a much nicer and better and far less bothersome person than me.

I have told my T whenever she has ever acted "therapist-y," but luckily she has never done any of these transgressions.
I do not know what this realization was, but for me, I know my T probably sees some stuff about me before I am ready to actually talk about it. If/when this happens, I do not think this is something I would think my T would be thinking "Oh, I've just been waiting for you...it isn't MY fault!" What I probably would think is, "Thank you. I just wasnt able to deal with this until I/you (?) brought it up. I don't know the details obviously, but I like your T through all of your writings. I doubt it is anything sinister.
I probably should be informed and look up this painting, but I am entirely too lazy for that When I was in HS, and in college, I SWORE I had no artistic bone in my body. My younger brother was the artistic one. Not me. It was only after years, (and years) later, when I realized that one does not have to have "realistic" drawing abilities to be an artist. It is still something I struggle with, at 36, but any sort of creative vibe you have--please pursue it. Focus on things that you are drawn to. I have realized over the years, that all the things I am drawn to have sort of closed into some art form I think I can do.

It isn't stupid. I promise.
Yes. X100%
Hmm..all those colors are my favorite
I agree, Art!
Hmmm....I've quoted this, and I don't know why!
Junk, you are not! I am worried about your state of mind I hope you are okay.
Lol. Did I miss something where an art T yelled at a client?

I quite enjoy you

(sorry if you hate emoji's like SD.)

wow velcro that was quite the multi-quote!!

I'm actually feeling quite positive right now about the changes I'm sensing in my therapy (well, except for the change in day, but I'm pretty much over that by now. I was only mad about it because I wanted to go next week, and I could have on Wednesday, but h and I are going out of town on Thursday afternoon so I won't be able to go Thursday. Did I tell her that? Of course not. I acted like it was fine. I swear I am certifiable. It is fine for going forward, but I wanted to go next week dang it.)

Oh well. I have fuzzy-head from the yummy wine I'm drinking right now. Sutter Home White Zinfandel. Yum!