It's TOO hard for me!

Interesting--when I saw T yesterday, I was talking about what resolving transference would mean. I gave a few possibilities, and the one that she seemed to agree with was very similar to this--that MC would become less of a transference object, less someone to whom I'm very attached, but more just, as I put it, "A nice, caring guy who is helping me" (or something like that). Like, I could see him as a T, not so much as a paternal figure.

My problem is that I see my T both ways. I like her as a T who is nice, friendly and caring, though that puts her in the "I wish we could really be friends mode), and I also see her as a transference object! I'm in between. Yesterday, when she held my hand I didn't feel anything special like I used to. That could be because she was telling me how she loves me and that's why she's doing this for me. I actually forgot what she's doing! I mean I know she wants me to be there for my parts, and realize that she can't be there for me all the time, but at the time I felt it as much harsher than it actually was. She wants to help me to heal, and that came across as totally sincere. It's those needy child parts that still get in the way.

What you have hit upon, Elio, is something I've discussed with some of my Ts. Though I was an adult when my Mom died, (about 30), I still depended on her a lot up until she got sick. She was always there to help with her granddaughter, and to be there when my husband traveled for work. She was much more in my life than I am in my daughters' lives. I liked that and at the same was annoyed with her. So, in one sense, my relationship with her didn't change until she died. I was still dependent on her. I was never independent until my husband passed away.

So perhaps that's more the key to my issues than early parenting, though it was probably both. I didn't feel safe with an anxious mother, and anxiety is my worst problem today other than the attachment. So I am looking for what I lost when my Mom died. That makes sense but my Ts have all latched onto my other diagnoses like BPD and Selective Mutusism, and come up with the theory that it was something I missed as a baby or child. It doesn't matter anymore, but I see your point about not internalizing what I had.

Yesterday I told T that maybe I wasted 7 years with her but she immediately noted how much I've changed. It's true. I have learned to take care of myself, and have pursued interests I never have before. Mostly since my H passed but it was gradually happening before that too. I have more friends than I ever had in my life. If I could comfort those child parts I'd be fine!

It almost sounds like what you are struggling with is less early attachment and more a failure of detachment. The fundamental aloneness of adulthood is terrifying. Some people deal with that terror by being enmeshed in other relationships, whether parent/child or romantic or what have you . You are never alone because you are melded wuth that other person....but you are never developing that independent authentic self either....now you have no one to enmesh with except your T. I could be way off base but the fact that you depended so much kn your mom and now want to depend so much on your T makes me think that. Being overly enmeshed or involved with others is a very effective way of numbing our own pain and fear

Thanks, Bay. No, I don't think you're off base at all. I think it's both. My Ts have always acknowledged that I didn't become independent and that separation from my Mom didn't happen right. I did go away to college and get married so I wasn't totally enmeshed. I loved college!

This week T even mentioned that it could be that I got too much from my mother. I had trouble separating from her when I started kindergarten.

I didn't start therapy until my mother died but I didn't talk about her death for about 4 months. My first T was shocked when I casually brought up the fact!

I think these last 2 years without my H have been the first time I've been independent. Yes, there was pain and fear but I think I've done well.

I'm proud of myself! I didn't email T and I got through Thursday and today. Usually I'm better from Saturday until my session. I cried a little but I thought about T saying she wants to help me because she loves me. I am going to try to let her do her job. This is slow progress but progress nevertheless! Thanks for all the hugs.