[Elio]

Questions for those that have or are working with child parts - IFS. I know there is no 1 or right way, I am looking to pool how each of experience and work with these parts and for those that feel they have integrated (whatever that means to you) what is different now.

Did/do you have only one child part or multiple child parts?

What does it mean to you that the child part is in control?

How much of your daily life did/does the child part control?

How did you used to respond to the child part before working on it?

How long did you work primarily through IFS or child part?

What/how do you respond/address the child part now?

Any other questions you'd like to post to the group or other information you think would be of interest when talking about working with child parts?

[Elio]

Did/do you have only one child part or multiple child parts?
I have identified 3 distinct child parts. Little boy (age 4-5), Older boy (10-11), Younger girl (12-13)

What does it mean to you that the child part is in control?
Mostly it is the internal or instinctual responses to things. Rarely/occasionally, the little boy (pouting) and younger girl (anger rants and erratic declarations of doneness) have emotional responses to the extent that there is an outward behavioral response. The older boy plays more of background role and is actually more running the show in being distant from people and focused on following rules, structuring life, routines, and order.

How much of your daily life did/does the child part control?
A lot of the time it is hard to tell where the I/adult and the older boy are different; however, there is a subtle and major difference. The older boy kicks in from an emotional response - there is an emotional component to my actions when he is in control. The adult is just doing because it is what life is.

How did you used to respond to the child part before working on it?
Shame, criticism, lock away, try to control them, discount them, not listen to them.

How long did you work primarily through IFS or child part?
Just really starting, I'd say 6-9 months in.

What/how do you respond/address the child part now?
I started by acknowledging and treating them as independent and self contained parts. I had been trying to listen to them, trying to understand what happened to bring them forward and what gifts they provide for me. I (the adult) had started letting each of them be heard and try to address each of their concerns with situations presented to us. I was trying to act more as a mediator between the parts and what is best for the unit as a whole rather than just what the adult expects. This meant that I was allowing the parts have time to just be and exist when not emotionally triggered.

Right now, I'm in a set back state and trying to box them up and lock them away again. I'm feeling like they are not welcomed or wanted anymore. It's harder to push them back and lock them up than before, and I miss them.

[zoiecat]

I am totally new to all of this. I have 3 possibly 4 child parts that I know of. I seem to keep finding more all the time so who knows. Only the 2 girls tend to surface. Little Girl is 6 and has only come out once that I know of. Mini Me is probably about 10 or 11. She is out a LOT. She wants to do all the kid things that she was never able to do safely as a kid. She is out for at least 3-4 hours almost every night once I get home from work. My house is a wreck because she wants nothing to do with housework. It is such a struggle. If someone can give me some advise on how to handle her I would really appreciate it.

[Waterbear]

Hi Elio, good post.

I have a couple of parts that I sense. One child, very young, maybe 2 or even younger. Just needs cuddles and snuggles and lots of sleep and rest. One little girl, little one, maybe 8 or so. Doesn't come out very often. Is scared and very wary of everything, including me. Does like to have fun and play though. Likes girly things (that I have no recognition of ever liking myself). Older me. Doesn't feel right to say girl. 14 or 15. Confused, angry, lost, alone.

I feel like 8 is in charge of my therapy process, controlling it from a distance. She is charge and it is the only way. She never had a say back then but this is her chance now. It feels good that she is in control and I am going with it. So is my T.

I might forget some of your questions here!

I had a real struggle acknowledging the little girl inside me when I started this process. Old T said once something about her once, just something like "what does the little girl need" or something innocuous like that and I dissociated so bad I disappeared into the far reaches of my mind. All I could see was blackness. I couldn't hear anything at all and I ceased to exist for those minutes.

Come an awful long way then to now, when I can acknowledge the parts, talk to them, ask what they need and try to provide it or obtain it for them.

How much they control is a tough question, maybe because I don't always listen to them still. When I am at work they are not around. When I am with H they tend to hide, so mainly it is just the me time, and they come and go, sometimes present more often for long periods than other times. But they definitely control my process with my T in therapy.

How long to work though? Over 18 months in therapy and
I would say just starting too, though I guess we have been really working with the little ones for about 6 months, since they started trusting new T. I think I have years of work to do on this, though T seems unsure about this. She has often said that it might be quicker than I think, or similar things, but I have asked her to accept that it is OK for it to take years. I got screwed up over many years, so cannot expect effective therapy in a short time. Old T warned me of that before I started.

Hope that answers some of your questions.

[BayBrony]

Bear in mind that my inner children are sometimes wolves with a few exceptions....

So there is the pup, which is an infant puppy. The puppy just needs warmth, food, eye contact etc. In one of the more amazingly transformative meditations ihave done, though it sounds very weird ( and totally my idea,my T wasn't involved at all, this was my own meditation time), I have taken the form of an adult wolf and nursed the puppy. It's incredibly healing. The puppy doesn't have much to do with my therapy. This is just my own meditation etc

"Luna" she is around 7, and when she is relaxed she us human, when she is scared she is a small wolf pup. She also features in my meditation as she remembers a lot more about my past then I do, and will "show" me various things that happened re abuse. She needs two things mostly. To be believed and loved. I occasionally let her experience the wonderful parts of my life now so she knows we are safe, but mostly she comes out in my meditation and sometimes in therapy when we are working on abuse stuff. She used to adore my T. I guess she still does but now she prefers me if she needs something bc I am always there and understand her better.

Then there is a 12 yr old. That is that year of my life vefore I made certain decisions that permanently changed my world, the year I was sexually assaulted and a number of bad things happened. She does the opposite of Luna in that she is more likely to be a wolf when we feels strong . She loves my T, but hates me, as she blames me for a lot of what went wrong in my life. I used to hate her back, and blame her back . Now im just trying to love her til she trusts me enough to tell me stuff . She rarely talks in therapy but soaks in any attention.

Then there is the one my T has named Anais, after a character in a book. She is me at 13. At that age, I made some very difficult decisions. Those decisions saved me from. My mom's abuse, and probably are what allowed me to have the life i now have. They also, since they used 13 yr old logic, scarred me in ways that I am stil trying to cope with 30 years later. She comes out in therapy a lot because she utterly rejects my T's basic preises--i am lovable and valuable exactly as i am, etc. She is the hardest work because she doesn't want my love or my T's love . She wants us both to accept that she is right. Which i can't do and heal. Also until I started tberapy I agreed with her ,so she sees my therapist as an interloper that wrecked our ( self destructive) harmony. I am working in meditation to harness her intelligence and drive and help her see the world in a different way.

I'd say I never feel controlled by any of them. But in reality, the 13 yr old probably controlled about half my actions for much of my life, less so now.

My T does not do IFS. These alters or whatever you want to call them emerged in meditation and my T did welcome the ideas into therapy.

I've been working at it for 3 years. I finally am at the point where except for Anais all my "alters" prefer my love and attention to my T's and accept my comfort and guidance.

[here today]

Originally Posted by Elio

. . .
Right now, I'm in a set back state and trying to box them up and lock them away again. I'm feeling like they are not welcomed or wanted anymore. It's harder to push them back and lock them up than before, and I miss them.

My last T didn't use IFS but was trained and experienced in dealing with dissociated parts. I did not feel that she really accepted them, however, at least not their (unsocialized) motivations, if that makes any sense.

Hence I felt like they were not welcomed or wanted there (just like in the rest of the world), in anything other than an intellectual or clinical sense.

Pushing back and locking them up wasn't really an option anymore -- probably because I didn't want to. And I was grown and if that's what was needed in order for me to survive still, then I wasn't sure I wanted that.

What worked for me was to find intellectual justification for the existence of those parts and their motivations. And then there was a conflict with my last T in which I (adult) eventually, at home, "stood up" for one of the parts who had acted out and whom the T had shamed and put down. That eventually led to me leaving that T but -- fortunately I had some other social support by that time. And eventually I may be getting some internal support as well.

[rainbow8]

[QUOTE=Elio;5685871]Did/do you have only one child part or multiple child parts?
I have identified 3 distinct child parts. Little boy (age 4-5), Older boy (10-11), Younger girl (12-13)

What does it mean to you that the child part is in control?
Mostly it is the internal or instinctual responses to things. Rarely/occasionally, the little boy (pouting) and younger girl (anger rants and erratic declarations of doneness) have emotional responses to the extent that there is an outward behavioral response. The older boy plays more of background role and is actually more running the show in being distant from people and focused on following rules, structuring life, routines, and order.

How much of your daily life did/does the child part control?
A lot of the time it is hard to tell where the I/adult and the older boy are different; however, there is a subtle and major difference. The older boy kicks in from an emotional response - there is an emotional component to my actions when he is in control. The adult is just doing because it is what life is.

How did you used to respond to the child part before working on it?
Shame, criticism, lock away, try to control them, discount them, not listen to them.

How long did you work primarily through IFS or child part?
Just really starting, I'd say 6-9 months in.

What/how do you respond/address the child part now?
I started by acknowledging and treating them as independent and self contained parts. I had been trying to listen to them, trying to understand what happened to bring them forward and what gifts they provide for me. I (the adult) had started letting each of them be heard and try to address each of their concerns with situations presented to us. I was trying to act more as a mediator between the parts and what is best for the unit as a whole rather than just what the adult expects. This meant that I was allowing the parts have time to just be and exist when not emotionally triggered.

Right now, I'm in a set back state and trying to box them up and lock them away again. I'm feeling like they are not welcomed or wanted anymore. It's harder to push them back and lock them up than before, and I miss them.[/QUOTE

1. I picture a baby, who cries for its mother, and a 3 or 4 year old who wants to climb into T's lap and stay there. She wants to hold T's hand. There used to be the teenage part who had a crush and was in love with T. That part is mostly hidden now, but when T looks a certain way, that part pops out and I can't stop her.

2. To me, the child parts being in control means that I cry about T and the fact that she can't be the "answer", that she shattered my dreams. If they weren't in control, I'd be able to totally accept that T is my T and nothing else.

3. Those child parts usually are around during and after my session, and for the next day or two. When I decided to stop looking up information about T and her family, they were around almost all of the time in my daily life. I can function as an adult pretty well most of the time.

4. Mostly I responded to the child part with shame and disgust. I didn't want anything to do with knowing that I had parts of me who were attracted to my Ts and wanted to be comforted by them. I used to say I didn't want to talk about "that baby stuff."

5. I started with my current T in 2010 and for the first year or so we primarily did IFS.

6. First I learned how to separate myself from the part. T used to tell me my parts were blended. She had me move to one part of the couch and leave the part on the other side. Then we did a lot of "does that part know you're there?" and "What does she want from you?" I had trouble with those questions and still do, especially "does that part know you're there?" It's still hard to visualize part of me. T says they are just parts of my personality. Sometimes I can comfort a part now, but my most progress is in accepting the parts. T always said to accept all of my parts and not be ashamed of them. I used to blush when I talked about the part who loved her or the part who wanted to be a kangeroo and live in her pouch. She taught me those wishes are acceptable, and that I should try to accept all of my parts. I learned that the part is just a part, not all of me. My goal is still for my Self to be the director of the choir, not to let my parts run the show.

Elio, this thread has been very helpful for me to track my progress. Thank you very much.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Elio

Questions for those that have or are working with child parts - IFS. I know there is no 1 or right way, I am looking to pool how each of experience and work with these parts and for those that feel they have integrated (whatever that means to you) what is different now.

Did/do you have only one child part or multiple child parts?

What does it mean to you that the child part is in control?

How much of your daily life did/does the child part control?

How did you used to respond to the child part before working on it?

How long did you work primarily through IFS or child part?

What/how do you respond/address the child part now?

Any other questions you'd like to post to the group or other information you think would be of interest when talking about working with child parts?

Just wanted to bump up this thread. Maybe some more people do IFS who haven't responded yet.

[MessyD]

I am sort of new to this and still don't really understand how it is supposed to work and what exactly is the goal but I am going with it as it seems to be helpful in some ways...

So far, I have worked with 3 parts, only one of them is child part, 7-8 year old. The main part I work with is my judgmental and shaming part. I didn't pay much attention to my child part until recently

I think my child part is in control when I have a strange emotional reaction to something that seems insignificant to my adult self. I'm not sure if it actually controls anything on daily basis. But I'm starting to sense that I have another child part that is older, 14-16 years and I fear that one has controlled my life for the most part. Maybe I should mention that to my T and work with that part as well

I believe I ignored my child part until I started working with it with my T. My judgmental part wouldn't let her talk and shame her for feeling anything so naturally my child part stays in hiding. Although that has improved significantly and my parts are starting to like each other and I'm trying to take care of my child part now although she still hasn't told me everything she needs

My T has been using Ifs with me probably for about 9 months but it's not the only way we work together, it's just a part of therapy. It can get really confusing and frustrating for me and sometimes I feel silly but other times I'm surprised how it works. I'm hoping my judgmental part will let my child part open up and I can actually start feel my feelings in session