[Christina86]

I SUPPOSE I should be happy, I saw him today (well, yesterday now) after not seeing him for around 2 weeks.

Yeah, he blew it.

I wonder why I keep going back sometimes.

He made me do a much more difficult contract.

We talked about my self-injuring thoughts recently (pretty bad) and how my past abuse incident needs to be looked at and "resolved".

... maybe it was productive, but I spent the entire session disliking him. He didn't seem to get it. Or maybe I was emotionally withdrawn. I know I have been. But I TOLD him I disliked him and his only comment was "that he could take it" and he sorta laughed and I could have smacked him.

... grrr.

Okay, I have issues. Vascillating between hating him and liking him is bad? Or is it good?

I have another appointment on Monday.

Until then I need to uphold his contract (re: eating, having SI tools, drinking, SIng and calling two abuse centre resources to make appointments). And he made this contract without even consulting me.

Argh.

Now what am I gonna do next session. He even said that he wants to discuss where we're going in therapy and what needs to be worked on.

I HATE feeling like some sort of stupid project.

... grrrrrrr.

We'll see how long this feeling lasts.

Until then, I will sit and complain about him not being able to read my mind and do exactly what I want him to...

Yeah, I know I'm ridiculous.

[lauren_helene]

Isn't the saying that the opposite of love is hate? I find that I've have had both emotions for T and I think I can speak for Pink too...she'll correct me if not

I commented on the contract before but I probably shouldn't have. I am not involved in your care and lord knows I'm not qualified to to be...I wonder if Doc John could help you with this one?

i've heard that while in one sense the opposite of love is hate...
in another sense the opposite of love is indifference.

swings between idealisation (love) and devaluation (hate). apparently it isn't so uncommon. strong feelings... strong feelings either way. the people who can make us feel the happiest can also make us feel the most angry / sad / hurt etc.

i'm not sure what is up... i'm not sure why he blew it.

sounds like you are feeling like he is going to drag you (kicking and screaming) into mental health.

hmm.

did it worry you that he wasn't taking your anger seriously?
did it feel good that he wasn't afraid of it / you?

[Christina86]

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almeda24fan said:
I commented on the contract before but I probably shouldn't have.

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Like I think I said before, I don't necessarily *mind* a contract, but I dislike the fact that it covered so much and I had NO input into it whatsoever. I wonder what he would have done if I hadn't signed it...

[Christina86]

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alexandra_k said:
sounds like you are feeling like he is going to drag you (kicking and screaming) into mental health.

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... some days, he might just have to. Am I really making it difficult for him I wonder. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't... Is it odd that all I seem to do with people who get close to me is try to %#@&#! them off and push them away?

Sigh.

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did it worry you that he wasn't taking your anger seriously?

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He wasn't. And I have a hard enough time getting mad in the first place. It's like the work he's done (he focuses on emotions and interpersonal stuff) went out the window. Like my feelings weren't important. And I was upset, but I wasn't about to tell him that.

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did it feel good that he wasn't afraid of it / you?

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I don't think it was as much as he wasn't afraid of "it" as he completely ignored my reason for feeling that way in the first place.

Sigh.

.All I keep thinking is that therapy sometimes doesn't seem like the right place for me, and yet without it... who even knows how much worse it would get.

what was the reason for your anger?

> Is it odd that all I seem to do with people who get close to me is try to %#@&#! them off and push them away?

it isn't that uncommon, no. especially for people who have been hurt before (either because others have been invasive or hurtful or neglectful or whatever). longing for emotional intimacy... and terror of it...

attachment response (approach)
and withdrawal response (avoid)
and fight response when escape seems impossible

one idea is that the attachment and withdrawal systems are seperate and in some people both can be activated so people feel his horrible pushing pulling feeling and they aren't quite sure what to do.

disorganised / ambivalent attachment.

i do think that it is important that he can listen to your concerns on the one hand...

but i also think that it is important that he give you a contract to try and make sure you don't kill yourself / hurt yourself even worse before getting better...

i mean... if he didn't care about you hurting yourself... then how much would he really care about your welfare?

[sunrise]

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canders7 said:
Like I think I said before, I don't necessarily *mind* a contract, but I dislike the fact that it covered so much and I had NO input into it whatsoever.

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It does seem that you would have better buy in to the contract if you helped create it. There is always the choice to reject the contract and ask to create a new one that you have input into. It might help your T gain greater insights into you if you were involved in the process.

It sounds like you have many misunderstandings with your T in therapy, canders. Maybe some of those could be cleared up if you met with him regularly and got to know each other better (I know it has been hard for you to schedule). Maybe he is rushing all this contract stuff (focusing on this "thing") and needs to devote more time to you and building the therapeutic relationship. On the other hand, he probably just wants to keep you safe, and maybe in his experience, a contract is helpful. For me, I would not do a written contract, but if my T asked me to swear I would not hurt myself and looked me in the eyes and I agreed, I definitely would not break my promise, because my word is good and I would not lie to my T. If I couldn't give him this assurance, I wouldn't agree. But the written thing would be offputting to me, like he didn't trust me to keep my verbal promises. It would definitely throw a little rupture into our therapy.

I think an important thing is to establish a regular schedule of seeing this T so you can work out some of the communication difficulties. Hang in there.

[pachyderm]

I alternately appreciate and hate (fear) my T.

Often love and hate are part of the same thing. Hate is when he/she seems too scary to be loved. Transference. Elevating the beloved/hated to something she/he is not really.

Like both sides in the confrontation between Ahmadinijad and president Lee Bollinger of Columbia University yesterday. BOTH sides. Neither realizes what is going on, between them, or between the respective countries' leaders.

FWIW

[lauren_helene]

Can you tell him that the contract would have a better survival rate if you and he worked on it together?

Alex, sadly I do value and devalue quite a bit...

[Perna]

It is uncomfortable to feel such feelings and have the other person act like they're nothing much! But, too, they are "just" feelings. I think about toddlers and their temper tantrums and how one would think they'd scar the kid for life :-) but it all comes out okay. I remember feeling when I was little that I'd "never" get over something, etc. but feelings are kind of like weather. Keep your eye on the prize; you want to get better so you sign the contract and work on the communication, etc. Bit by bit. Maybe tell him next session how "slighted" you felt not being consulted about the contract and how he's getting a bit ahead of your feelings and if he's not careful you'll cut off your nose to spite his face :-)