The Couch 145 : I Stubbed My Toe On the Sofa.... COUCH!

Ugh, I'm so sorry, Healed. I wonder if he has a guy friend who put something like that in his head?

Oh hell, couchies. I don't really know what just happened. Big ol' vent coming, so feel free to ignore if you're not in the mood.

So T and I just had a major fight. As I was getting up to leave she said I had to stew in my own juices now. And I said well the adult part of me knows that and says thank you. But the rest of me says "that sucked." She said "Yeah, it did." I was angry today almost from the get-go because she said that I didn't seem totally present. I was like what?! Yes I am. And it went down hill from there. Her and her "you're in a complex" stuff. Honestly I wasn't until she SAID that and pissed me off. I should have known she wasn't going to let me go without a fight. I should have known. I am SO STUPID!!!!! She said it seemed this whole ending thing on my part was reaction. I was like, reaction to what?! Growing up? what's wrong with that? And I thought it was mutual. I said no - if it were reaction to something, i would have gotten up, said that's it i'm done goodbye and walked out the door. Just like other endings in my life. Not sat here talking about making it a process. Holy shite. She said I want you to know if you had done that, I would have let you back in. I'm sitting here shaking I'm still so pissed. And feeling bad about fighting with her too. But mostly pissed. I am about to start thinking that 'good endings' are a myth. At one point I was drinking water and I said "I need this to be tequila right now". It was that bad. She did say something about how rough it was "but we made it through". I'm not sure "we" did. I think "we" are broken at the moment. Everything she said, I heard something else than she claimed she meant, total and absolute disconnect today. I did NOT want a hug on the way out. We already had another session scheduled after today but at the moment, I'm not sure I even want to go back at all. The hell with trying to have a civilized ending. I am going to drink a big glass of wine as I "stew in my juices". She best be stewing in her own right now, that's all I have to say. Damn.

Vent over. Sorry couchies if anyone got this far.

Maybe we needed to fight with each other in order to separate from each other. I don't know.

Don't be sorry, Art. It makes me sad to hear that your T sounds like the termination isn't mutual like you thought. I can understand why that would make you upset. (Oh my God, I've heard RoboT say that a million times, what have I become?)

If it were me, I would try to let cooler heads prevail and go back. You said in your post that you normally just walk away. Why not choose this opportunity to break that habit?

Ugh, I'm sorry Art. Maybe you're both struggling with the ending, and that's why you're fighting, kind of like you said? Maybe you're both too attached? The "stew in your own juices" sounds pretty personal, like something a mother would say to their kid.

Thank you daisy. I'm trying so hard not to start bawling right now. But maybe perhaps I need to just let myself. You're right of course, I should choose this opportunity to break that habit. I honestly don't know what happened today. Even the day I hung up on her during a phone session years ago, was not as bad as today. Total and complete disconnect. It was raw and emotionally charged and just awful.

He's a Welsh corgi.

He's cardigan welsh corgi he has a tail

Not my best work, but it's 10PM and I'm tired and have to be up for school in the morning.

Art - okay, first of all, that's a dreadful thing to say. You do not need to approach it as "adult" - first of all, I think you're defining adult as being nice and sucking things up, and it's not. (Your therapist seems to think your being adult means accepting her view of the world so she can do/say anything she wants.)

And, your therapist makes me SO mad. She has a pattern of seriously destabilizing you, and it seems to me every time you start talking about breaks or terminating, she picks a fight eventually by saying something like you're possessed or you have to stew in your own juices now. You get (rightly) angry, consider walking, then you start remembering the good times, then you feel bad and blame yourself, then you go back, and everything gets smoothed over without addressing the real problem, and you're back to "normal." Then you start thinking about leaving again, and...wash, rinse, repeat. It's crazy-making. And I would bet you're doing all the stewing, not her. (I don't even know that she's aware she does this.)

Honestly, I have kind of been expecting her to do something like this the closer you get to termination - in hopes that you will rethink and stay on, while feeling grateful to her for forgiving you and taking you "back."

I'd leave now if you can manage it. And sorry to butt in. But the way that woman seems to jerk you around when you're so sweet and forgiving to her is terrible to me.

Oh thank you SO much for that I needed to laugh right now!!! That is PERFECT!!

eta: and I think my t is going to be like that when I get there next time. If I go. Hiding from me and my impossibly stubborn anger. I even told her I hate her today. And I cursed at her too. The F word even!!! She did this exasperated sigh and I said "don't f'ing sigh at me" except i said the entire word.

You're not butting in - I wanted some voices of reason that's why I posted! Thank you!! it is tempting to not go back. very tempting. i just talked it over with my h, who is always the one saying i need to end, and he actually took HER side momentarily if you can believe that!! omg!! I am seriously going to finish this bottle of wine tonight.

I am seriously more angry at her right now than I have ever been before. I knew it too that she was going to pull something like this - I f'ing KNEW it, I even had a DREAM where she did, for f's sake, and that dream was the one we disagreed about 2 weeks ago when I got all frustrated at her.

I don't know. I need to drink my wine and just calm down. I don't have to do anything for 2 weeks. Or was it 3? I don't even remember now. My h said it's her job to 'stir things up' and then analyze my reactions to see where I'm at. I seriously do not know what to think! But y'know what, I see it as progress that I am discussing this with h - usually when I try he'll make one little noise and I'll be like "just forget it you don't understand" but we actually talked about it for like 15 minutes already and will probably talk more about it after I calm down some more. Sometimes he really surprises me with his supportiveness even when he is kinda taking her side a little bit, he still clearly was supporting me and that's what I've wanted out of my marriage for a long time.

I don't think it is a therapist's job to stir things up. Clients are not lab rats last I looked.

And even if it is their job, the time to do it is earlier in the process. Not four months from the end.

Maybe it's because I'm beyond tired, and maybe it's because I'm one of those people who cries at the Cheerios commercials, but reading you discuss this is making me so dang happy for you. I mean, yes, you're obviously distressed right now, but you're talking about how you're changing as reflected through your relationships. That's part of the point of this whole therapy thing, yeah?

Take your time to honor the anger that you feel, and then I'd reflect on this in a day or two. But regardless of anything else, I hope you can look at the situation as a whole and recognize that you're approaching it differently now. You should be so proud

and omg atat, she even USED that word again! "possessed"!! Argh!! I was not possessed. I was thinking quite clearly and FOR MYSELF, thank you very much. Apparently she doesn't like that so much.

I am, aren't I? And I should be!! Thank you for saying that! so much. I think that's where part of my hurt and anger came from at her today is that I want HER to acknowledge that and she didn't.

i stand by my statement from earlier to t: "complex, schmomplex. this is ME."

OH my I have killed the couch with my whining about t. You all knew this would happen, didn't you? Go ahead, I can take it. LOL I should have known myownself.

Anyway, I am almost done with first (large) glass of wine and have finished filling out the 2nd set of forms required for the new positino I am applying for at work. Position, even. Ha I can't type. I proofread very closelyk before submitting them. I am not proofreading so much here.

I am so happy to have the couch. I really am. I can be myself here and feel more accepted than even with t. It old her today when she said she wasn't judging me i told her funny i feel like you ARE.

ok i'll stop now.

Keep talking Art. Takes my mind off all my crap. I think its a big sign of progress that you are mad at her. You used to get mad at yourself

True, I did. And if I got mad at her, I wouldn't TELL her, I would just get mad at me for being mad at her and brush it all under the carpet. I was royally pissed at her today and I told her in no uncertain terms.

unfortunately, i am feeling rather sad about it all right now because i did not want us to end this way but perhaps it is for the best.

In other news - found out this afternoon at work that I made it to the next step in getting the new position I applied for. I just submitted the 2nd set of stuff I had to submit. Oh, wait. Did I alaready say that? the wine is going to my head.

Well you could give it to her straight. Rather than ending on bad terms, TELL her "every time we talk about me leaving you pick a fight". Talk about that. If she can't face her own challenges and meet you there..then matbe think about just leaving.

I don't think ending on a combative note will launch you towards your new life in the right way.

The queens dog? Now i see why she likes them! But hes muuuuuch cuter than any of hers that ive seen. Hes got more fur, tons of personality, and those EYES!

Okay, i know about 5 dogs. Maybe 10. Some i know the names, others i know by sight. Maybe 20?.

I recently reconnected with an ex-coworker on Facebook. I miss him SO much right now. We used to sit next to each other at owrk, when I did the web deisgn stuff, and we had such awesome heart-to-heart convos. He lives in upstate new york now, so far away, but iw ould so love to see him again. he's about to have back surgery, so perhaps while he's still out on leave but not in pain anymore i will have to arrang e a visit. i could totally do with a talk with him tonight over all this. he's a selfles sguy and would in a heartbeat talk to me if i caleld him, but hiknow he's in pain waiting for his surgry so i'm not going t burden him. oh look at all my wino typos. whee.

You're right, of course. It won't. I will do that next time I go. I tried to say something like that today,but i coudln't get the words out right because i was upset. we do need to talk about it. but if she won't, then i'm going to have to reconsider staying. I could always resort to "I need to take a break" and just leave it at that I suppose. no closure, but maybe closure is overrated. At least we won't end with a slammed door.

But i really wanted to do that today.

So much.