[escalante]

Therapy was abruptly ended by my therapist 2 months ago. No closure, discussion, no referral. Just yes you should find a new therapist stated in an email. She refused all contact with me for the last 2 months except she continued to work with my son in a separate school job.

I think the professional abandonment is the most painful, cruel action I have ever experienced. I found two therapists and they have helped me. I had abandonment issues from childhood and addressing them has been great. I landed in a good place despite the cruelty and pain I have experienced.

Today I met with her for the first time in 2 months. I had emailed asking for closure and expressing my anger about her unprofessional abandonment.

The discussion:
When I expressed my anger about an issue related to the duality we had in therapy (she also worked with my son at his school as a sign language teacher, also had mutual friends) she said my anger expressed in an email 2 months ago hurt her. She could not longer be there for me because it hurt. My non expressed response is wtf..you are the professional, I am the client, aren't I suppose to bring to you what is going on so we can deal together? Wasn't she suppose to have professional boundaries so she wasn't reacting personally to anything I said? She said today that she thought I had been ok with the duality...again wtf...all clients who adore their therapist are going to say and believe they are ok with duality but I certainly couldn't handle it...was that my fault? Lastly I was in love with her the whole time and I did tell her. So when she cancelled appointments I was hurt because it doesn't feel good to be in love and see how it's one sided. Again wtf...why didn't she deal with this. Was this my fault as a client that the duality, love and abandonment issues came to a head? Wasn't she suppose to be trained, aware, knowledgeable about these challenges?

I want to be done. I am so sad about the loss. So angry that she took me on, fed me with positive validation and then when things got tough walked away. So angry that she didn't today take responsibility for her inabilities to set boundaries and maintain her professional health. So angry that I trusted her. So angry that I put myself in a position to be treated so poorly when I was there to get some healing and help. Angry at myself that I haven't figured out how to love myself and put myself in harms way by paying a counselor who wasn't very good at her job.

Wish she had claimed responsibility. Glad she showed up for the closure even though it's still a horrible ending.

[koru_kiwi]

Originally Posted by escalante

Was this my fault as a client that the duality, love and abandonment issues came to a head? Wasn't she suppose to be trained, aware, knowledgeable about these challenges?

no, this is absolutely not your fault.

i am sorry that you have had to experince this kind of treatment from someone who you should have been able to trust would have your best interest, as a client, in mind. she failed you on many counts, especially in the manner to which she ended the therapeutic relationship with you.

reading here on this forum, i see this time and time again, therapist who are not able to handle a client's strong negative feelings/reactions toward them. when the client gets the courage to speak their mind to their T, believing that it is safe to do so (and by all means it should be), the T often takes it personally instead of being able to step back and use it constructively as an opportunity to explore and try to understand the underlying issue, either from the Ts side or the clients. i reckon that this is what separates a good T from a bad T...unfortunately, there are a lot of not so good Ts out there.

i'm glad you got the opportunity to try to have proper closure with her. too bad it was you who had to instigate it instead of her. to me that clearly shows who is the more mature one in this situation...and it definitly is not the professional.

[Sunflower123]

I think she handled the situation in the wrong way. It was unprofessional to leave you hanging in the wind by abruptly cutting off therapy with nothing but an email...not even a referral and without telling you why. If you have been seeing her for any length of time, she would have known how dangerous and detrimental this could be to your mental health if you were in a bad place. I guess she assessed the situation and thought you would be ok.

I think she reacted in a personal manner to a professional matter and didn't handle it well. I'm glad she at least allowed you closure. I know how it feels to an extent. I was 'dismissed' by a shoddy psychiatrist years ago. It's not a good feeling. I hope your trust hasn't been so shattered that you refuse to try therapy with a more professional therapist. Good luck and best wishes.

A few months ago, you posted that you two had agreed to the duality because it benefitted your son. The prospect of her no longer working with your son was your concern at that time. You wanted her to continue working with him and you said you didn't think you could even continue working with her as a therapist if she didn't continue to work with your son, even though she expressed concern about the duality and didn't feel she could do both.

She decided to continue working with your son which is what you wanted for your son, but she also decided the duality was not working and chose to discontinue the therapy relationship in order to continue working with your son which honestly feels like the professional thing to do. One or the other relationship really needed to end.

It was a messy situation all the way around, and it is sad that it ever occurred in the first place, but the only other option she had was to discontinue working with both of you which wouldn't have been any less painful. I hope if you wish to continue working on your own issues in therapy you can find a therapist who can walk you through that process without the relationship conflicts.

[AllHeart]

I just re-read your other thread from January to get a bigger picture of your harmful situation. Dual relationships are extremely tough. Per most codes of ethics, they are allowed to happen in some forms in smaller towns where resources for help is limited. When this happens, it's imperative the t keep good tabs on the clients emotional health to minimize any potential harm that can be caused by the confusion that arises from the dual relationship. Doesn't sound like your t was capable of doing that for you, nor was she even capable of doing that for herself. Your t not only mishandled a lot of things, she lacks integrity on top it.

For a t to abandon you because you sent an angry email that hurt her is cowardly, unprofessional, and selfish. And to cut you off without giving you as much as a referral shows incompetence. This is considered abandonment in some code of ethics (improper termination in others) and it is a reportable violation. Just saying. So, no. This is not your fault. This is your ex-t’s fault. And the cruelty of what happened to you is almost impossible to grasp. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Glad you have two new t’s to help you out.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by escalante

So angry that she took me on, fed me with positive validation and then when things got tough walked away. So angry that she didn't today take responsibility for her inabilities to set boundaries and maintain her professional health. So angry that I trusted her. So angry that I put myself in a position to be treated so poorly when I was there to get some healing and help. Angry at myself that I haven't figured out how to love myself and put myself in harms way by paying a counselor who wasn't very good at her job..

My experience was much the same. It's not just that therapists market themselves as relationships gurus, and then make a terrible mess because they are actually as needy and damaged as their clients... it's also that the system is designed to let them do just that. You could take the matter to Yelp.

[escalante]

The therapist decided months ago that she was no longer going to work with my son. I kept asking her how I would be able to work on the abandonment feelings if she was the person who stopped working with my son and who was also my therapist. She replied that after she stopped working with my son it would be less complicated and she would keep working with me.

What happened is that there two days when she chose to not work at school with son because she was gong to meet the child she would work with next year. I was angry and emailed asking how the IEP was being followed on the days she did not show up at her job and I also stated that she seemed to be checking out of her responsibilities prematurely. Again how was I suppose to work through all this with her.

In response she stopped therapy with an email and continued working with my son at school but also stopped communication.

There is a lot of he said she said in this story. Her story is that she was personally hurt by my emails. Her story is that all was separate. She takes no responsibility for her professional duties. I absolutely think that her inability to be professional, to follow professional recommendations of no minimal duality, not dealing with my love, ending therapy suck. When I asked her two days ago why we didn't stop therapy when she started working with my son she replied it would have been abandonment. I replied no if we had been a discussion, an ending, she could have transferred my care to someone else and if would have been professionally appropriate.

Moving on....what I think I need to ask myself is my part. Why did I think it was ok to give her all the power and stay in the therapy when I knew at some level this would end badly. I was hopeful? Why did I think it was ok to indulge in feeling a love for her when that isn't appropriate? Maybe I thought it would be nice and since I'm not getting it elsewhere, therapy was a safe place? Why do I give so much power to professionals because ultimately they are human. Why not focus on healing and run as far away from therapy as possible? I want to tell the world about how I was harmed and how it hurts but I live in a small town and it all ultimately reflects poorly on me because I should know better than to attach to not very smart therapists.

[escalante]

Originally Posted by BudFox

My experience was much the same. It's not just that therapists market themselves as relationships gurus, and then make a terrible mess because they are actually as needy and damaged as their clients... it's also that the system is designed to let them do just that. You could take the matter to Yelp.

I'm not interested in making her a better person or being a therapist police woman. I just want to leave this with some dignity. Funny I went to therapy because at the core I feel unlovable, unworthy, at times I wonder if I am crazy. Out in the world I'm pretty functional. I left this almost 3 year relationship with no healing of the core values and now I have professional distrust, feel uncomfortable in my small town because I don't trust that she has kept this story to herself. It's not the end of the world because I have started working with someone who immediately was able to help me with childhood stuff, thinks therapy won't last more than 6 months, says I'm not crazy . I wish all this did not hurt so much. Despite my pain I still have feelings of love which is insane because she is unavailable and has treated me really badly. What's that about???